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Here is one of the latest poems i have written. I don't have a lot of experience but please bear with me. I will post more if you want me too.
Here it is.
I don't know what too call it just yet, so please give advice.

I no longer feel
I no longer care
No linger hurt
No longer scared
Shut inside
This mask completed
Are you happy?
I guess i am
You laugh
I cry
You smile
I try
Show me one more time that emotion so bright
Its cold and dark
Human
I don't know anymore
I feel empty
No character
Always changing
Eaten slowly from the inside
Sucked dry
Choking on this feeling
These emotions
Iron shackles locked from the inside
Just a chapter
A minor role
one line
one moment to shine then forgotten
I see you cry
I laugh deep inside
Can you see this wretched emotion of mine? seeping out
I walk and walk
To where no voice can reach
Wanting to fall down
The march of the forgotten
The drums singing out
The requiem of the dead
One day i to will sing
When you wonder
This march of death
One more more shall be added, in the groups of those left behind
Forever roaming this planet
Invisible to the blessed
Can you see them?
The lost souls walking the streets?
Join them and disappear into nothing
Stay away and forever be forgotten
The choice to live or move on
Far from dead
Salvation is not that easy
The crows live longer than the doves
Ugly and black
far from pretty
Forever watching
The bystanders of history
Quickly forgotten
The ones that cant fly
Only walking and walking
Down the streets of the lost...


I apologize if my poem is a little confusing, i just write down what comes to mind about my feelings and so on. please correct me if i am wrong somewhere.
I think your poem was packed with strong images and resonant emotions, and I greatly enjoyed reading it. However, I think there were some moments when you were either padding the poem (including throwaway lines), overstating an idea, or simply being redundant. Here are my line edits. I hope you find them helpful.

mju-mju1123


I no longer feel
I no longer care
No linger hurt
No longer scared
Shut inside
This mask completed
Are you happy?
I guess i am
You laugh
I cry
You smile
I try
Show me one more time that emotion so bright ["emotion" sounds too clinical]
Its cold and dark
Human
I don't know anymore
I feel empty No character [I think this should be a single line]
Always changing
Eaten slowly from the inside
Sucked dry
Choking on this feeling
These emotions
Iron shackles locked from the inside [this image needs to be reworked. There is not inside or outside to shackles. Think doors or vaults instead.]
Just a chapter
A minor role
one line
one moment to shine then forgotten
I see you cry
I laugh deep inside
Can you see this wretched emotion of mine? seeping out
I walk and walk
To where no voice can reach
Wanting to fall down
The march of the forgotten
The drums singing out
The requiem of the dead [Redundant:
Req·ui·em   [rek-wee-uhm, ree-kwee-, rey-] noun
1. Roman Catholic Church .
a. Also called Requiem Mass . the Mass celebrated for the repose of the souls of the
dead.
2. Any musical service, hymn, or dirge for the repose of the
dead.]
One day i to will sing
When you wonder
This march of death [Try "death march" instead. It has a cleaner sound to it.]
One more more shall be added, for in the groups of those left behind
Forever roaming this planet
Invisible to the blessed
Can you see them?
The lost souls walking the streets?
Join them and disappear into nothing
Stay away and forever be forgotten
The choice to live or move on
Far from dead
Salvation is not that easy
The crows live longer than the doves
Ugly and black
far from pretty
Forever watching
The bystanders of history
Quickly forgotten
The ones that cant fly
Only walking and walking
Down the streets of the lost.... [try "lost streets" instead.]
X-BlueNotez-x's avatar

6,600 Points
  • Profitable 100
  • Tycoon 200
Real Horrorshow Groodies
I think your poem was packed with strong images and resonant emotions, and I greatly enjoyed reading it. However, I think there were some moments when you were either padding the poem (including throwaway lines), overstating an idea, or simply being redundant. Here are my line edits. I hope you find them helpful.

mju-mju1123


I no longer feel
I no longer care
No linger hurt
No longer scared
Shut inside
This mask completed
Are you happy?
I guess i am
You laugh
I cry
You smile
I try
Show me one more time that emotion so bright ["emotion" sounds too clinical]
Its cold and dark
Human
I don't know anymore
I feel empty No character [I think this should be a single line]
Always changing
Eaten slowly from the inside
Sucked dry
Choking on this feeling
These emotions
Iron shackles locked from the inside [this image needs to be reworked. There is not inside or outside to shackles. Think doors or vaults instead.]
Just a chapter
A minor role
one line
one moment to shine then forgotten
I see you cry
I laugh deep inside
Can you see this wretched emotion of mine? seeping out
I walk and walk
To where no voice can reach
Wanting to fall down
The march of the forgotten
The drums singing out
The requiem of the dead [Redundant:
Req·ui·em   [rek-wee-uhm, ree-kwee-, rey-] noun
1. Roman Catholic Church .
a. Also called Requiem Mass . the Mass celebrated for the repose of the souls of the
dead.
2. Any musical service, hymn, or dirge for the repose of the
dead.]
One day i to will sing
When you wonder
This march of death [Try "death march" instead. It has a cleaner sound to it.]
One more more shall be added, for in the groups of those left behind
Forever roaming this planet
Invisible to the blessed
Can you see them?
The lost souls walking the streets?
Join them and disappear into nothing
Stay away and forever be forgotten
The choice to live or move on
Far from dead
Salvation is not that easy
The crows live longer than the doves
Ugly and black
far from pretty
Forever watching
The bystanders of history
Quickly forgotten
The ones that cant fly
Only walking and walking
Down the streets of the lost.... [try "lost streets" instead.]


I greatly appreciate your tips and corrections, i will try and correct it and use your tips for my other poems. smile english is not my first language so i am not to good at writhing english, this helps a lot. smile

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