C.R.U.E.L.'s OP/L thread: OPEN! ANNOUNCEMENT: FIRST POST

[Astaire]

Announcement:Been waiting for a critique from us? Chances are, 'Tross and the others have it under control. Here is a list of critiques that have been done recently, with many thanks to my critics for getting this waiting list under control:

al_batross

Okay, this is the critiques for the past month or whatever as I currently have it:

Waiting List

- xxLoveaholicxx (Skyhawk), pg. 146 here
- DeliriumNox, pg. 146 here
- Fizzlesticks, pg. 146 here
- jessiegirl94, pg. 147 here
- Samurai Seven Blade, pg. 147 here
- nevertobeokay, pg. 147 here
- Utterly Damaged Particles, pg. 147 here
- Zaroyn, pg. 147 here
- Tsuyoki-chan, pg. 147 here
- p u r p l e b u t t e r, pg. 147 here
- Winter_Cherries, pg. 148 here
- coconutboy, pg. 148 here
- le fornications, pg. 148 here
- Girz, pg. 148 here
- Alice In Loverland, pg. 148 here
- affirmedreality, pg. 148
- Galacial Malice, pg. 149 here
- Blackleaf, pg. 149 here
- jennablues, pg. 149 here
- LizzeyAnn, pg. 149 here
- sinister_candie, pg. 150 here
- Aj Rabbit, pg. 150 here
- Angels-Reign, pg. 150 here
- Tiki Soki, pg. 150 here
- Xxhinata_bellxX, pg. 151 here
- Yoshi_with_Eggs, 151 here
- lilbabygurl411, pg. 152 here
- fairie2002, pg. 152 here
- Angel Aesthetic, pg. 152 here
-bitten-angel, pg. 153 here
-ScreamerA440, pg. 153 here
-rawr it up, pg. 153 here
-interludereality, pg. 153 here
-JadenFiyeroKyrre, pg. 153 here
-ashizm, pg. 153 here

I need some hella good eggnog, or something.

That's right, kids! C.R.U.E.L. is back with a brand-spanking new critique thread. Now, along with our affiliates, the members of our guild will be doling out free, thorough critiques to the members of the OP/L. So, if you're looking for brutal honesty with no sugarcoating, you've come to the right place.

Here's how it works: you (the poet) post your poem on our thread (one poem at a time unless given permission to post multiple poems at once), and one of the members of C.R.U.E.L. will critique your poem. Notice that all of our active members are listed below; an active member is defined as having completed at least THREE (3) critiques on this thread within the past month. Generally, we will be doing one critique for every poem posted, but if things are going slow, or if two people go for your poem at once, you may get lucky.

As far as asking for specific members goes, you can request on the thread all you like (so long as you don't harrass any of us,) but we cannot guarantee at any time that you will get the person you ask for. You may get lucky and said person may accept your request to have them look at your poem, but no C.R.U.E.L. member is obligated to respond to specific requests. As far as harrassment goes, if you decide to harrass any of us via PM, you forefit the right to have any of your poems critiqued on this thread.

Affiliates:

The Clinic

and

Sophist's Critique Shack!

(Oh, and before anyone asks, people asking for critiques from our affiliates CAN additionally post their poems here.)

[Astaire]

Active members of C.R.U.E.L.:

-Astaire (Captain)
-al_batross
-xFTHMx

[Astaire]

-Reserved-

[Astaire]

-Reserved-

[Astaire]

Open for business.

[kittylushio]

Raging fist, piercing my body,
like herds of bison charging through
an open meadow, leave my clothes
drentched with blood, as if I had
bathed in tomato juice.
Gazing at the sky, I walk, with it's
stars bright as lights on
christmas day.

Moonlight casting over my shadow
like sunrise over a horizon, continuing
on my journey home, seeking
nothing, dusk approaches.
Forgetting about misfortunes
trailing tears dry up.
Flowers bloom in gardens
like all life, I continue on.

