C.R.U.E.L.'s OP/L thread: OPEN! ANNOUNCEMENT: FIRST POST

[al_batross]

So close.

mrgreen

[Skyhawk the 2nd]

al_batross

So close.

mrgreen

I wuz aboutz to tellz. crying crying crying


But, ya, it's coolz.

[Astaire]

snm's is done.

SO! I am hopefully going to be doing more critiques now that my first week of move-in/meeting random people/dealing with my ex/getting used to a different sleep schedule is over.

In the meantime, I hope everyone can contribute as much as they can. I realize that a lot of you are busy and such, but I'm hoping at least that we can get it back down to a single day-wait maximum for people to receive crit. sweatdrop

[The Quiller]

I'm a random person from nowhere dropping in out of desperation. Good critique threads are hard to find for forum newbies like me. emo

Here's a poem from about half a year ago - any form of critique is greatly appreciated. While it's aimed towards people who can play piano, the poem itself probably still needs alot of scrubbing.

Thank you in advance.

Quote:

Metronome

One two three, four five six
One two three, four five six

Creeping soft fingers that eerily thrum,
middle, then index, then index and thumb.
Pale alabaster hands fly over keys,
stroking and strumming the cold ivory.

One two three, four five six
One two three, four five six

Sweet melancholy silk spun into mist,
curling and twirling its serpentine wrist.
Major, then minor, then major again,
Transient whispers that hauntingly-

Sin
Stop.
Still;
Start once again.

One two three four five
One two three four five

Faster and faster, the quivering keys,
desperately sing while they struggle to please.
Crescendos trill over rapid refrain,
pounding out patterns of passion and pain.

One two three four five
One two three four-

Sin
Stop.
Start once again.

One two three four
One two three four

Vengeful mistakes that strangle the ear
crazily thrash at the melody's fear.
Blindly they stifle the meter and chord,
caution and beauty all bluntly ignored.

One two three four-

One two three
One two three

Frantically, wildly, seeking escape,
eyes flick in terror as mouths hang agape.
Sins jar the keys in a whirlwind of shame.
All burns to ashes in madness aflame.

One two three
One two three

Sin. Sin. SIN.

One, two
One, two

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

The metronome beats no more.

[Astaire]

PyroAtLarge

Rip it a new one...That's what you guys are good at...


Slave of Rock

Lightning strikes the open sky, Lightning strikes the ground, not the sky. There needs to be something tangible for striking to occur, and open air doesn't work. Also, I don't think a comma works here. A semicolon or a period would be more appropriate.
Stroke of the hour time to die, "Stroke of the hour" sounds like strange diction to me. Also, you need punctuation after "hour". Why is it time to die, anyway?
Life you've lived oh so well, Okay. You don't need to end every line with a comma. Only use commas where they are grammatically needed. Also, what do you mean by "life you've lived oh so well"? That sounds really vague, and I don't see what it has to do with being a slave to rock. (Also, after reading this poem, how would someone who lived their life WELL be a slave to hell?)
Open wide the gates of Hell,
Make your plea and make it fast,
Make your case for it's your last,
Pray you're right pray it's true, There should definitely be some punctuation (like a semicolon or colon) between "right" and "pray". Also, why would you pray that your case is true? Wouldn't you already know if it's true or not? Or do you mean like an arrow's path being "straight and true"? If so, you might want to use a better word.
Hell's jury sentences you,

Death by rock,
Death by roll,
Fate's been sealed,
Rock hard, go!

There's nothing left that you can do,
You think you've won but we own you, Wait... what would even give this person the illusion that they've won? I see nothing in this poem previous to this line that would imply this person thinks they've won.
There's no more yielding,
You're our guitar wielding,
Slave of Rock!

