Drowning... Critique?

[xXAbsyntheXx]

This started out as being about depression. And then it stopped making sense.

Blurred words, faded by the passage of time
Drift through my treacherous, echoing mind.
Derision and abuse, a mocking rhyme
Cloud my sight of the truth, and make me blind.

The drowned words in my throat remain unsaid;
My desperate breaths drip with their memory—
Grey water floods my lungs, flows through my head;
My drowning thoughts sing in discordant harmony.

The world blurs as I sink and slip away,
The grey, saltwater sea mutes wordless screams
I’ve lost the will to cry, and breath to pray--
I inhale rain and drift through blank grey dreams.

Despair floods through my thoughts and steals my breath;
The only future I reach for is death.

[Shou_Long]

This still reads like
it could be about depression (depending upon individual interpretation)

The first four lines
would synch with
a depressive mind set
or the state of depression

(other interpretations could be - that maybe this was written by someone, who has been written about negatively in a newspaper - blurred words, faded over time, a footballer reading bad things about themselves in the paper - might start playing bad - this ties in with the clouded truth and becoming blind)

The next four lines
have some beautiful
depression moments
that i guess
a lot of people who
have experienced depression
would be able to emphasize with

- drowned words in the throat that stay unsaid - yes
each breath dripping with their memory - yes
grey waters filling up your head - yes
and thoughts in dischord - yes

Quote:

This started out as being about depression. And then it stopped making sense

The poem being about depression, makes complete sense to me - ive got a little question, where or why did it stop making sense for you?

[xXAbsyntheXx]

Thank you! I wasn't very sure of it as I was writing it; I was tired, and in an odd mood. I didn't know how it came out...So thanks!

[ApostolusMC]

Angel of Doubt

This started out as being about depression. And then it stopped making sense.

Blurred words, faded by the passage of timeA
Drift through my treacherous, echoing mind.A
Derision and abuse, a mocking rhymeB
Cloud my sight of the truth, and make me blindA.

The drowned words in my throat remain unsaid;C
My desperate breaths drip with their memory—D
Grey water floods my lungs, flows through my head;C
My drowning thoughts sing in discordant harmony.D

The world blurs as I sink and slip away,E
The grey, saltwater sea mutes wordless screams F
I’ve lost the will to cry, and breath to pray-- E
I inhale rain and drift through blank grey dreams. F

Despair floods through my thoughts and steals my breath; G
The only future I reach for is death. G

I highlighted the rhyme scheme for you because I felt that if you had a steadier rhyme scheme it would have flowed a lot easier. You should work on your meter when you create your pieces for more cohesion when you transition into a next line. Sometimes the mind tends to read quicker than the person interprets. especially when there is no sensible rhythm or beat associated with the words. Adding the meter is essentially giving your written piece a rhythm and it is making it a living written piece. Work on that and your rhyme scheme and you can then develop using more descriptive words with less strenuous effort.

I enjoyed the piece, however. You did a good job.

[Asynchronous IO]

ApostolusMC

I highlighted the rhyme scheme for you because I felt that if you had a steadier rhyme scheme it would have flowed a lot easier. You should work on your meter when you create your pieces for more cohesion when you transition into a next line.

I agree with the need for a meter, but I thought the rhyme scheme was ABABCDCDEFEFGG--the classic Shakespearean sonnet. Author was probably going for the oft-taught misconception of ten syllables per line, when what you should really be going for is five feet, preferably iambs.

I have my own comments on this piece, but alas, I have little time to leave them, as I am going on a trip shortly and need to prepare.

[xXAbsyntheXx]

Asynchronous IO

ApostolusMC

I highlighted the rhyme scheme for you because I felt that if you had a steadier rhyme scheme it would have flowed a lot easier. You should work on your meter when you create your pieces for more cohesion when you transition into a next line.

I agree with the need for a meter, but I thought the rhyme scheme was ABABCDCDEFEFGG--the classic Shakespearean sonnet. Author was probably going for the oft-taught misconception of ten syllables per line, when what you should really be going for is five feet, preferably iambs.

I have my own comments on this piece, but alas, I have little time to leave them, as I am going on a trip shortly and need to prepare.

Thank you. I know how to write iambic pentameter (I've written a few other sonnets that actually used it properly) but I was tired when I wrote this, and I was being lazy. sweatdrop Thanks for the comment.

[Rarurie]

The Elusive Muse

Hey I like the way you write this pieces, especially the first and the last part
The only thing I would suggest is to put the rhymes in the second row

Why...? because the other lines said you intended to write rhymes and I'm sure that is not hard
The concept 'drown' and water-relating words are abundant !