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[Furysong]

I feel as if when it comes to expressing things in poems I got so much better, well this here isn't a poem but a rap, which is still a poem, but categorized as lyrics. So... here I go.

Clearly I'm,
Stuck in a tar pit, I try to move my feet.
Ever time I put in effort I swear I sink deep.
She says I ******** suck, but I swear she's a leech.
I know better to swim with sharks at the beach~
As I look out to my window blood stains these streets.

Women, don't love them.
Men, don't trust them.
Seems they both leave me within an inch of my whim.
I'm not christian so god, I defy him.
So where is my faith then?
I have no faith in, love with this woman.
Why must it be, ********, End.
She hopes I die, I told if I did, I'd transcend.

******** it I guess Y'all win,
I'll fade in the damn wind,
Shade of the dark skin,
thickness of blood within

I should stop typing,
If this were a story I'd say "The End"

[Vannak]

You need more variation in where your rhymes lie in your sentence structure.

If you don't do this, it makes all your sentences roughly the same length, which allows someone to easily predict when they're going to end. We expect a rhyme coming by the time we reach the second half of every rhyme instead of listening to you, we guess instead. And when someone feels comfortable guessing at what you're about to tell them, it makes it really hard to say what ever it is you're trying to say.

Usually in music this is done by spacing out the rhymes further and making the sentences you're using smaller, so you can stick in different ideas between rhymes and make us listen to you rather than try to mad-lib your rhymes.

Rap specifically has a lot of syllable subdivision, where you smush extra syllables into the beat, but go over the normal syllable count.

One last piece of advice: Avoid rhyming with one syllable words. There's only so many of them and the rhymes get old quick. Also, when you're rhyming in multiple syllables, you have to make sure you check that the line with the smaller rhyming word matches the meter, that is, the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables.

Basically, the rhyme needs to sound "right" when you read the same number of syllables. Its hard to describe. Basically when you rhymed "transcend", you don't rhyme it to "end", you rhyme it to "********, end". Because end only has one syllable and transcend has two, you need to add the syllable before END. In this example it works, but the comma breaks this up in an undesirable way.

The other example is "Ya'll win" "Damn wind" "Dark skin" and "within". Note the first syllable of "WITH-in" doesn't regularly match the stressing of "yall", or "Dark", though it does match "damn".

In general you want as many of your rhyming lines to have the same syllable pattern through out. Though its really most notable and distracting when the rhymes don't match up.