Denim and leather you now wear, I didn't know Denim and leather was the standard issue for Hell...
"Shred with this axe" is all we dare, It sounds more like a command than a dare. To dare would imply that the person actually had a choice. Also, "shred with this axe" doesn't sound like rocking diction to me. It sounds weak. You're talking about shredding, here... can't you make your diction a bit more powerful?
Rock them hard rock them all, What is it with you not punctuating your lines except for a comma at the end? FIX IT.
Condemn the masses heed our call,
You may love but do not hate, So... do not hate the people you are condemning? What? This makes no sense to me.
This is your life this is your fate,
Rock each note rock each verse,
Rock the verdict rock your curse,

Death by rock,
Death by roll,
Host Hell's own, How does this comma not make you twinge?
Metal show!

There's nothing left that you can do,
You think you've won but we own you,
There's no more yielding,
You're our guitar wielding,
Slave of Rock!

Death by rock,
Death by roll,
Fate's been sealed,
Rock hard, go!

There's nothing left that you can do,
You think you've won but we own you,
There's no more yielding,
You're our guitar wielding,
Slave of Rock! The rest of the stanzas are repeated (which makes me assume that these were lyrics) so I didn't crit them, because they were critiqued already when they first appeared.

Sorry this took so long. I've been... erm... yeah. More personal problems YAY!

Anyway, I realize that these are probably lyrics, so set to a guitar riff they may stand all right on their own with some changes, but... I don't know how much I would care for it as a poem. Why would hell make you a slave to rock, of all things? What makes you condemned to being a slave to rock? There are a lot of questions here that the poem doesn't answer, which I think it should. As lyrics, though, I guess it's passable if the music is loud enough to drown out those inconsistancies.

Also, FIX YOUR PUNCTUATION AND STOP ENDING EVERY LINE WITH A COMMA. Please. Please?

[EINSTEIN GROOVIN]

Death

is a full-figured blonde,
and I a professional
behind the camera.
Though we aren't yet acquainted,
I shoot and shoot her
in seductive poses

because one day she'll turn up
at my doorstep, and then I'll say
lovely girl, you haven't changed a bit.
I'll let her in, and we'll slip out
of our shirts in a coy wink.

I only pray the wife isn't home.

[Zeo]

xFTHMx, page 97 biggrin

xFTHMx

here's the newest revision:

Relatively Speaking

further into my adulthood, the inevitable
downhill roll of years gains momentum I like the flow here (the last two lines) with the line break. Instead of tripping my tongue, the words flow smoothly.
as my life is lived in scribbled li(n)es and cigarette
breaks stolen from aging bosses still reeling from all the coke
they did in the '80s and yuppy lawyer clientele trying to feel
hip by association, tedium and more Hmm...this comma...seems like it should be a semicolon or something. The transition between these two thoughts feels like it needs to be a little smoother. Punctuation-wise, it feels a little strange right now.
tedium interspersed with a few borrowed hours
with my guitar before i spend my paycheck
at the bar.

I remember reading some earlier versions of this. I like where it's going, a lot. It has a long winded kind of feel (which is in some ways similar but not entirely to the "sigh" it was described as being). The line "downhill roll of years gains momentum" is exactly what the poem feels like, which is nice. On the other hand, I rather liked some of the simplicity you originally had.

Anyway, there's not a lot that stands out to me. Overall I like the hopelessness there seems to be (in regards to the bosses, the clientele, etc.). It's that whole proletariat misery kind of thing. Again, language-wise nothing (other than what I pointed out) really stood out to me.

Forgive me if I sound incoherent. I turned 21 on thursday, so...I'm pretty hung over. Bleh.

[xFTHMx]

Zeo

xFTHMx, page 97 biggrin

xFTHMx

here's the newest revision:

Relatively Speaking

further into my adulthood, the inevitable
downhill roll of years gains momentum I like the flow here (the last two lines) with the line break. Instead of tripping my tongue, the words flow smoothly.
as my life is lived in scribbled li(n)es and cigarette
breaks stolen from aging bosses still reeling from all the coke
they did in the '80s and yuppy lawyer clientele trying to feel
hip by association, tedium and more Hmm...this comma...seems like it should be a semicolon or something. The transition between these two thoughts feels like it needs to be a little smoother. Punctuation-wise, it feels a little strange right now.
tedium interspersed with a few borrowed hours
with my guitar before i spend my paycheck
at the bar.

