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Tell it to the troops,
they'll all be coming home soon
Yeah right
If you buy into that s**t
then I must be selling out again.
I'm working on an atmosphere, here
take another one of these and forget your bravery
Just a minute into this, and
I've already forgotten what love is.
Sleeping on the floor to find an answer,
just a second
over my head
Please let it wash away to an innocence island
where I can let all it fall into the Pink.
You've never died before, and it shows
just like nipples through a wet T-shirt
I'm taking numbers and writing shitlists;
if you wanna join mine, then speak to me.
Tell it like it is, then the winter
hell, I'm tired of taking the fall
need a good ol' spring break from life,
before I let my summer sun shine on all of y'all
Just another make belive man
holding onto rivers
You have no revolution.
Stop bitching!!!!!

It all downhill from this moment in time,
spend all of your time inside.
There's no world to see,
don't waste time
I'm coming to cradle you all.
From said cradle to the grave,
back up your own bullshit
believe the lies, then fly.
Cut your wrists to be popular, and
bisexuality shows you're cool.
If you buy that, then I'm getting dumb again,
and you'll be a VJ on MTV,
just another monotony hopeful,
hopefully prom queen dropping your pants.
Sell me out before I buy in,
but for now,
I'm signing over what's left of my soul.
These are postcards for a lost God,
if you pick them up, then flag me down.
I'll only be here for one night,
so catch me if you can.
Back up top with you. heart
You've got yourself some typos, but that's about the only think wrong.

Dapper Businesswoman

I dun like the last line but the rest is heart

it makes me think of the movie with Leonardo whatshisface

gonk
baggage of the past
You've got yourself some typos, but that's about the only think wrong.


I noticed.
1.I'm lazy.
2.I'm running back and forth,
cooking dinner for everyone....
I'll polish it eventually.
Thanks for the read. heart
I'm here, as you requested.
I'm not even going to attempt to critique this,
It would be like getting fingerprints on something shiny. :/

Quote:
You've never died before, and it shows
just like nipples through a wet T-shirt

Great. Just great. whee
DiscarD
I'm here, as you requested.
I'm not even going to attempt to critique this,
It would be like getting fingerprints on something shiny. :/

Quote:
You've never died before, and it shows
just like nipples through a wet T-shirt

Great. Just great. whee


Thank you. heart
You will be bumped now. scream
*laughs* careful man... someone is getting on people's case ove rthis bumping thyself crime. lemme read it, after i get something to eat, and i'll tell you waht i think.

~~Vinn
MaglinVinn
*laughs* careful man... someone is getting on people's case ove rthis bumping thyself crime. lemme read it, after i get something to eat, and i'll tell you waht i think.

~~Vinn


I can't wait. xp
Back up top with you.
zero the last decepticon
Back up top with you.


Again.
There're a few clever lines, but ultimately I think this is your weakest work in a while. It lacks a lot of the subtlty we've come to know and love in your writing--the puns/turns of phrase are all but thrown out in favor of some ok commentary (prom queen with pants down yes, outright saying "cut your wrists to be popular / bisexuality makes you cool" no), and without the powerful rhymes to bolster it, this is something of a little-lick-of-plain-vanilla rant instead of the bloody-jaw-full-of-whiskey rant we usually get. Maybe that's a little extreme. But you see what I'm saying? sweatdrop

Starting/ending on buying/selling was good.

Quote:
Just a minute into this, and
I've already forgotten what love is.


Love these lines for some reason. Unless I forgot what that was. surprised exclaim

Quote:
just like nipples through a wet T-shirt


Ha ha ha. smile

Quote:
I'm signing over what's left of my soul.
These are postcards for a lost God,
if you pick them up, then flag me down.
I'll only be here for one night,
so catch me if you can.


Best part. Thumbs up for that. I would clap if I had hands.
I like it but I think you could do more.

The poem shows you definately have a skill in writing, but to me, it doesn't really exhibit what you're entirely capable of.

I could, perhaps, be wrong. I'm new and all.
Onion
There're a few clever lines, but ultimately I think this is your weakest work in a while. It lacks a lot of the subtlty we've come to know and love in your writing--the puns/turns of phrase are all but thrown out in favor of some ok commentary (prom queen with pants down yes, outright saying "cut your wrists to be popular / bisexuality makes you cool" no), and without the powerful rhymes to bolster it, this is something of a little-lick-of-plain-vanilla rant instead of the bloody-jaw-full-of-whiskey rant we usually get. Maybe that's a little extreme. But you see what I'm saying? sweatdrop

Starting/ending on buying/selling was good.

Quote:
Just a minute into this, and
I've already forgotten what love is.


Love these lines for some reason. Unless I forgot what that was. surprised exclaim

Quote:
just like nipples through a wet T-shirt


Ha ha ha. smile

Quote:
I'm signing over what's left of my soul.
These are postcards for a lost God,
if you pick them up, then flag me down.
I'll only be here for one night,
so catch me if you can.


Best part. Thumbs up for that. I would clap if I had hands.


You're right.
It was uninspired, and for lack of a better word: a rant.
I have more to come, but will have to find the time to post them.
Thank you (as always) for reading. heart

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