[Johnny x F x]

We finished the bottle of Irish around 5
and climbed mounds of dinosaur bones
with the bloated moon setting at our backs
in deep purples and greys.
We started out at the first hints of azure,
let the band entertain someone else
in favor of new days with new friends.
We were first to greet the sun as it pushed
flesh-colored wisps ahead,
drew them out with long, easy brushstrokes.
Dead ground, the surrounding brown growth
strained against dry tear ducts
in impotent envy.

As Jesus made that Shotgun Sound
we picked out our future home amongst
the faded scrub clothing Sol's sanctuary,
between the spreading arms of the vale
least likely to wash away
when the flood comes.
I thought it looked a little inaccessible,
but that was the point.

Fellow revelers called to us
once the dawn was no longer ours
to horde.
We picked our way back down
among crumbling shale and jagged wood
petrified.

When I stepped in front of you suddenly,
pulled you close and thought
about kissing your nervous smile,
I watched the second dawn crown you
over the spine of long-extinct creatures

and counted myself among them.

[Aged Cherry Twizzlers]

this thread makes me smile on the inside.

Everything said

The gift of revelation has left me
and the rut that I spoke of earlier
has me marking the space between hours, knowing
their lapse to be like the give of folded limbs;
my counting
a line drawn through the bark to see if it will move any
with growth. I have learned that any fat on stone,
any polish
should be cut away for the sake of the veins;
don't touch it as they throb, don't touch
the butterfly's wings if it is still alive.

You will read this and look up,
eyelashes raising a clear note through the air,
saying how can it be true.
Here surely I have proved myself wrong, wrought
ligaments out of the emptiness
to string us together, not along.
The time I spoke of will pass; new things, birds
will fall out of buds with their unfurl
and I will be a paradox, the thing
that seals lips for the sake of words.

But if I say that I was born, that you were,
with mind flushed through body
not like salt through water, or iron through earth
but like breath through a lung--
you will unknot the comparison with bloodless fingers
and ask for the flow back, for me to please not
touch you.

[al_batross]

[-Taffi-]

Raging fist, piercing my body,
like herds of bison charging through It's interesting without this here, so... Idea.
an open meadow, leaving my clothes
drenched with blood, as if I had If you don't have a word processor, either download firefox or check www.spellcheck.net out.
bathed in tomato juice. I know how "drenched in blood" looks, and this isn't that innovative a simile: You simply took the image, and found another way to say it, rather than recontextualization of some kind.
Gazing at the sky, I walk, with it's
stars bright as lights on
Christmas day. Since you're using caps elsewhere, you should be formal for Christmas, too.

Moonlight casting over my shadow
like sunrise over a horizon, continuing Meh kind of enjambment in this stanza: It's there, but it seems like you just picked the word before the most natural pause in each and every case. It feels choppy and rushed, rather than simple and dramatic.
on my journey home, seeking
nothing, as dusk approaches. Just a grammar issue.
Forgetting about misfortunes
trailing tears dry up. "Trailing tears"? Come now, surely there's something neater to say here.
Flowers bloom in gardens Maybe colon at end of this line?
like all life, I continue on.

[Astaire]

[-Taffi-]

Raging fist, piercing my body, You're abusing -ing verbs.
like herds of bison charging through
an open meadow, leave my clothes
drenched with blood, as if I had SPELLCHECK! This is a run-on sentence, which makes the first half of this stanza a bit clunky to read. Break up the punctuation a bit.
bathed in tomato juice. It's hard to take a metaphor like this one seriously. Bathing in tomato juice seems a bit too... absurd for the subject you're describing.
Gazing at the sky, I walk, with its Okay, first you're punched in the gut... and now you're staring at the sky. Where's the transition?
stars bright as lights on
christmas day. Christmas Day is capitalized. Also, your similes have little to no unity; they don't seem to tie together in any way. You may want to make them a bit more connected.

