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hey altair
Oooh ooh ohh i know!!!! send it in to nancy grace(i hate that woman's guts) but she'll make sure people hear it maybe?
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Shadowy Rogue

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Prince Etan
hey altair


Privet... (Russian for Hi)
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Shadowy Rogue

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akaisunanonira
Oooh ooh ohh i know!!!! send it in to nancy grace(i hate that woman's guts) but she'll make sure people hear it maybe?


hahahaha.. I can't stand her either.. She's rude.
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Dapper Bloodsucker

Altair-Mercer


Harmony of Death

My broken heart, slowly beats to its end
Crimson suffering pours out of my invisible scars
My lifeless eyes stare anat nothing
My cold dead body shivers
I'm finally free
My symphony of internal screams are unleashed
My trapped soul takes flight
Let my final cries be heard
For it is my Harmony of Death
My hatred pounds rapidly
My anger strums itself
My serenity whistles
My hostility chimes
As the darkness plays its sweet lullaby
For it is the harmony of Death
Let its lovely and deadly notes fill your ears
Every note, every beat



Nice , as such this age I consider it okay.
I think the concept of your poems are good and deep, which is a good start , yet it still needs more 'flow' to the poems , some rhymes are possible to rhyme get you sometimes forsaken the chance. If you want your poems to touch the people's heart , good and various vocabulary could help

and this is something I did , rewriting your second poem, Well, I myself am not a skilled writer, I began writing poem when I was 15-16 , too n_n

My broken heart marches to its end
Crimson suffering pours out its defense
My lifeless eyes stares at nothing
Torned away from the trait of human being
Yet independence embraces me
o-enchanting scream of symphony
Trapped soul of mine takes the flight
slowly emitting the final cries
Having hatred pounds rapidly in my chest
Falling down from the fallen crest
As my serenity whistles , hostily chimes
As the darkness plays its lullaby
For it is the Harmony of Death
Sing along with the strained bloodshed
Let the lovely yet deadly notes fill you ears
Every beat until you emit the last drop of tears
Altair-Mercer
Harmony of Death

My broken heart, slowly beats to its end
Crimson suffering pours out of my invisible scars
My lifeless eyes stare an nothing
My cold dead body shivers
I'm finally free
My symphony of internal screams are unleashed
My trapped soul takes flight
Let my final cries be heard
For it is my Harmony of Death
My hatred pounds rapidly
My anger strums itself
My serenity whistles
My hostility chimes
As the darkness plays its sweet lullaby
For it is the harmony of Death
Let its lovely and deadly notes fill your ears
Every note, every beat

So tell me what you think...And if you don't read them, don't both answering
there's something very obvious that sucks about this poem. let me show you what can happen if you remove a few egotistical words and simplify and merge together some lines:

Quote:
My heart beats suffering [from] invisible scars
[from] eyes [that] stare and nothing shivers
I'm finally a symphony of internal screams
unleashed [into] flight
Let cries be heard [as]
Harmony pounds rapidly
strums itself [to] serenity
[and] plays its sweet lullaby

[these] notes fill every [heart]beat

i purposefully added the words in the brackets; notice how much of a difference it is made by ridding the poem from "my" self and just written as a whole other entity outside of you. these words have been chosen for their purposeful usability; many of the words deal in musical terms but it is still limited and should be expanded.

now, i'm not telling you "replace your poem with mine" because your poem is the root of it but not an exact translation without the word "my" but rather a more philosophical take; i took the self out of the poem almost entirely and came up with a round-house kick to my very own heart. i felt the emotion pouring out of me even though the words were not mine, nor was the idea.

what's important is this: choose your wording wisely and remove "my" from almost every place that isn't necessary or where it makes sense to mold or melt together with another line. but how do you know which lines to mold or melt together? read poetry; read deep things like the following:

Khalil Gibran
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.


and keep reading until the end of time; every once in a while you will have an idea that you will catch with your pen. then, come back and i will discuss things with you.
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Hi Altair, i write poems that also are dark and we are around the same age, so i thought i would share on of them with you smile

"Betrayal"

So painful
So confusing
Why always me?
I try to love¨
I try to care
But how do i do so if not even you care
Leaving me behind in this dark and lonely cage
This cold metal cage shall I forever stay
Cause no key there is out of this hell
I used to care
I used to love
But stripped by these emotions
I am but an empty shell
Kicked and crushed this spirit once so proud
Only a human in a clowns disguise
The one I thought understood this lonely me
No longer is it me
Abandoned
Forgotten
Already someone new
I am no longer fun
No longer bright
Hiding in the shadow of this shining world.
I'd like to say upfront, that I really love some of the ideas behind the first poem. However, I think it's a little melodramatic in certain instances. If you employed a bit of understatement, I think it would be much more effective.

Altair-Mercer


Dear Love of Someone,

You stole the heart of its keeper
Rose up a fallen angel
Brought them safety and salvation.
Made them happy and alive

Yet you leave them to die
You leave them to bleed
I think you should choose one or the other as far as these lines go. And I think they would be better at the end of the stanza, rather than the beginning.
Left Pain and Suffering in your place.
Tearing them down from their pedestal

What happen to you, love?
Where did you go?
How come you left the one you love to cry?
What did they do wrong? I appreciate the sentiment, but this line feels very bland. Could you find a more evocative way to word this?

You can’t leave them
Without unanswered questions
They are dead without you
Lifeless without your breath
Heartless without the heart you stole from them

Why, Love?
Why did you leave them? Feels redundant in the overall context of the poem.
Please answer them.

Sincerely,
The Fallen Angel This title sounds a little tacky and presumptuous, in my opinion. Personally, I would do away with the send-off altogether, simply writing "Sincerely," and nothing else. If that's not quite your style, I would at least suggest rethinking the speaker's self-label.


Hopefully my comments were of some help. I really think you have some terrific ideas in the works.

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