rubber and rope (edits: 1) (ce)

[Mega Elixir X]

rubber and rope

on one end, a rubber band.
on the other, a rope. each
the length of a worm, tails
tethered to a screw. two
meters apart, meeting
in a friendship knot, halfway
as you could get, at the foot of the latter.
on the rope, more knots: a square
to hold frayed ends, and several self-embraces
for good measure. it is rigid
enough to tie wrists, and rough
enough to slit them. on the rubber, little
knots holding together everywhere
the strain had ripped it like
piranha teeth clamping down upon
a morsel of flesh. somewhere,
another thinning stretch, a cry
for relief from a compromise
where only one is compromised--
a reminder, perhaps, that no one
was ever meant to stretch that far,
that while rubber hurts most
when it snaps back, rope
makes the noose.

First draft

rubber and rope
a suicide note

on one end, a rubber band.
on the other, a rope. each
the length of a worm, tails
tethered to a screw. two
meters apart, meeting
in a friendship knot, as halfway
as you could get, at the foot of the latter.
on the rope, a couple more knots: a square
to hold frayed ends, and several
self-embraces for good measure. it is
rigid enough to tie wrists, and rough enough
to slit them. on the rubber, little knots
holding together everywhere
the strain had ripped it like
piranha teeth clamping down
a morsel of flesh. somewhere,
another thinning stretch, crying
for relief from a compromise
where only one is compromised.
a reminder, perhaps, that no one
was ever meant to stretch that far,
that while rubber hurts most
when it snaps back, rope
makes the noose.

[gardenwomb]

I love this. So honest and raw. heart

[Mega Elixir X]

ninderu

I love this. So honest and raw. heart

Thank you, thank you.

It is honest and raw because it is based on something that happened to me very recently. I really wish I could write from my own place and not just because of personal drama, but eh, I'll take any sort of inspiration I can get, I suppose.

[Vannak]

It feels like you're spending too much effort trying to herd us back to the image of knots between rubber and rope. I think you'd be better serve to take on a more assertive voice, than an explanatory one. For instance, if you just start with "rope and ember knotted", and proceeded from there, you can simply appeal to the different qualities of those with out having to reinforce the metaphor.

Try to repeat those phrases rope and rubber less. See if you can appeal to the image by the qualities you give to the various stresses your poem is about alone.

[Mega Elixir X]

Vannak

It feels like you're spending too much effort trying to herd us back to the image of knots between rubber and rope. I think you'd be better serve to take on a more assertive voice, than an explanatory one. For instance, if you just start with "rope and ember knotted", and proceeded from there, you can simply appeal to the different qualities of those with out having to reinforce the metaphor.

Try to repeat those phrases rope and rubber less. See if you can appeal to the image by the qualities you give to the various stresses your poem is about alone.

I'll think about it. The image of the intertwined rope and rubber is pretty much central to the piece, the primary conceit, which is why I am so focused on it. The piece may talk about the properties of rubber and rope, but equally important if not more so are a specific piece of rubber and a specific piece of rope. As much as I've tried to make this piece generalizable/not overly specific, this piece was born of a relatable but specific in its own way situation, and I don't want to go too far from that.

That having been said, I would like to be able to cut down those phrases. Nonetheless, I am also of the mind that if I can just say "rope" and "rubber" it would probably be better to say those instead of going through linguistic calisthenics to say the same thing in more words just for the sake of avoiding repetition. It's an I'll see what I can do situation.

Thanks for the comments, by the way. I'll see what I can do. And it's pretty cool you're still haunting these forums after all these years.