Moonlight casting over my shadow
like sunrise over a horizon, continuing Hm. I'm not sure this metaphor completely fits. Shadows don't really make a horizon.
on my journey home, seeking TOO MANY -ING VERBS!
nothing, dusk approaches. Again with the abuse of commas. It makes you sound like you're listing things rather than describing them.
Forgetting about misfortunes What misfortunes? Being punched in the gut? Show us, don't tell us.
trailing tears dry up. Meh. Avoid tears unless used in an original way.
Flowers bloom in gardens Yeah? And? What about flowers blooming in gardens? Also, you need punctuation at the end of this line.
like all life, I continue on. This ending is more of a summation than anything else, which can be a good thing, but I don't know if it's strong enough.

Your big problem is transitions between ideas. It seems like you're trying to tell us a story, but there are significant plot bits missing. Essentially, you need to work on making this poem more unified.

[Astaire]

Aged Cherry Twizzlers

this thread makes me smile on the inside.

Everything said

The gift of revelation has left me,
and the rut that I spoke of earlier I'm assuming this line is to establish that you have some familiarity with the imaginary listener.
has me marking the space between hours, knowing
their lapse to be like the give of folded limbs;
my counting
a line drawn through the bark to see if it will move any
with growth. I have learned that any fat on stone,
any polish
should be cut away for the sake of the veins;
don't touch it as they throb, don't touch "It"? If you're referring to the veins, it should be "them." If you aren't, this "it" is pretty vague.
the butterfly's wings if it is still alive.

You will read this and look up,
eyelashes raising a clear note through the air,
saying how can it be true. Why do you think my eyes are going to be saying that? I want to know why you think I'll be so incredulous.
Here surely I have proved myself wrong, wrought
ligaments out of the emptiness Meh. "Out of the emptiness" always sounds... empty to me. I hear it a lot in poetry, and it's usage here is vague. What emptiness are you referring to?
to string us together, not along.
The time I spoke of will pass; new things, birds
will fall out of buds with their unfurl Unfurl is a verb, not an adjective. I don't think it works as one here.
and I will be a paradox, the thing I think that comma would work better as a colon.
that seals lips for the sake of words.

But if I say that I was born, that you were, The syntax here is awkward, and it's difficult to understand what you're saying in this line.
with mind flushed through body
not like salt through water, or iron through earth
but like breath through a lung-- Too many commas! Aaaah... It makes this bit hard to read, and with it especially being wordy, you may want to break up the punctuation.
you will unknot the comparison with bloodless fingers
and ask for the flow back, for me to please not
touch you.

It's a beautiful piece. There's honestly not a lot of fault I can find with it. crying I feel grossly inadequete.

[al_batross]

Johnny xFATHOMx

We finished the bottle of Irish around 5 I like numbers more written out, at least for time.
and climbed mounds of dinosaur bones
with the bloated moon setting at our backs
in deep purples and grays. "grey" isn't a big deal, but Firefox picks it up, so you should know better.
I'd really like there to be a stanza break here: Beyond the fact that this is a giganto stanza, the next part is thematically different enough to validate it.
We started out at the first hints of azure,
let the band entertain someone else
in favor of new days with new friends. This would be really interesting if you put parentheses around "in favor".
We were first to greet the sun as it pushed
flesh-colored wisps ahead, Very strong image. Wisps is kinda weak, but the overall image: Wowza.
drew them out with long, easy brush strokes. Two words. Just sayin'.
Dead ground, the surrounding brown growth
strained against dry tear ducts
in impotent envy. "with" not "in".

As Jesus made that Shotgun Sound
we picked out our future home amongst
the faded scrub clothing Sol's sanctuary, See, this is a ghost caesura. Props to you.
between the spreading arms of the vale
least likely to wash away
when the flood comes. Maybe cap "flood"? Or does death not matter that much here?
I thought it looked a little inaccessible,
but that was the point.

Fellow revelers called to us
once the dawn it was no longer ours
to horde.
We picked our way back down
among crumbling shale and jagged wood
petrified. Idea: Move petrified into the beginning of the next stanza for a big dose of new connotation.