I remember reading some earlier versions of this. I like where it's going, a lot. It has a long winded kind of feel (which is in some ways similar but not entirely to the "sigh" it was described as being). The line "downhill roll of years gains momentum" is exactly what the poem feels like, which is nice. On the other hand, I rather liked some of the simplicity you originally had.

Anyway, there's not a lot that stands out to me. Overall I like the hopelessness there seems to be (in regards to the bosses, the clientele, etc.). It's that whole proletariat misery kind of thing. Again, language-wise nothing (other than what I pointed out) really stood out to me.

Forgive me if I sound incoherent. I turned 21 on thursday, so...I'm pretty hung over. Bleh.

thanks. smile


1. FINALLY. people keep bitching about that line, the "downhill roll of years" part and i have refused to alter it.
2. good eye.
3. you are completely right. semi-colon it is.

edit: oh, and HAPPY 21st! i was hungover for MONTHS after mine.

[ambiguitylotus]

cheau, pg. 96

c h e a u

Hi... ^^ Hello to you, too. However, for future notice, please do not use a different color to write your poem. It's totally unnecessary.

----------Go Nor do we need a prompt word to begin reading a poem either.

Failing to hide the weariness and bile in your voice, The word "weariness" is a bit abstract. Care to be more image-oriented please?
this road heavily traveled, Okay, logically, you're talking about this person's "voice", and suddenly switching to a road makes no sense whatsoever. The ideas do not go together.
you ask me why I don’t respect you. Show us the "respect"; don't tell. Use imagery, sensory detail, etc. Also, it's kinda prose-y.
You feel unsatisfied by my previous answers. Same comment as the previous line.
I sigh, wondering why you think this time it will be any different. Use punctuation please! This is the third time I'm inserting it for you! confused scream Also, still prose-y.
My reply: I just don’t see you as an adult. Fourth time putting in periods for you.
I feel like you crumble at everything. Fifth time. Still too prose-y.

My lips are dry. 6th.
Tongue peeks out to taste them. 7th.
This constant tense, strained relationship Well, I kinda figured that out from the first stanza already. This is nothing new. Also, this line is a sentence fragment.
These shields What "shields"? Metaphorical ones?
fall Ineffective enjambment here, and I don't think this should be on its own line either.
but expertly catches at our feet Define "expertly" through imagery, sensory detail, etc. Otherwise, it sounds fake and weak.
and hangs, dripping, preparing ascent Hmm, work on enjambment here. I feel like "preparing ascent" should be on the next line.
to regain its throne If you're still talking about the shields, then "their throne" is the correct possessive pronoun. Otherwise, "its throne" makes no sense.
later. 8th.

In its place an empty atmosphere Learn to distinguish between homophones: its and it's (it is). Consult a grammar guidebook if need be. Also, where is your verb? Learn to use grammar correctly when writing. Otherwise, it'll be sentence fragments.
slightly static like a dying charge This line is misleading and confusing. Either use "slightly static" or "dying charge", but not both. Otherwise, you're contradicting yourself.
once strong, now drained Umm, semicolon or comma after this line?? 9th.
as if neither feels much of anything; or . Umm, neither what? Who or what are you referring to? And "feels much of" what? This line is so vague and weak. There are no imagery, sensory detail, and/or other poetic devices. Also, this is the 10th time I have to point out punctuation problems for you.
Or, because of such regular use, Why and how is the subject in "regular use"? Give us some poetic devices!
emotion ducts have sealed off, How and why?
overused, 12th.
blockaded, impossible to restore tonight. 13th. Also, there are too many unnecessary adjectives.

I see her sway slightly
and drop her hands to the table. 14th.
Time seems to have lost its hold. 15th. How and why? Use poetic devices please.
Once more exhausted, Who or what is "exhausted"? Also, 16th.
and, yet, here we are again Too many commas in this line. I'd get rid of the "yet".
in the only place that seems to exist Vague and abstract. Use imagery.
here, confined, I'm not too sure about the comma after "here".
inescapable, and impenetrable. 18th time.

