Here I'll try posting just one this time

[Alphafail]

Knock Knock

Can you hear the tick
Of all the sick
And many more
Now at its door
To plead the case
Of their dear race


Now think again
Of what and when
So why plead more
What was it for
To run the race
In such a pace


A call for arms
For all the harms
Was it only I
Is not the cry
You hear at all
Why should we fall


I ask you here
To come and hear
The damning song
We now prolong
A simple tune
Please end it soon


Our salvation comes
With all these runs
And a little thought
Of what we wrought
Upon this Earth
What are we worth



I would hope you guys could offer a little more advice and reasoning then the last time I attempted posting something here, and please understand these poems are symbolic interpret as you wish, and i guess ask me about it if you're really interested.

[Fizzlesticks]

Alphafail

I would hope you guys could offer a little more advice and reasoning then the last time I attempted posting something here, and please understand these poems are symbolic interpret as you wish, and i guess ask me about it if you're really interested.

What kind of feedback does that mean you want?

[Alphafail]

uhmmm whatever feed back you can give me? I really don't care last time no one said anything helpful though they just kind of bashed the structure...

[Fizzlesticks]

"Bashing the structure" could well have been constructive feedback, depending on how sensitive you are. wink

[Fizzlesticks]

Your meter is consistent, so the rhythm is good (up until 'salvation', which crams too many syllables into the line). Content-wise, it's not terribly fresh and the rhymes are a little tired. Try to present us with some new ways of saying or describing your ideas. Otherwise, it comes off as moralistic--even if the reader agrees with what the poem has to say.

I think having no punctuation is fine for your poem, but don't forget you can use punctuation to direct the meaning of what you have to say more clearly. Also, tell me about your intention behind capitalising the start of every line.

[Fizzlesticks]

I hope that is more helpful feedback for you. Please ask me to clarify if anything's unclear.