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Dapper Businesswoman

I know it's not love, but it sure as hell isn't like
I wonder why I'm doing this, speaking to you like a spike
even if they are just glowing letters on a phone screen
and even if half of them are mindless and not very keen
and even if the knot in my stomach is stationary when I walk
and you're beautiful radiance makes my body shake when I talk
I know it's not love, but it sure as hell isn't like
I really hate feeling that blissful arrogant strike
the one that tells me that I love her more than life itself
the one that says I can't really stand to stay on this continental shelf
because my mind runs at eight hundred million miles an hour
but the slower I act the more the emotion turns sour
I know it's not love, but it sure as hell isn't like
you love to confront my self-loathing dislike
you say you want to hug me at the worst of best times
I really want to kiss, that's what mind my chimes and chimes
Until I hit that emotional wall, realizing I'm such a freak
until I hit that realization wall, and I hit her peak
I know it's not like, but just being with her makes me weak

I am expecting a lot of s**t-talking, this is a lot more sloppy and rushed than usual.

Dapper Businesswoman

Cageless
CRUNCHY GOOEY SLIMY FLAKY
I know it's not love, but it sure as hell isn't like
I wonder why I'm doing this, speaking to you like a spike
even if they are just glowing letters on a phone screen
and even if half of them are mindless and not very keen
and even if the knot in my stomach is stationary when I walk
and you're beautiful radiance makes my body shake when I talk
I know it's not love, but it sure as hell isn't like
I really hate feeling that blissful arrogant strike
the one that tells me that I love her more than life itself
the one that says I can't really stand to stay on this continental shelf
because my mind runs at eight hundred million miles an hour
but the slower I act the more the emotion turns sour
I know it's not love, but it sure as hell isn't like
you love to confront my self-loathing dislike
you say you want to hug me at the worst of best times
I really want to kiss, that's what mind my chimes and chimes
Until I hit that emotional wall, realizing I'm such a freak
until I hit that realization wall, and I hit her peak
I know it's not like, but just being with her makes me weak

I am expecting a lot of s**t-talking, this is a lot more sloppy and rushed than usual.


The biggest thing that I would encourage you to do is worry more about the story that makes sense and creates a complete image, than to rhyme. Do not force a rhyme just for the sake of it. The best rap can manage not to rhyme and keep a good flow (I will repeatedly direct you to Eminem's work -- however difficult to emulate, since he truly doesn't give a f***). He doesn't make himself special and his intent is not to impress you; it's to say what's truly on his mind and get it across so you know the situation. I think 'Stan' is a wonderful example of story because what people don't often come to realize is that even though Eminem (Marshall Mathers) has a persona for a lot of songs, it is still him speaking. In 'Stan' he plays the role of a fan getting mad at him, and he's genuine; completely taking on the perspective of Stan and the irony is how people who judge the song might hate on it because of what Eminem may have made the guy feel. But from an objective perspective, you can recall that Eminem is writing these lyrics and doing it to himself. He's not trying to win me over; I don't feel his lyrics coming at me saying 'look, look! I crafted a clever rhyme because the rhyming word is uncommon!' No, most of his language is pretty basic, however, he's known to read the dictionary and on occasion you will come across very uncommon words in a song. But each time, they aren't being forced into the writing, they're there (usually for his IDGF*** personality) because they're truly relevant and instead of using a more basic word, the uncommon word not only fit, but probably rhymed or added to the rhythm. Not that you should be anyone but yourself, and maybe you don't like Eminem, but these are things I feel to be important objective lessons I've realized from listening to his works.

Here are some quick general edits and revisions (with notes in parenthesis) that first came to mind, focused more on a story than the clever rhyme. I tried not to really change it, however I know interpretations can be off.

1) (Pretty good start)
2) I wonder why I'm doing this, "and I'm not sure if it feels right"
3) Sure, these words are just some minor pixels on a screen ("Even if they are just glowing letters" is really compact feeling on the mouth. I would change it - 'glowing' is a really iffy description, too). (Notice that this may be longer, but the flow when you say it allows one word to move smoothly into the next - try saying it a few times different ways if it doesn't feel smooth at first - for instance, "some minor" can almost flow as a single action). (In writing, the 'even' doesn't sound so good, and the ones proceeding it do not either, but maybe you speak it the way you like it).
4) And at the essence of their purpose, I can't be sure just what they mean. . . (a line with "and" repeated two times will break the flow and clarity)

That's all I can write for now, but I read all the way through it and there's more you can probably do to make it feel better. I think you're doing real good on making a story, so keep up the nice work and my final note is to listen to your syllables. I'm not sure how people normally write, but I personally hear a 'proper' speaking voice in my head as I go along, so whatever you do, try to feel the flow of one line into the next. The prime example here is "until I hit that emotional wall" with the line that follow it. Again, maybe when you speak it, it's all good. But reading it to myself felt me wanting a couple more syllables in there. The 'realization wall' just doesn't sound acceptable to me, and also the word "I" in that second line (and I hit her peak) just stops the rhythm dead for me.

Keep it up, let me know how it goes, and I'll check back some time.
I ended up scrapping this poem, and wrote this instead. I would much rather hear your opinion on this one:

I recently opened my eyes
and realized the reason I was falling for every girl I met
because I hit such a low point in my life
every girl I truly loved always left, something you can't easily forget

but even if I am not truly in love with you
I know that when I walk alone on snowy nights and look up at some blurry light
that you're the only person I want there
You're the one that made me question myself into timidity, so now I never really bite

but my mind runs so goddamn fast at dusk
it's extremely hard not to snap that shell and release a million but one compliment
it's much more difficult being extroverted but so apprehensive
so every night I walk out into cold air it's impossible not to feel repent

over how I held your hand or hugged your waist or kissed your cheek
I can't help that your platonic love scares the s**t out of me
my mind erupts with so many words that never buffer nor halt
so when my phrases fly out of my cynical teeth I try so hard not to flee

I recently opened my eyes
and realized that love is not compassion so easily met
that every emotion felt is just another hair on your scalp
that the more experience that is dealt, the less the mind is a threat

so when I am too shaky to act
it is not this cold weather that makes me freeze
it is not this goddamn music that makes my heart pound
when I walk alone on snowy nights, it's to beg for my emotions to seize

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