Collective. Encouragé la critique

[AlambiqueCiel]

Your closed mind can't hold me in anymore. Edits:1
You diminished in tendrils of amnesia but
I sometimes forget you're gone. I feel
your laughter brushing my ears every now and then
but all it is is the sighs burrowing out of my throat.
You left me crouched on a blank canvas that kept shrinking
till I was no more than a droplet of ivory paint.
You left me for those girls that stand behind the school
and hand out one-dollar blow jobs. You smother yourself
in artificial skin that's the color of oranges and you can't
remember if you ever were a blonde. Your brown eyes used to sparkle
but now they're just dirt coated with charcoal that you smear on aimlessly.
And your eyes never wander towards me, your mouth never lets go of words
and shoots them to me. It's been a damn year since I got the tiniest gesture
that my body really does exist. You had your sister give me back that
flimsy, spur-of-the-minute scrapbook where pictures of us were lazily strewn
together but still they mattered. Not to you though. I wasn't caged up in
your betrayal-kissed mind anymore. Guess I've been washing down my anxiety
with lies because I always thought "bff" meant best friend forever.

[ViRabbit]

Is this one based on true events?

[AlambiqueCiel]

ViRabbit

Is this one based on true events?

Yes.

[ViRabbit]

AlambiqueCiel

ViRabbit

Is this one based on true events?

Yes.

I'm sorry. sad Something similar has happened to me. More than once, actually..
I will critique this tomorrow.

[AlambiqueCiel]

ViRabbit

AlambiqueCiel

ViRabbit

Is this one based on true events?

Yes.

I'm sorry. sad Something similar has happened to me. More than once, actually..
I will critique this tomorrow.

I'll be looking forward to it.
And it's ok, I don't really like her anymore.

[AlambiqueCiel]

This post will turn into a poem shortly, I think.
Told you it would.
Forget-me-not.
Seal my eyes with the frost
smoking off your teeth and
cradle my naive mind in your
hands. Hold it carefully because
it's too frail to have aggressive
words drooled on it like before.
But it'll barely touch the I've-
seen-the-world-in-clear-view callouses
on your palms, the only things left on
it were your edged fingerprints and
a cluster of "remembermylovecoatedlips"
kisses congealed to my memory.

[ViRabbit]

AlambiqueCiel

Best friends are always bitches.
So first off, there is nothing in particular wrong with this title. It gives the reader an idea of what the poem is about, but it in itself isn't all that great. Titles are meant to draw the reader in, and I think you can come up with something more creative.
You evaporated into the air but still
I sometimes forget you're gone. Again, I think you could do better than 'evaporated into the air'. You know how to lace together pretty words to make vivid images in the reader's mind, use that skill. I feel
your laughter brushing my ears every now and then
but all it is is the sighs burrowing out of my throat.
You left me crouched on a blank canvas that kept shrinking
till I was no more than a droplet of ivory paint.
You left me for those girls that stand behind the school
and hand out one-dollar blow jobs. You smother yourself
in artificial skin that's the color of oranges and you can't
remember if you ever were a blonde. Your brown eyes used to sparkle
but now they're just dirt coated with charcoal that you smear on aimlessly. Your sentences before this point seem to be awkward, as if you're cutting off each thought before it's thoroughly presented. Though the context is good, try to play around with your sentences a little until they flow.
And your eyes never wander towards me, your mouth never lets go of words
and shoots them to me. It's been a damn year since I got the tiniest gesture
that my body really does exist. You had your sister give me back that
flimsy, spur-of-the-minute scrapbook where pictures of us were lazily strewn
together but still they mattered. Not to you though. I wasn't caged up in
your betrayal-kissed mind anymore. Guess I've been washing down my anxiety
with lies because I always thought "bff" meant best friend forever. I do like the ending. The way the words work together seems to fit the feeling of the poem more so than the first part. I see what you were saying about real emotions clouding your judgment with poetry so that you may not be able to tell what's good from what you feel, but that's what critiques are for. 3nodding

Happy Ground hog's day!
Hope the critique helped.

