Power Armor Felix
I think if there was any doubt, this poem makes you the Vulnavia to my Dr. Phibes for sure. Marvelous television spoof you have there in the front section. It doesn't let up, and the suggestion of strapping a child to your chest like a bomb is quite good, especially when stacked against the prerogatives of the exploding all-American girl, Goldilocks.
If I was to be critical of any area of this piece, my guns would be leveled at the last two stanzas. I get the feeling that your lines here wish to be couplets, yet your narration has been meshed together like fingers into an ABAB alternating pattern. I found myself having difficulty on how to get a bead on the read, and I think part of it is fine-tuning the syllable count and when the alliteration is supposed to happen.
Perhaps your italicized section should be a simulated ridiculous news briefing which alternates with your voice (being drowned out, or scattered). Also I found myself questioning the use of 8,356.06, is a number that exact really needed for the purpose of humor? It could be messing up your syllable count there.
I did like the onomatopoeia of bing and bang being connected to genocide, for one it's silly and two it goes with the idea of how far removed the viewer is from real tragedies. However, I didn't like its pattern-mirror, the "burned and branded, hide by hide" line, so much. The B and H alliteration doesn't seem as purposeful, rather it seems to be more directed towards highlighting the redundancy or internal referencing of this passage. I get the sense this area needs more external support, since not only must you work with the distance of meaning between burned and branded, but also come to terms with the quicksilver ambiguity of "hide by hide." Are Trojan horses the same as sand people / terroristos in hiding? You've got some uncharted territory to explore...if the horse was originally a Greek vehicle, a western civilization thing...well it's a symbolic reversal. It's like you're saying American Television accuses Muslims of being what we (Americans) are.
Power Armor Felix, alas! I fall to my knees with gratitude for your epic commenting.
mrgreen
(( Vulnavia + Cookies = Aya ))
Yay! Television-spoof not disregarded! (Most people dont like it, usually). *Swiftly tips her hat in Eminem's direction, for the fiery inspiration*
Hm.. I really wasnt sure what to do with that couplet-part. I wanted them to mesh nicely, but no matter how hard I stirred, they wouldnt unify. To me, the italic is a drowned out echo, like a conversation in the background, beyond/behind the scene itself. I'm not sure I accomplished that, though.
Oh, and the 8,356.06 is a reference to my current distance from the Kabah. And no, I didnt necessarily need anyone to "discover" that or "jump to this correct conclusion", its more of an embedded fun-fact. (My thanks go out to Google, for giving me such accurate results ;D )
I'm not sure about the flow it makes though. In my opinion, when the human mind sees such a big number it just blurs it out and skips it. It gets cropped to something like "I'm only 8 miles" or "I'm only 8 thousand miles" or "I'm only 83 miles.." etc. But when reading it out loud, its like a stake where the sun dont shine. I'm not sure if its a total bad thing. *Muses this issue over*
Hm... The last part about Trojan horses is kinda baffling me. I say this because although you say you didnt particularly enjoy it, your explanation to as *why* you didnt like it is exactly what I wanted it to be. XD
Reread that sentence you gave me. "Its like you're saying American television accuses Muslims of being what we (Americans) are." I tried echoing this with Americans bidding on the Palomino as well. (A blonde horse wearing a turban.)
So I'm completely torn.
Your critique is much appreciated, oh poetry-master. I can only be honored that you took so much time on my mortal work. XD
Am I improving at all?
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