Please give me feed back on this poem?

[Radical_Tangerine]

Daylight brings no solace.
I scramble to find shelter
from the sun.
Silence.
A reprieve
From all the things I've done.
The breeze mocks me and I am upset by the very nature of existence.
The dark calls me,
It terrifies me,
It soothes me,
Astounds me.
Running forward.
Falling,
Falling,
Falling.
I am caught by what appears to be
A single mote of dust in the sunlight.
I don't understand how it supports me.
I could never hope to know.
And I feel....
I feel at peace.
I must make amends with myself
Before attempting to repair the world.
I have finally mustered up enough courage
To grasp onto hope.
I hold it in my heart.
I refuse to retrace my steps.
I will not go back.
To the place that has broken me.
To the place that has birthed me.
To the place that has murdered me.
To the place I call home.
I will not allow myself to be crippled.
And I swear to the world,
To god,
To myself,
To everything.
I will break free of its grip.



Idk what to name it. But give me your opinion please? smile

[Seraphine Holodore]

Radical_Tangerine

It could be better. I get where you're coming from -- something similar's happened to me before, even if our situations have 50% of their elements in common at maximum -- but what you've written, heartfelt as it is, needs more work.

The overall feel that I get is that it's a little loose, loose enough to be prose -- specifically, a diary entry. You're doing simple description here, and that's not how poetry works (unless you were writing to vent -- that's okay, but now, let's take it to the next level). Poets know the message they want to get across, but they're also people who know what sort of impact they want to create with their words, and they concentrate that impact into as few words as possible, often painting pictures with their words instead of simply saying what they mean.

What does this mean for your piece? It's a little rambly, it needs to be condensed. Take, for example, the following few lines:

Radical_Tangerine

I will not go back.
To the place that has broken me.
To the place that has birthed me.
To the place that has murdered me.
To the place I call home.

Because we know you're talking about the persona's / your home, and because home is a place, it's redundant to keep stating it, and it's best you let us know what happened. As such, the repetitions of "To the place that has" can be cut out, and the line rearranged to make it neater, to give something that's more like this:

Example:

I will not go back
Home: place of my birth, breaking, death
at those bloodstained hands of theirs.

Another example:

Radical_Tangerine

The dark calls me,
It terrifies me,
It soothes me,
Astounds me.

This is slightly better than the previous, but not by much. Again we can strip out the unnecessary repetition of "it" and "me", leaving us with:

Example:

The dark
calls, terrifies, soothes, astounds me

or, if you're feeling adventurous enough, try to paraphrase the ideas while putting an image to them:

Example:

Only darkness,
terrifying, marvellous solace,
calls me to its embrace.

That's my main tip to you today: take a good, critical look at this, see what can be nipped and tucked, take a chance and see what comes out. (While you're at it, you might want to read the reworked examples aloud and see if they sound better than the first version you've posted here.)

Before I go -- you also asked for a suggestion of a title. I can't claim to know your (persona's) situation, so this suggestion is based on what I felt might be right: Exile.

[BBTwist]

write your own d*mn poem

Seraphine Lunaire

Radical_Tangerine

It could be better. I get where you're coming from -- something similar's happened to me before, even if our situations have 50% of their elements in common at maximum -- but what you've written, heartfelt as it is, needs more work.

The overall feel that I get is that it's a little loose, loose enough to be prose -- specifically, a diary entry. You're doing simple description here, and that's not how poetry works (unless you were writing to vent -- that's okay, but now, let's take it to the next level). Poets know the message they want to get across, but they're also people who know what sort of impact they want to create with their words, and they concentrate that impact into as few words as possible, often painting pictures with their words instead of simply saying what they mean.

What does this mean for your piece? It's a little rambly, it needs to be condensed. Take, for example, the following few lines:

Radical_Tangerine

I will not go back.
To the place that has broken me.
To the place that has birthed me.
To the place that has murdered me.
To the place I call home.

Because we know you're talking about the persona's / your home, and because home is a place, it's redundant to keep stating it, and it's best you let us know what happened. As such, the repetitions of "To the place that has" can be cut out, and the line rearranged to make it neater, to give something that's more like this:

Example:

I will not go back
Home: place of my birth, breaking, death
at those bloodstained hands of theirs.

Another example:

Radical_Tangerine

The dark calls me,
It terrifies me,
It soothes me,
Astounds me.

This is slightly better than the previous, but not by much. Again we can strip out the unnecessary repetition of "it" and "me", leaving us with:

Example:

The dark
calls, terrifies, soothes, astounds me

or, if you're feeling adventurous enough, try to paraphrase the ideas while putting an image to them:

Example:

Only darkness,
terrifying, marvellous solace,
calls me to its embrace.

That's my main tip to you today: take a good, critical look at this, see what can be nipped and tucked, take a chance and see what comes out. (While you're at it, you might want to read the reworked examples aloud and see if they sound better than the first version you've posted here.)

Before I go -- you also asked for a suggestion of a title. I can't claim to know your (persona's) situation, so this suggestion is based on what I felt might be right: Exile.

[quasiplausipus]

please give me feedback...

Suteki Kyoi

write your own d*mn poem

Seraphine Lunaire

astute feedback that wasn't even mean.

trolls are great.