poem- looking to see what you guys think?

[Persephone N Hades]

what is unknown - poem written by:stephanie

Eyes open ,bright light.
blinding,binding my hearts fight.
Veins pulse beneath our skin
I await breath to fade from me,
once again,
take me somewhere I'd once been.
lost in the dark,but is familiar
reaching for a shadowy need,
as i ask please.
no answers spoken,
The Everlasting truth i search and seek.

Hands tight,skin cold.
Black light,hazed purple & we're stoned.
We realize that what this is we have,
That All This is ,
is bold.
Sweet strangulation cuts my air.
Making the way out ,my way in ,
as your pulling my hair.
I'm awake ,and I'm here,thinking that really this has never worn thin.
your sweetness fills me as it always had.

The stare begins with your blue and grey eyes,
you hold me still, down ,
hard
as i walk on your ribs of pride.

The past,
when alone with you,
wanting the words to come and i could not say.
Thoughts twist & my inner self speaks
then it fades.
silent.
Realized i should have stayed
stopped ,
thought,
instead of going away,
deny ,
deny ,lie,
and push you deep down ,in the back of my mind.
and to know this dark i kept at bay.
it tears me apart, piece by piece.
My head gets clouded with this want ,this need.
a commitment worthy to keep,
My intentions are real ,
this time i see.
My brown eyes open,
i fall underneath.
this build is towering as if he know his looks could kill ,
wants to enjoy my everything and with a raw wicked skill.
This heartbeat is firm ,strumming through my brain ,
face to your chest.
sweat.

These hands mold together ,sometimes very tight.

I'm holding these hands but my fear has always been afraid of the light.
fighting for control,
and it never comes.
I'm here
and
your there,
across from me,
I regret nothing ,
This hope to make you see,
My thoughts and dreams ,
what could be of this reality?
I only wish for the truth.
but barley i see how ill ever know,
when I'm away from you.

horrible wonder & its pain that wraps me so good ,
my worry is that I'm only Misunderstood ,
Along with this wonder & this complicating dread.
I don't want to see the lies you might let me be fed.
others that speak.

This touch, it lingers, i feel you through my fingers.
i feel close ,so close ,and yet so far away.
& every time we let go , the growing the pain.
whats left is torn in-half and i felt it from the past.
my mind goes back and lurks, i jerk
every time i saw you.
alone ,
stuck in your self,
anger.
your shadow ,
the dark you are ,
it lets me see that we are just cursed stars.
it is here i would stay.if you have ever thought
in the dark with these eyes of blue and grey,
if maybe we could withstand it all, if i could,
if i may.
Teeth sink in deep,
hoping for your belief and that you should know ,
i cant stop thinking of you.
the music plays with the sweat & the heat.
you hold me tight and it burns so sweet,
interlocked hearts ,what lays underneath,
I wish this would never end,
as these colors surround me ,
inside ,
deep within.
I would bleed to see, touch to grieve.
Only because i cannot be to just let it be.
The path is narrow and overgrown,
A past i always wanted to get to know,you were oblivious to how i felt.
this dark you are,
I wonder if you ever thought of what you dealt,
At least before i found what could never decompose,
To realize this light,
i had never known.
blind.
could you ever allow me to be who i am,with you?
Because it was my intentions of the past that grew ,
here in my head now,
Realized how long i have stayed to myself,
i have always wanted you
Craved you,
Blamed you,
and wished things would be different.
i pushed all this down deep,
sleep,
in these thoughts of a hopeless girl ,
The hope to ignite fire ,
passion of the past,
what she was missing in the world.
the cost ,My Heart
I'm afraid of getting lost ,
hoped to be saved,
looking up to you, in just one thought.
you are here,
and not
,just a shadow,
your being,
in the dark of a summer frost...

[Vannak]

In all honesty, I just can't read this. I can't tell what's the beginning of a sentence or the end or antyhing of that nature. I'm consistently having to reread several lines at a time to figure out what's going on.

My best advice to you is to rewrite this with the punctuation and sentence structure of normal text. Start by avoiding sentence fragments, using proper punctuation, and so on. These rules are in place to make things as straightforward as possible.

Once you have the logical and methodical backing of your poem solid, then adding in things like unusual capitalization, unusual line breaks, and splattering of sentence fragments make more sense.

In general there is one "rule" i always suggest to people, and it is either to dictate the flow (pauses and such) of your poem with your line breaks OR punctuation, but not both.