Can you help me edit this poem? :) CE!!

[lebayum]

Petals in my hand;
those that have fallen,
dead,
out of the scrawny,
limp branches,
that winter has made.

No more open blooming
no more pink, green, or
red,
now brown and brittle,
curling away
from my gentle touch.

Blackened trees, screaming,
I can't tell what they
said,
they ask me for help
reaching out
with weak, dying branches.

Sending out beacons
where I'm afraid to
tread
for fear of hurting
the once-bright
petals on the ground.

Thanks!!

[lebayum]

Please?

[The rebel prince!]

rosynla

Petals in my hand
are those that have fallen
dead.
they came out
of the scrawny
and limp branches
that winter has made.

I like the way you structured the lines but the punctuation or rather the end stopping was too distracting for me. As far as the opening image, it's layered well in its wording, it's a bit threadbare but it works.

Quote:

No more open
blooming,
now brown and brittle,
curling away
from my gentle touch.

I didn't like the listening of colors in the first few lines. The next is that flower colors, green usually means growth, preparing to bloom which doesn't make sense to me as a color for open blooming. You use description is a bit lackluster for me. Maybe make the images more a bit more detailed.

Quote:

Blackened trees
scream and
I can't tell what they
said.
they ask me for help
reaching out
with weak, dying branches.

I like the black trees screaming but the rest seems a bit recycled image wise especially the word branches and dying branches being said so close.

Maybe something with more figurative language like:

Quote:

Blackened trees
scream and
I can't tell what they
said.
With their weak hands
reaching
out to me for help
like so many
old antennas
try to catch static.

Quote:

Sending out beacons
where I'm afraid to
tread
for fear of hurting
the once-bright
petals on the ground.

The whole beacon idea is nifty, but the rest is not that strong. The line that made it overly dramatic(I think was the bright petals on the ground image is what it did it for me.).

As a whole you have great line breaks but there isn't too much meat on the bone. I think you could expand the poem not just description but the story the narrator is talking about.

[lebayum]

The rebel prince!

Thank you so much!
How about...

Petals in my hand;
those that have fallen,
dead,
from the breaking branches
struggling,
to hold up any life.

No more generosity
no more mouths to be
fed
just untrusting, brittle petals
curling away
from my touch.

Blackened trees, screaming,
but I can't tell what they
said,
they stare at me,
but I don't speak
the language of their eyes.

Sending out beacons
where I'm afraid to
tread;
where their tears stain the ground,
and the flowers turn
into dirt.

[The rebel prince!]

rosynla

where their tears stain the ground,
and the flowers turn
into dirt.

The tears thing is a bit cliche.

You're on the right track though.

3nodding

[lebayum]

The rebel prince!

rosynla

where their tears stain the ground,
and the flowers turn
into dirt.

The tears thing is a bit cliche.

You're on the right track though.

3nodding

Hnnnnnnnnn
I don't really know how to fix that.
I liked it gonk
maybe i should just submit this one instead... (to fizzlesticks' contest, I mean)

My little jar of secrets
Shatter and blow away
Birds struggling against the clouds
On a windy summer day
Shards of my solitude
Glitter on the ground
Spread across the burning concrete
Not to by me by found

I let go of my secrets
I won't hold them any longer
Without the pregnancy of shame
I can only grow stronger

The pieces of paper
Clouds in a cloudless sky
Flying to the treetops
As I silently cry
Although I am free, I still carry
The pain of so many years
Of carrying this jar of secrets
Of wishes, of wants, of fears

So I watch the slips fly away
Into the blue infinity
And the glass melt into the ground
Leaving me, finally, free

[The rebel prince!]

rosynla

The first poem was a lot stronger, you have a better chance of winning with the first one.

[lebayum]

The rebel prince!

rosynla

The first poem was a lot stronger, you have a better chance of winning with the first one.

