expert of essence and elevation

[flickadur]

please critique ❤️ this is my collection of original poetry
----
“you”

please, i ask
that you do not give me
a single smile
or heartfelt hello

i do not want nor
do i need either
or any variation
of such

they will only cause
too
many
thoughts
and
hours
wasted
on yet another
hopeless endeavor
of who i wish i could be
for yet another
“you”

so do not smile
or even so much as
blink in my direction

for as my mind wanders,
so will you


---------

for you, red truck
you have movie theater hands
and silver locket breath
your eyes are romance novels
and your lips are going to sleep after a long day
your fingers are quilted blankets
and your voice is lemonade in July

you are everything and nothing that I expected
and some of or most of what I needed

i could fall asleep with my fingers in your hair
and have dreams of silver linings and door knobs

you are what makes me turn off the tv during an animal shelter commercial
you are the act of not caring and not forgiving and not forgetting

i am nothing but the string that dangles off of your shirt
i know right now you find it amusing to tangle me up with your fingertips
but eventually you’ll rip me off
or maybe someone else will
it doesn’t really matter
all I know is that it will happen

you are cinnamon bun sticky fingers and shaved ice raspberry tongues
you are a tank top in December and a sweater in May

i swear i have talked to you some time before this life because i know the color of your eyes better than i know my own name

and right now when i lay on your chest, i am lucky enough to be witness to your life coursing through your swing set veins

and you say you love me but i don’t believe you
because i’ve never seen real love i’ve only seen make pretend
so how can we know what we’ve never seen?
is it some god-given instinct that was taught the day i missed school for a doctors appointment?
because i may not believe in god but i believe in bad luck
and miscommunication and being the last one picked for dodge ball
because that i have seen

my ears and my lips are well worn with Friday night lies but my Monday morning eyes know the difference between a bookshelf full of poetry and a closet full of skeletons


there are dried flowers between the pages of my phonebook and i don’t know if you care but i took one out the other day and thought of you

you probably do care
but will you care about the next thousand flowers?

I am relentless

------

and that's even scarier than rain

you are not a moment left up to chance
I see your eyelashes the way trees see oxygen
I am flawlessly bent
not in the emotional sense
I am balance deprived
creature ridden
I see monsters in water droplets
showers don't help there is dirt under my eyelids
I can't close my eyes if I'm looking for roses
it's not your fault
I just forgot how to fall asleep with the lights on
with water droplets turning into demons
every puddle is a casualty
the wrinkles on my wrist are getting longer
and either I'm getting older or I'm getting younger there is no now
the flies crawling up my legs are losing their wings
there is dust under my fingernails
and my skin is caked with last nights resumé daisies
I am not lost
I swear I will tell you over and over again
door knobs and shoe laces are fine in small quantities
it's just the seasons I can't stand
I don't see clouds anymore
just sky

------

the voice in my head is telling me to stop, but how do I know it's telling the truth
don't waste your time
I know you're waiting but I can't figure out my time of arrival
my plane is late and I'm sorry
waiting for you is hard but now it's your turn
I don't think I understand how humans breathe
there's a wall I can't see through or think through you are a curtain
every February I want to look at trees with you
is it okay if your reflection shines into the sun?
I'm not used to it
high fives and handshakes are for best friends but we are strangers holding hands
how does that work?
i know its cliche to say I know the color of your eyes better than I know my name but
but what?
I don't want good enough
I want to know you'll smile in your sleep because you're dreaming of me
but I don't want you to cry either I don't know
acting like a child is easy when I lack restraint
I don't know
I forgot how to breathe the second you walked in the room and I remembered the minute you left
but my heart did the opposite
what does that mean