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You could of told me
But, you went without saying a word
Making me upset, you didn't tell me
I would of understood
So, I guess, I'll talk to you when you have the chance.
I'll be here, when you need me.
But, you frustrate me
You said, you would let me in, but you didn't.
What am I supposed to do with myself?
You leave me with guilt
You left with closed lips
What do I do?
What do I say?
Sometimes, I don't understand.
emo
mmiissttyy11's avatar

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I think you used you like a lot ,also using me in lines next to each other has a bad effect. I'm not trying to be mean or to sound bossy just helpful.
Where is the word like?
I don't see it.
And I am the one who typed it.
I just wrote what came to my mind.
QueenOfDarkness411509
Where is the word like?
I don't see it.
And I am the one who typed it.
I just wrote what came to my mind.


Stop using "me". You wrote it 6 times in 14 lines.
no metaphors?
QueenOfDarkness411509
You could of told me
But, went without saying a word
Making me upset, you didn't tell me
I would of understood
So, I guess, I'll talk to you when you have the chance.
I'll be here, when you need me.
But, it's so frustrating
as tears form under eyelashes pregnant with guilt

i remember the voice, that said you would let me in, but didn't.
You left with locked lips like the key was missing
What do I do?
What do I say?
the silence is deafening
Sometimes, I don't understand.
emo


not saying your original post was bad just saying, get a little creative. play with words. also sorry if what i added took away from your original post just putting in some examples. also i know it's hard when writing to take out these words "you,me,i" i know those are the most common words but try to tell the poem from your perspective without using them it's quiet the challenge specially if it's in like story mode. sometimes those words can actually be taken out i've taken some off so it maybe get less repetitive sometimes less is more like the 3rd line "making me upset, you didn't tell me" the first 2 lines actually explain that so it might be better to just put "making me upset". anyways have fun writing nice poem by the way.
Okay, thank you for the tips smile

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