Critique My Poem Please?

[Leonardo1972]

Hey Everyone! I would appreciate it if I could have some constructive criticism of my poem! I have a very unique style of poetry, I hope you enjoy it! (By the way, this poem is meant to be read aloud, with longer pauses at dashes, and shorter pauses at the end of lines).

Crying, flying, jerked away
The flashing tears—a’ twinkling
Garnets gleam keen, deep blood still
Precious, serendipitous fall—
Flowing, flitting tolerant swill
Mighty may, maybe heave to
Slay in assumption— an assumption wrought
Been rot, fey rot, constant—
Constant its lot, to cry, see—
Its lot lachrymose too, see—
Too lachrymose to see, it
Cries, it dies, dreams, weeps, lies—lies
Here, though through thicket lots, it tried
And tries, but fey rotten, constant
Lice and sties make tears shrivel
Maggots churn the earthen tumble
Toss and turn, seeing whatnot,
Seeing not what upon they—
Their perhaps chance prey, that is—
Stumble, as once mist-eyed kinds
Nearby fumbled, with upright backs,
They leased downright rib-cracking racks—
Then, the hammerhead drove down,
To fiercely pierce—‘smackety smack’—
In one third Devil’s count—
The numeration, final—
Rested that far, hand firmly grasped
Onto a star
Into the dust

[Leonardo1972]

BUMP

[Leonardo1972]

Bump!!!

[Real Horrorshow Groodies]

No need to bump. The poetry forum is generally slow-moving.

Anyway, I think it's an excellent poem. I think your wordplay is beautiful, but at the same time, it doesn't sacrifice on imagery. The only thing that didn't quite sit with me was your use of the word "lachrymose." It felt like you were trying to shoehorn in a fifty cent word. For those two lines, I would suggest rethinking exactly what you're trying to say, and rewriting them.

[Leonardo1972]

Thanks for the input!

I liked the word lachrymose for the connotations it has. I don't know if those connotations are the same for everyone else.

But thanks for letting me know it doesn't quite flow in the poem there.

Question: What did you think of my use of literary devices? I REALLY like alliteration, if you couldn't tell! blaugh

How did the poem sound to you? Did you try reading it aloud?
Also, what was your initial interpretation of the poem. What is it that you thought the poem was generally speaking of when you first read it?

[Real Horrorshow Groodies]

That's the problem though. I think you're using the word "lachrymose" because you like the word "lachrymose," as opposed to using it because it suits the poem's style and image.

But anyway, I think my comment on your wordplay applies to your literary devices. I think you did an excellent job with it.

And yes, I read your poem out loud. I typically do that with poems. I find it helps with understanding the tone and theme. As far as my interpretation goes, I saw a general theme of impermanence. My thought was that it was about the end of a relationship; the love-hate relationship with the freedom that accompanies being unloved.

[Leonardo1972]

Real Horrorshow Groodies

As far as my interpretation goes, I saw a general theme of impermanence. My thought was that it was about the end of a relationship; the love-hate relationship with the freedom that accompanies being unloved.

It's interesting to see what other people interpret my poems to mean. I try not to define them... one thing I find great about poetry is that a poem can usually have multiple meanings depending on the person reading it.

[Real Horrorshow Groodies]

Leonardo1972

Real Horrorshow Groodies

As far as my interpretation goes, I saw a general theme of impermanence. My thought was that it was about the end of a relationship; the love-hate relationship with the freedom that accompanies being unloved.

It's interesting to see what other people interpret my poems to mean. I try not to define them... one thing I find great about poetry is that a poem can usually have multiple meanings depending on the person reading it.

Your writing is much more impressionistic than a lot of the other work I read, so it definitely seems like it ought to be open to personal interpretation.

[Leonardo1972]

Definitely!

Here is another poem I wrote. It's quite a bit more literal.

Earthy waft of sand, grit, city
Perpetrates, penetrates my pores
Daylight flees from night’s dark tendrils
Sun’s eyes gaze upon the moon

‘Hoot’, eyes glow like the lamppost where
Fluttering, moths float slowly ‘round
Ants, frantic, scurry, tarrying
Building castles of bone-dry dust

Light goes up, goes as it pleases
Town’s light obscures the dim starlight
Ventures, spreading gossamer glow
Sharing, selfless, throughout the night