Welcome to Gaia! ::


Anxious Fairy

19,815 Points
  • Battle Hardened 150
  • Invisibility 100
Quote:
I am not lost in the woods

I’m lost in a storm

In the woods, it’s what’s unseen that’s the danger

In a storm, you get flashes of danger, like surges of light

It’s not the woods for me

I’m in a storm and I’m at sea

And I feel like I might sink

And it terrifies me

So not the woods

I’m in a storm.

Proxy Autobiographer

7,900 Points
  • Gaian 50
  • Pie Enabler 100
  • Conventioneer 300
I like that you have two really strong images here, in the woods and the storm. However, the poem kind of hits you over the head with them, doesn't it? Having four couplets in ten lines go "woods"/"storm" gives you no escape from the images to enjoy them. Plus, the lines "It’s not the woods for me" and "So not the woods" are really similar - given how short the poem is, it's best to avoid unnecessary repetition as much as possible. It would suffice to introduce the two images in the first couplet, get to the heart of what those images represent in the poem, and then bring them back in the conclusion.

Also, take a look at the following two lines:

yay!
flashes of danger, like surges of light

aww...
And it terrifies me


The first one has bold, visual images, while the second one is just a statement of emotion. It's a lot easier for a reader to connect to the things they can envision, since they get the benefit of your image AND the associated emotion. When you say that you're "terrified"... how terrified? Why are you terrified? Is being terrified worse than being horrified or petrified? Relying on your reader's sense of "terror" is no fun - bring them into your terror. Give them a reason to be terrified with you.

I'd like to see what more you can do with this one. 3nodding

Anxious Fairy

19,815 Points
  • Battle Hardened 150
  • Invisibility 100
Have Your Pi
I like that you have two really strong images here, in the woods and the storm. However, the poem kind of hits you over the head with them, doesn't it? Having four couplets in ten lines go "woods"/"storm" gives you no escape from the images to enjoy them. Plus, the lines "It’s not the woods for me" and "So not the woods" are really similar - given how short the poem is, it's best to avoid unnecessary repetition as much as possible. It would suffice to introduce the two images in the first couplet, get to the heart of what those images represent in the poem, and then bring them back in the conclusion.

Also, take a look at the following two lines:

yay!
flashes of danger, like surges of light

aww...
And it terrifies me


The first one has bold, visual images, while the second one is just a statement of emotion. It's a lot easier for a reader to connect to the things they can envision, since they get the benefit of your image AND the associated emotion. When you say that you're "terrified"... how terrified? Why are you terrified? Is being terrified worse than being horrified or petrified? Relying on your reader's sense of "terror" is no fun - bring them into your terror. Give them a reason to be terrified with you.

I'd like to see what more you can do with this one. 3nodding


First off, I'm really grateful that you took the time to read and pick this apart a little.
Second, I'll take what you've said into consideration and see what I can do to play with the poem a little so it, at least, doesn't hit that dull spot near the end.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum