C.R.U.E.L.'s OP/L thread: OPEN! ANNOUNCEMENT: FIRST POST

[herkinkyhighheels]

gosh this thread has fizzled out

[Aphrodite f l y t r a p]

Lovers Never Tell

Aphrodite f l y t r a p

Fudge-licker! Even though we got some crits done, I don't think we've made a dent in the amount we have left. gonk

That's the way it looks! But, hey, lookie I'm next!!!

PS you have the same b-day as my hubby! heart

Yes, you are.

After waiting a couple months. (Sorry about that.)
And I'm not up to doing anything tonight, and I don't know how limited my computer access will be for the next month or so. I hope somebody gets to it by the time I get back, though. xDD

And cool...maybe we can have some sort of joint celebration...xD (Solo cuatro
días más!)

[Lovers Never Tell]

Aphrodite f l y t r a p

Lovers Never Tell

Aphrodite f l y t r a p

Fudge-licker! Even though we got some crits done, I don't think we've made a dent in the amount we have left. gonk

That's the way it looks! But, hey, lookie I'm next!!!

PS you have the same b-day as my hubby! heart

Yes, you are.

After waiting a couple months. (Sorry about that.)
And I'm not up to doing anything tonight, and I don't know how limited my computer access will be for the next month or so. I hope somebody gets to it by the time I get back, though. xDD

And cool...maybe we can have some sort of joint celebration...xD (Solo cuatro
días más!)

Eh, I believe it's well worth the wait to have others with better literary knowlegde to tear apart my hard work and make it better. heart Where is everyone else? This place use to be bumpin! There were even times where the entries were coming in too slow. rofl You guys are getting slow.

Psh, loser doesn't want to celebrate it. But his parents talked him into going to hooters with a few of his guy friends and his dad. Of course, I'm not going 'cause I'd bite his head off for drooling.

[Ace Cigarette]

astaire you are my 20th century fox.

[al_batross]

Lovers Never Tell

The keyboard winds calligraphic i's
under the rough&tumble
of a rickety handle on each moment.
They're pressing forward
with every brush(heart) stroke Where is this headed? And why? You have a couple of very different fashions of input suggested in this first stanza (keyboard & brush), and I don't see an exact reconciliation of them.
fashioned on the easel
of picturesque life.
Though this seems ten pages ahead. See? Easels and pages do not correlate very well. You need to worry more about the literal level of your poem.

Let me probe the (pain)ting a little further.
I disaggregate that beastful mind,
knocking the "-ed" off past tense,
forcing that first dip and wisk (?)
not to have taken place so soon
(for 20/20 hindsight kills). Here you just utterly lose yourself to word games.

This story has yet to be written, What story? My main frustration with this is that I can't conceive that anything has occurred other than some motif embellishments.
but deja vu beats my breath harder.
Maybe it's just me this time,
though, looking at the blinking cursor
on Urania's star charts and record screen, The muses were high-tech? Rockin'.
I'm suddenly doubting it.

[Lovers Never Tell]

al_batross

Lovers Never Tell

The keyboard winds calligraphic i's
under the rough&tumble
of a rickety handle on each moment.
They're pressing forward
with every brush(heart) stroke Where is this headed? And why? You have a couple of very different fashions of input suggested in this first stanza (keyboard & brush), and I don't see an exact reconciliation of them.
fashioned on the easel
of picturesque life.
Though this seems ten pages ahead. See? Easels and pages do not correlate very well. You need to worry more about the literal level of your poem.

Let me probe the (pain)ting a little further.
I disaggregate that beastful mind,
knocking the "-ed" off past tense,
forcing that first dip and wisk (?)
not to have taken place so soon
(for 20/20 hindsight kills). Here you just utterly lose yourself to word games.

This story has yet to be written, What story? My main frustration with this is that I can't conceive that anything has occurred other than some motif embellishments.
but deja vu beats my breath harder.
Maybe it's just me this time,
though, looking at the blinking cursor
on Urania's star charts and record screen, The muses were high-tech? Rockin'.
I'm suddenly doubting it.

I thank you for your critique, but everyone else that had read it, understood where I was going with it. So I'm not sure if the imagry as lost on you or on the whole, so I'll leave it as is. But I do thank you on your input.

[herkinkyhighheels]

meow
sigh.

[TheVoiceOfCreation]

I think this is the last one unfinished.