[Splediferous Masochism]

AlambiqueCiel

50 bucks, two hours.Edits:1
Walking the streets
in heels that speak
of all the dirty carpets you've
walked across to get to one bed.
Seeing him waiting there at your post
makes your dull eyes flame
like the gun-shaped lighter you use
to spark the smokes you intoxicate
yourself with everyday.

Modesty is what keeps
your fake ******** nails
from clawing off his clothes
when you know that's all he wants.
You'll do it though because the pesky
wings that brush from your shoulders to (mess with it) the inside of your stomach
don't itch like lacking that wad
in your palm. You'll do anything
he tells you because you know you're not
good enough to be in control, to be
the one spitting out commands that land on
his thoughts and tell him to get on his knees
where the flesh will turn an ashy purple by tomorrow.

Being submissive helps make taking
the money and walking down dirty
alleyways smeared with your guilt
a whole lot easier.

Will continue ASAP.

[AlambiqueCiel]

ViRabbit

AlambiqueCiel

Best friends are always bitches.
So first off, there is nothing in particular wrong with this title. It gives the reader an idea of what the poem is about, but it in itself isn't all that great. Titles are meant to draw the reader in, and I think you can come up with something more creative.
You evaporated into the air but still
I sometimes forget you're gone. Again, I think you could do better than 'evaporated into the air'. You know how to lace together pretty words to make vivid images in the reader's mind, use that skill. I feel
your laughter brushing my ears every now and then
but all it is is the sighs burrowing out of my throat.
You left me crouched on a blank canvas that kept shrinking
till I was no more than a droplet of ivory paint.
You left me for those girls that stand behind the school
and hand out one-dollar blow jobs. You smother yourself
in artificial skin that's the color of oranges and you can't
remember if you ever were a blonde. Your brown eyes used to sparkle
but now they're just dirt coated with charcoal that you smear on aimlessly. Your sentences before this point seem to be awkward, as if you're cutting off each thought before it's thoroughly presented. Though the context is good, try to play around with your sentences a little until they flow.
And your eyes never wander towards me, your mouth never lets go of words
and shoots them to me. It's been a damn year since I got the tiniest gesture
that my body really does exist. You had your sister give me back that
flimsy, spur-of-the-minute scrapbook where pictures of us were lazily strewn
together but still they mattered. Not to you though. I wasn't caged up in
your betrayal-kissed mind anymore. Guess I've been washing down my anxiety
with lies because I always thought "bff" meant best friend forever. I do like the ending. The way the words work together seems to fit the feeling of the poem more so than the first part. I see what you were saying about real emotions clouding your judgment with poetry so that you may not be able to tell what's good from what you feel, but that's what critiques are for. 3nodding

Happy Ground hog's day!
Hope the critique helped.

It did help.
I just wanted a title and that's what I could come with at the moment.
Hmm...maybe the choppy sentences were meant to sound like anger when I wrote it.

[ViRabbit]

AlambiqueCiel

It did help.
I just wanted a title and that's what I could come with at the moment.
Hmm...maybe the choppy sentences were meant to sound like anger when I wrote it.

I'm glad to help.
And another reason for sentences like that could be if the poem is a list of events/emotions..?
Anyways, if the choppiness had a purpose, then there's no need to change it.

[AlambiqueCiel]

ViRabbit

AlambiqueCiel

It did help.
I just wanted a title and that's what I could come with at the moment.
Hmm...maybe the choppy sentences were meant to sound like anger when I wrote it.

I'm glad to help.
And another reason for sentences like that could be if the poem is a list of events/emotions..?
Anyways, if the choppiness had a purpose, then there's no need to change it.

I think it did have a purpose when I wrote it yesterday, I can't seem to remember now XD

I'll fix the beginning and try to come up with a better title soon.

[AlambiqueCiel]

Edits.

[rumirumirumirumi]

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/original-poetry-lyrics/collective-pt-2/t.45245037/

ninja

[rumirumirumirumi]

You were right. I was a fool to suggest the reading. crying

[rumirumirumirumi]

Perhaps I've been a fool this whole time, Thinking my little words could make a difference in the world. crying

But you're right, I need to set my priorities straight. I need to stop hurting the ones I love with my arrogant non-sense. I'm giving up poetry for good. crying

I know nothing can repair the damage I've caused to you and everyone else here, but for what it's worth: I'm sorry. cry