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MidnightMisery69's avatar

Unbeatable Hunter

Pandora's Letter



K450 and H4V0C have engulfed this world. Allowing V3N634NC3 to rip through the mind and W1CK3DN355 to fill the heart, leaving only M4YH3M in their wake. TW1tCH feeds on the energy of man, while the R34P3R indulges on their souls. Is this truly their D35T1NY, the D3M1S3 of mankind? Can it be that they all fall short of D1V1N1TY! After all the P41N it is M153Ry which remains.

Sincerely;,.
~*H0P3*~


P.S. Went to find F417H
MidnightMisery69's avatar

Unbeatable Hunter

for those whom can not read LEET

kaos and havoc have engulfed this world. allowing vengeance to rip through the mind and wickedness to fill the heart, leaving only mayhem in their wake. twitch feeds on the energy of man, while the reaper indulges on their souls. is this truly their destiny, the demise of mankind? can it be that they all fall short of divinity! after all the pain it is misery which remains.

sincerely,
~HOPE~

p.s. went to find faith
like <3 xp
MidnightMisery69's avatar

Unbeatable Hunter

tanziy
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Thank you glad you like it Bunny
MidnightMisery69
for those whom can not read LEET

kaos and havoc have engulfed this world. allowing vengeance to rip through the mind and wickedness to fill the heart, leaving only mayhem in their wake. twitch feeds on the energy of man, while the reaper indulges on their souls. is this truly their destiny, the demise of mankind? can it be that they all fall short of divinity! after all the pain it is misery which remains.

sincerely,
~HOPE~

p.s. went to find faith
leet spech was unnecessary and only detracted from the original work. line breaks would help your poems and I encourage you to find some good enjambment, focusing on end words like havoc, vengeance, mayhem, wake, twitch, man, reaper, and divinity that should add weight, color, depth, or wordplay.

also, you're using too many abstractionsl; you can use abstractions but when there's no metaphor or simile or another type of poetic device you're only hurting your poem by being unspecific and by not giving us anything concrete to compare these abstractions with (my love vs my love is like an orange: I would then elaborate); I will try to go word for word on the worst offenders but you should focus on words that aren't concrete first before you tackle entire lines that are vague.

Quote:
kaos and havoc have engulfed this world.
I was thinking of Scarface's "The World Is Yours" but since you didn't describe the rise and fall of Tony Montana this line lends itself up for interpretation upon any given context; this line is vague and doesn't accomplish either being negative or positive.

Quote:
allowing vengeance to rip through the mind and wickedness to fill the heart, leaving only mayhem in their wake.
vengeance, wickedness, and mayhem are all abstractions; sure, their dictionary definitions tell us they are negative but if you capitalize each word It's like your talking about the personification of each and it would be great for them to have faces, creed, detail; you know, depth.

Quote:
twitch feeds on the energy of man,
ok, who or what is twitch? what do you mean specifically? is this a reference, clever wordplay, an easter egg, or do you actually mean twitch as in what you do right before you're gonna jack a car and you can't help yourself? you see, I gave the word twitch some color; to twitch, it's like a junkie for crime, know what I mean? I feel as if you can actually just leave this line as it is because you could be referring to something obscure (I don't have the time to search the webz for anything in particular) but if you're not, twitch is just another abstraction that needs depth, color, or whatever; a metaphor would be awesome.
Quote:
while the reaper indulges on their souls.
interestingly enough, this could work if you switched the word "souls" out or went into a little more detail; I would love to know how souls are like a crop and how you can tell the good souls versus the bad souls; this gives human a foundation on which to judge their souls as. I feel like you could put a spin on the bible's take of mustard seeds are like your soul. again, not going in-depth here but if you look it up you should be able to put your own spin and morale even if it's sick and twisted (the sicker and more twisted, the more I have to work with in my imagination).

Quote:
is this truly their destiny, the demise of mankind?
again, without context, I can't tell whether or not this rhetorical question is asking whether it's good or bad. if we use the comparison from before (souls like mustard seeds) this rhetoric is given context and more meaning; otherwise, you're just asking a question for the sake of asking a question and you lose any meaning, depth, and weight on any issue you're arguing for or against.

Quote:
can it be that they all fall short of divinity!
again, take out the question part of the equation; stating that "the DO all fall short of divinity" can have a greater impact since it is revealed more clearly where you stand on whatever issue you were talking about

Quote:
after all the pain it is misery which remains.
this is what I mean by abstractions; pain and misery are both abstractions and nothing here can be understood because there is no context; if we replace "it is misery which" with "no blood" what kind of sick and twisted scene can you imagine? I just took out four words that were vague on their meaning and replaced them with two that describe more clearly that something or someone has drained the blood or cleaned the blood or more sinisterly, has run out of blood. I'm not telling you to make this switch. It's only an example. I just want you to notice how the concrete image of lack of blood can affect your perception of what you just read.


I sincerely think you have a good structure for a poem but the overwhelming amount of abstractions can lead to a disastrous effect when reading it; your audience will come up with their own interpretation on whether or not you meant this or that and that's not the point of poetry. poetry is about being specific, concise, exact, or even perfect. some poems focus on the imperfection of poetry but to perform this well you have to come up with good arguments in your favor. Like for example, Ogden Nash's "Very Like A Whale" makes excellent use of snarkiness and humor to engage his reader by denoting that there's too much metaphor and simile. Your poem just doesn't have any character, depth, or definition. I am hoping that you'll find some and give this poem a much needed face-lift.

And by no means should you just take my word for it; if you think you can challenge my word, I encourage it. As far as I can tell, this is just my opinion and should not be taken as "factual" but as informative to help your poem become something better; if there's a place that you feel I make a mistake, correct me! I am human after all.

I leave in hopes that you'll grab some good advice from me and hopefully you'll grow as a poet as well.
MidnightMisery69's avatar

Unbeatable Hunter

2pound
you capitalize each word It's like your talking about the personification of each and it would be great for them to have faces, creed, detail; you know, depth.


Ok so the reason i did the leet was because each of those words are only place holds for drawings. (i agree the leet does take away from it once i fine tune the drawings they'll add to it) Each one with the exception of misery (my self) are all nicknames of different people I've met out in the real world while growing up.

The thought behind the letter was that after Pandora open the box and let all the evil's apon the world the only thing at the bottom of the box was a note from hope not hope it's self. The reason hope was gone is because (man) last faith which lead hope to fallow or at least that was the idea behind the poem. Which is why i started with "kaos and havoc engulf this world"

Twitch was someone so full of energy he'd twitch at random and the more energy in the room the more energy he seemed to have. that's where the line "Twitch feeds on the energy of man" comes from.

As for the Reaper he is a taker of souls and in some cultures the devourer of souls, and further on the poem talks about "all falling short" mean that all souls are condemned not just a select few.

"is this truly their destiny, the demise of mankind?" asks the question is society destined to fall as the roman empire did.

I enjoyed your input and feed back, but some of the things you ask i just cant change or the poem would loose its meaning to me which is the most important part right?

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