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Miteux's avatar

Shadowy Shapeshifter

User ImageAs the title says, I'm looking for constructive criticism. Feel free to be harsh.
Yes, I wrote all of these myself. Please do not take them... I put my soul into these. :c
I'll be posting more when I come up with them. They'll all be added to his post.
If you wish to critique, please post which number poem you're critiquing.








1. You were everything that I wanted
Now our memories just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So quit pretending, quit trying
Doesn't matter any more
The gun is loaded, my coffin is waiting
Just try and stop me.

2. You may think the world is beautiful
But look at it through my eyes
My eyes that see nothing but vanity
Leaving others stranded in the dust
My eyes that see the failure
The suffering, the pain
Don't let anyone tell you
That you should be the same

3. Constant comparisons
Between my other half and I

Constant lies
Between me, myself, and I

Constant fears
Of love, of life, of being left behind.

Constant inquiries
Am I good enough?
Why are you comparing us?
Do you even care?

Good intentions end in disastrous results.
She doesn't understand me.
Nobody will.

I fear I may explode
And have nobody
Not even you
To pick up the pieces.


4. Do I really need to fix this?
We were happy just being friends with benefits

Benefits… The intimacy was good,
But I long to hear those
Three little words.
They don't mean much alone.

'I' meaning me.
I used to be a part of you.

'Love' just a feeling
Love, which used to be a part of us.

'You' meaning the one I love.
You used to, and still do, hold my fragile heart.

"I love you."
Something spoken between
Siblings, lovers, friends.

We're none of that.
The only thing we'll ever be is
"Friends With Benefits."

5. The pain in my chest
Is like claws digging in
Gripping my still beating heart
Tearing into it like teeth into meat

Perhaps offering another place
To this ruthless beast we call depression
Will distract it,
Move its focus along

The glint of steel
Like eyes of a predator
Entrances me,
Lures me closer

The beast overpowers me
Steel teeth digging into the soft flesh of my snow-white wrist
Like a beast ripping apart its prey
Makes me grit my teeth against the sweet agony.

My blood drips off the blade,
Like venom from a viper
The bliss sets in, paralyzing me.
The addiction sets in.

I have become a slave
A slave to this steel beast.

6. Does it hurt?
Dying, I mean.

Does your life flash before your eyes?
Or is the thing that killed you
Etched into your memory forever?
The image of your death forever haunting you

Is it a stinging pain?
Or a cold numbness?

As death's arms encircle you
Your last shuddering breath
Leaving your lungs in a cold sigh.

I want to find out,
Soothe my curiosity.
But I simply can't imagine
Spending my last moments in
Excruciating numbness.

7. Dream me another happy ending.
The last one just won’t fit the scene.
And to think.
That time was not worth spending.
To realize What we could have been.

8. To be honest
I never thought I'd get over you
Never thought I'd find out who you really are
Never thought I'd find someone better

To be honest,
I never thought I'd get butterflies again
Never thought I'd smile so wide
Never thought I'd be this happy

To be honest,
I never thought I'd fall in love again.


ALL POEMS ARE (c) ME. IF YOU STEAL THEM, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. ._.
I liked 'em alot, they all seemed to have a definite idea of what they were about, which is good.
I didn't particularly like 1 and 2, they seemed a bit juvenile, but from 3 onwards they were all top notch :p.
Miteux's avatar

Shadowy Shapeshifter

Ze Kommissar
I liked em alot, they all seemed to have a definite idea of what they were about, which is good.
I didnt particularly like 1 and 2, they seemed a bit juvenile, but from 3 onwards they were all top notch :p.

Thank you! Yeah, I didnt really like 1 and 2. They were written for an English assignment that I didnt particularly like. razz
SilvertongueSagittarius's avatar

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They're a bit too straight forward. Granted, that is a style in and of itself but, call me a purist, I think there should be some metaphor and wordplay to a poem. Your poems are more like sentences arranged in an unconventional format. (Would be happy to work with you, if you'd like. I hold workshops quite often, so I could do something on a personal level to help you learn some cool techniques.)

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