When I stepped in front of you suddenly,
pulled you close and thought
about kissing your nervous smile,
I watched the second dawn crown you "crown" is a verb?
I suppose that's fine if it is, but cut "dawn" here: It reduces that very first allusion to it by repeating it (especially twice).
over the spine of long-extinct creatures
Let's redo these linebreaks: "When I stepped in front / of you suddenly, pulled you close and thought about kissing / your nervous smile, over the spine of long-extinct creatures"

and counted myself among them. "I counted myself among.": Much, much better.

[Johnny x F x]

al_batross

Johnny xFATHOMx

We finished the bottle of Irish around 5 I like numbers more written out, at least for time.i tend to go back and forth on that.
and climbed mounds of dinosaur bones
with the bloated moon setting at our backs
in deep purples and grays. "grey" isn't a big deal, but Firefox picks it up, so you should know better.
I'd really like there to be a stanza break here: Beyond the fact that this is a giganto stanza, the next part is thematically different enough to validate it.firefox is narrowminded. but perhaps you're right about the stanza break.
We started out at the first hints of azure,
let the band entertain someone else
in favor of new days with new friends. This would be really interesting if you put parentheses around "in favor". but then it wouldn't make any sense if you read it without the parentheses (which is their point).
We were first to greet the sun as it pushed
flesh-colored wisps ahead, Very strong image. Wisps is kinda weak, but the overall image: Wowza. at least i didn't say "clouds." smile
drew them out with long, easy brush strokes. Two words. Just sayin'. don't know if you've noticed, but i do that a lot. it is conscious choice, part of what gives me my own uniques style, my own voice. i did it up there a moment ago with "narrowminded" too. also, with "linebreaks" constantly.
Dead ground, the surrounding brown growth
strained against dry tear ducts
in impotent envy. "with" not "in". check.

As Jesus made that Shotgun Sound
we picked out our future home amongst
the faded scrub clothing Sol's sanctuary, See, this is a ghost caesura. Props to you. mrgreen
between the spreading arms of the vale
least likely to wash away
when the flood comes. Maybe cap "flood"? Or does death not matter that much here? no, it's not about death, but LIFE.
I thought it looked a little inaccessible,
but that was the point.

Fellow revelers called to us
once the dawn it was no longer ours that completely ******** up the flow of that line. "the dawn" stays. i deliberately avoided using that term until this point...
to horde.
We picked our way back down
among crumbling shale and jagged wood
petrified. Idea: Move petrified into the beginning of the next stanza for a big dose of new connotation. that is a GREAT idea.

When I stepped in front of you suddenly,
pulled you close and thought
about kissing your nervous smile,
I watched the second dawn crown you "crown" is a verb?
I suppose that's fine if it is, but cut "dawn" here: It reduces that very first allusion to it by repeating it (especially twice).it is the second "dawn". literally. and yes, crown is a verb. When the entire poem is ABOUT dawn, you have to mention it more than once, and if you just keep referring to it through flowery metaphors number 1 through 6, it gets far too Wanksty.
over the spine of long-extinct creatures
Let's redo these linebreaks: "When I stepped in front / of you suddenly, pulled you close and thought about kissing / your nervous smile, over the spine of long-extinct creatures"
perhaps, but it's important that "thought" hang on the end of the line as it does
and counted myself among them. "I counted myself among.": Much, much better. i really wanted to avoid punctuation at the end of that stanza. the fact that i broke it off on its own like this without the punctuation allows it to stand on its feet but remain connected to the previous line of thought. Not to mention it gets a little too "i" heavy at the end already.

what do you think of:

When i stepped in front of you
suddenly, pulled you close and thought
about kissing your nervous
smile, i watched the second dawn
crown you over the spines of long-extinct creatures.

the CROWN is KEY. she had a halo, but i wasn't about to use those words.

[kittylushio]

thanks this rough draft I posted here shall be worked on more smile , just wanted to see what people thought I should work on smile

[beautiful robot]

Of course crown is a verb...
how would one become King or Queen if nobody was able to crown them?
ninja