Just.. A little something.

[XxDreamurrxX]

She sits there under the tree,
She's waiting,
She's wishing.
Looking for something,
She doesn't understand what's missing.
She interlocks her fingers,
She twiddles her thumbs.
Staring at this valley,
Her heart goes numb.
Her heart wants to forget,
But her mind says 'no".
It fights her to the end,
Trying to let go.
Should she stay?
Should she leave?
This pain is too much,
As if someone's bereaved.
But are they dead?
No,
Simply far away.
In this world of torment,
Full of dismay.
Tears fall down,
Her heart has grown weak.
She remembers him well,
In this world that's gone bleak.
Left with only memories,
Her past knows her well.
She's stuck in there forever.
Her own personal hell.

[0toku]

XxEvilWafflesxX



Ja feel.

I totally feel for you with this. I love the simplicity.

In line 21, the word "torment" reminded me of this poem from Heinrich Heine, used in a song cycle by Robert Schumann (Op. 48 No.7). Though from a completely different time period, I feel it conveys a very similar feeling.

Here's a good recording of the song. I suggest listening to that whole video though, just for some sequential context before jumping in. The song starts at 8:14, if you feel like just going for it.


I hope you do not dwell in that valley for too long. Honestly, sometimes time and detachment are all we can hope for.

[SpaceLamb]

I'd avoid using stylized fonts because it takes away from the writing itself and is distracting. We know the poem is about one girl so you do not need to constantly repeated words like "she, she she" and "her,her,her". I think you could expand on the emotion by exploring senses. For example, instead of just saying she is in dismay, describe it. Describe the heaviness in the chest, the way she really feels, deeper. Explore the environment, the sights, sounds, and smells. In writing poetry you are creating a scene and you really need to take us there. This is a good start and I hope you expand this piece further.