I casually but only physically depart Commas deleted. Also, use imagery and sensory detail to enhance this. Use adverbs sparingly.
a sour aftertaste mixing with the air. 19th time.

My ears detect the terribly familiar draining melody of Comma deleted.
a mother’s barely contained heart release. 20th.

----------End Same comment above when you mentioned "Go".

Thanks. <3

General Comments:

1. Too prose-y. Work on enjambments and remove poetic fat.

2. Learn to use punctuation! Geez, it was so frustrating to read this piece, because I keep inserting them for you. I'm a critic, not your editor! You're lucky that I have the patience to give full blown critiques on ALL poems on this thread. Next time though, I'll just hand it back to you and tell you to consult a grammar and punctuation handbook before submitting.

3. Also, do not make every line into a sentence. You did that several times in the piece.

4. Be careful with capitalization, and be consistent with it! Be sure to also check your word processor, because some processors have the auto-correct feature, so you'd have to manually correct the stuff.

5. DO NOT put a word on its own line because it has to earn that. In your case, you have quite a few and all of them are not effective at all.

6. Use adverbs sparingly. Go towards action verbs instead to create a more dynamic piece.

7. Adhere to grammar. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm reading sentence fragments. confused

8. Do NOT give us a string of adjectives. It drags the lines, making the poem long-winded.

9. GRAMMAR & PUNCTUATION OVERALL: I highly URGE YOU to consult a grammar guidebook. I think you can seriously benefit from it since I made way too many corrections for you. You have serious issues with sentence fragments, phrases, and run-on sentences.

10. This entire piece is sadly lacking in imagery, sensory detail, figurative language, and poetic devices. It is all so bland and dull. You have to write a poem that evokes emotions in the reader, thereby stimulating and holding the reader's interest until the end. Spice it up!! Also, use personal experiences if need be.

11. With that said, this piece is also so abstract that I'm not really sure what is the message/theme you're trying to convey to the reader. I have no idea what it is about, since a lot of the stanzas do not really support each other. The entire piece feels disjointed and loose, to say the least. Work on tightening the lines and stanzas while sticking to the theme/message you're trying to get across to the reader.

12. Furthermore, because this piece has so many errors and needs major revisions, it doesn't have a title, or even a working one!! It is very disappointing to see a piece untitled or a poem with "Untitled" as its title. Titles are there for a purpose. Thus, after you finish revising this piece, I'd suggest that you come up with one that best reflects the poem (and vice versa).

13. Finally, from what you have written here, it seems like you're new to poetry. I HIGHLY URGE you to read this subforum's sticky notes as a guide to writing and revising poetry, for I feel that you definitely need it.

On that note, I think the best thing for this piece is for you to completely rewrite it entirely. Start anew, since every single line is just too prose-y and is just lacking in poetic devices.

I'd be happy to read the new piece if need be. Good luck with revisions/rewrite.

-Lotus
C.R.U.E.L. Crew Member

[ambiguitylotus]

Whoa, no poems on page 100? How interesting...

[al_batross]

xFTHMx

it's august's collectible: plasma gear.

√

[fashuneesta2662]

My poem is a bit short. Would you mind critiquing it?

Don’t feel sorry for me,
feel sorry for what you’ve done
because,
don’t you see,
you said you’d be the one?

Some things you can jump start
but our love has died;
in you, anyway.
Can’t you tell I’ve got a broken heart,
because of how you lied?

[Astaire]

I love how a bunch of imitation crit threads pop up the moment our thread starts slacking.

WHERE ARE MY CRITICS? I know there are more than two of you.

[ambiguitylotus]

Astaire

I love how a bunch of imitation crit threads pop up the moment our thread starts slacking.

WHERE ARE MY CRITICS? I know there are more than two of you.

Oh, good. Then I'm not crazy or imagining it then. *rubs eyes*