Narao

my big brother used to tell me i was
easy, spooning me that's so disturbing it's not even funny... until you read on. was that intentional?
mouthfuls of stories, coke
and long nights, sorta like a retreat
with the Moonies. i think he believed
that my bite-sized brain
somehow was just pink fleshy matter-- "somehow was just" reads funny here.
something to dig fingernails
into, and get a good grip,
squashing it around like uncooked ground
beef, molding it like jello, and maybe
even tasting it a bit too.
and now my brain's a soft, limp
organ, to be splattered
across the pavement, little bits
of grey against a sky of white concrete try wording this so there's only one of in the line.
stark against a red-gold sun,
like what they wave around in Japan.

hitler had it all right, laying like jesus, you capitalized Moonies but not Hitler, Jesus, or Stalin?
eyes closed and mind open; stalin must be jealous
that he'd not done the same
but died whole, with pinko eyes and wrinkles.

[TheVoiceOfCreation]

herkinkyhighheels

Baby

cryptic bones
cystic tones
fibrosis mystic in our homes

baby, it's me
will you quiet those schizophrenic moans?
baby, it's me

altruistic kick
erotic tick
sexual antibiotic running thick it reads weird with "antibiotic" being singular. Maybe make it plural?

baby, it's me
will you quiet those schizophrenic moans?
baby, it's me

sadistic bit
chaotic wit
natural narotic fighting split firefox says "narotic" is misspelled.

baby, it's me
will you quiet those schizophrenic moans?
baby, it's me

will you quiet those schizophrenic moans?
will you cut the psychotic trick?
will you stop the hallucinogenic fit?
baby, it's you.

I'm really not crazy about all the repetition... but it's mostly the questions. These seem like lyrics, so I guess I understand where the questions and repetition are supposed to be going, but I just don't think that they're working here. This was an interesting read, and I think you could do a lot with it if you expanded your images more. Try and get them to flow together a little better instead of reading so choppy.

[Stark_raving_mad]

~ ok, so its huge. D: i don't usually like to write huge things, so hopefully it doesn't drag. or ramble.



"they did a good job on her face..."
( if some guy said that to you in a bar
you'd say ................."who did?"
with a smile that makes lightbulbs seem a little useless,
............................"the angels,"
and you'd laugh
that flowing water laugh of yours,
that carries away every mans better judgement
and unknowingly lets it drown in cool precision.
but he'd laugh too- not realizing
that his heart is already sputtering for air, but he can't help it,
and everyone's laughing now, with big care-free grins
and broken puppy eyes because we all know its not really you
that's laughing. its just the wind over your casket. )

you wouldn't even know it,
that behind the sleeping beauty illusion
there's an empty hole where your brain used to be.
just an empty black as night hole,
nothing there,
lights out like whatever kind of angel who lived there finally
stopped smiling long enough to claw itself out
and amongst quivering brain and a bleeding street,
learn how to fly
on the shining white winged glory of God.

i hope its carried by the laughing wind
up into space
and it chokes on the stars.
its stomach saggs from the weight of hearts and stars and
satelites, before it can piroutette to Heaven,
and its lamb-pure face turns purple like a ******** grape.
it faulters, because the wind has stopped laughing-
it chokes, because its abandonned all of us. me.

[Aphrodite f l y t r a p]

FYI for C.R.U.E.L. & Poets:

Digest #43:

All poems that are no longer on this list have been critiqued.

If I have missed anyone please let CRUEL know.

Critique in Progress (CIP):
N/A

Waiting List:
-Aino Ailill, page 184
-werewolfkid, page 185
-Teh DCB, page 187
-Britpop Rox, page 188
-octavianblue, page 188
-Stark_raving_mad, page 189

heart Aphrodite
(Updated on 7/13/08 at 2:18 PM EST.)

[Zero is an Integer]

I have returned.

I don't suppose that you people need my help?

[Aphrodite f l y t r a p]

zero the last decepticon

I have returned.

I don't suppose that you people need my help?

A lot of us are too lazy to actually crit, so your help would probably be appreciated. We're backlogged more than a month.

[Zero is an Integer]

Aphrodite f l y t r a p

zero the last decepticon

I have returned.

I don't suppose that you people need my help?

A lot of us are too lazy to actually crit, so your help would probably be appreciated. We're backlogged more than a month.

That's pretty funny.
Well, should I feel the need, I'll hop on it.

[RaiMidori]

Hey there, zero :3

I haven't seen you in a while.

Perhaps I shall submit some of my own poetry, in time.