Ff, that second one is actually one of my favorites :c
This one might be my favorite of mine, but I'm pretty sure it's not eligible since it's 36 lines ><

Atop a hill
She stands each day
Waiting to be set free

In her precarious place,
She waits;
Overlooking the sea

For her love
To return
From his extended trip

Looking out for his smile,
His wave
From his ship

With every passing boat
Hope is renewed
And again dashed

And all she has to
Know him by
Is the disappearing past

As the years
Drag on and on
And her hair turns to gray

She stops hoping
Stops remembering;
From the sea, turns away.

Sometimes she remembers
A remnant of
What she had at the start.

But she can't
Reassemble the
Fragments of her forgotten heart.

So at the silliness of youth
She laughs
Until she cries

And she looks out,
Towards the sea
Though she can't remember why.

[The rebel prince!]

rosynla

I think you do better when you describe the images and work in your line breaks to create a certain rhythm. Where you seem to be lacking is identifying what might be cliche or not effective which comes with experience and failure.

[lebayum]

The rebel prince!

rosynla

I think you do better when you describe the images and work in your line breaks to create a certain rhythm. Where you seem to be lacking is identifying what might be cliche or not effective which comes with experience and failure.

Oh, don't worry, I've got plenty of failure under my belt. "Award of Merit," much? xp
I guess I don't have much experience, but I've been writing poems for 11 years (aka as soon as I knew what a rhyme was), so I have been trying for a long time...

And actually, I kind of like clichés...
I know my poetry isn't very good, but I do kind of have a style, which includes clichés. I guess that just means my style isn't very good. Oh well razz I guess I always kind of knew that. My friends/people on deviantart/people at RASP are always saying how good my stuff is but I always know it's not sweatdrop
Good to have some ACTUAL opinions on my work instead of just "oh this is really good" or "I liked this a lot!!!" or a fav, or a comment on how much they liked the rhythm, or whatever...
Even when I ask questions in my descriptions, they usually get answered with reassurances. I feel like it would be better to have flamers sad

[The rebel prince!]

I suggest maybe stepping out of your style and falling on your face.

xd

DA people, your friends and family are probably the worst people to ask for help when it comes to writing.

[lebayum]

The rebel prince!

I suggest maybe stepping out of your style and falling on your face.

xd

DA people, your friends and family are probably the worst people to ask for help when it comes to writing.

Meh, forget it. I showed you some of my best poems and if they suck, they suck. I write lots of poems, and these are some of the best, so if they're no good I'll just stop writing razz P There's no point sweatdrop
And yeah, I've stopped submitting to dA lately (except for a little flash animation my last post was in 2011 XD) and I've stopped showing stuff to my friends. It's just pointless. stare
Oh well, thanks for the feedback, I get it smile

[The rebel prince!]

rosynla

Meh, forget it. I showed you some of my best poems and if they suck, they suck. I write lots of poems, and these are some of the best, so if they're no good I'll just stop writing razz P There's no point sweatdrop
And yeah, I've stopped submitting to dA lately (except for a little flash animation my last post was in 2011 XD) and I've stopped showing stuff to my friends. It's just pointless. stare
Oh well, thanks for the feedback, I get it smile

Don't give up on writing because you ******** up, I ******** up, we all ******** up and write s**t. Just take what you can from criticisms then try again either by editing and/or starting a new poem.

Good luck to you anyways!
heart

[lebayum]

The rebel prince!

rosynla

Meh, forget it. I showed you some of my best poems and if they suck, they suck. I write lots of poems, and these are some of the best, so if they're no good I'll just stop writing razz P There's no point sweatdrop
And yeah, I've stopped submitting to dA lately (except for a little flash animation my last post was in 2011 XD) and I've stopped showing stuff to my friends. It's just pointless. stare
Oh well, thanks for the feedback, I get it smile

Don't give up on writing because you ******** up, I ******** up, we all ******** up and write s**t. Just take what you can from criticisms then try again either by editing and/or starting a new poem.

Good luck to you anyways!
heart

I don't like writing s**t though... I'd rather not write at all than write s**t D> I dunno. Maybe I'll just enter as is, because I don't really know how to fix it any more based on your critique.
emotion_8c
I'd like to get different critiques if possible so I'll just... solicit XD

[lebayum]

bump