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Parisu-Kun's avatar

Witty Flatterer

When sadness' grip is so tight. You feel like you are being choked. Its invisible grasp keeps you from breathing and within all this there is nothing more than hate.
Hate towards those who crossed you. Towards who dont care, even to the ones that care about you and the ones you care about.
When there is nothing more than spite and selfloathing. When life throws you into the garden of roses in winter only to have your soul shredded by the thorns.
That is when you can only feel the pain and hatred that comes from within. From the inside of your own self. You can no longer feel anything. Just sadness.

And it is then when the tears come flowing out. They drip down your face and clean the soul with each pristine drop of emotion that you expell.
You feel renewed. Like a phoenix you are reborn and ready. Ready to take another step forward. To fly higher than the last time. To not stop until you are once more at the top again.
And when you are... you aim higher. Somewhere where only in your dreams you dared to venture. Be it where love is, happiness or wealth and peace. Where you can get them for yourself. And even when you look down and see the tears you shed make an ocean underneath you, you will one day be so high up it wont look as more than a small puddle where there you used to bathe. Where you shed your tears. Where you once were sad.

I hope you wont criticize it too harshly I do like to write my feelings but I have never been trained or read that much poetry. I present this for your approval or constructive critics. Thank you.
The rebel prince!'s avatar

Dapper Businesswoman

I noticed several issues in your work but three issues seemed to jump out at me. The first is the most obvious, the way you structured your poem. I find using the paragraph form is tough in poetry because sometimes it turns into "a wall of text," it's harder to control the rhythm because I feel enjambment(which is basically

how lines
are put on the
the syntax
and how it
differs
from end stopping
where.
punctuation is.
used at,
the end.
of a line.

is basically taken out. The way you have used punctuation creates halts in the paragraph, they are disruptive in this case and stresses the already overwhelming melodrama tone your lines have. I think you shouldn't use so many unnecessary punctuation in this work. That combined with the next issue, the lack of visual imagery. Aside from a few lines like:

Parisu-Kun
roses in winter only to have your soul shredded by the thorns.


there really is no imagery. I think you focus on creating images through the use of figurative language(metaphor, simile, personification...) with poetic devices(imagery, fusing different senses together like "a loud smell", allusion, alliteration...). My best advice is to first read poetry, if you don't, you'll probably never get anywhere even as a hobby. One of the easiest ways I found to generate imagery is comparing and contrasting what you are saying to something else like instead of:

I saw a squirrel.

A flash of squirrel fur passes
like ballistic bullet.

See what I mean?


Parisu-Kun
self loathing.


In general keep trying, keep reading, keep churning out poems and let them be brutally critiqued.

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