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Edited-4

I forgot what it was like to be passionate-
to have heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled in deluded decibels
pounding out directions for migraines later.

Tip-toed prints spotted floors
leading to the trashcan
where I left my breakfast today
after smelling you in my sheets again.

It's morning's like these
that I miss the me you fell in love with
and often plan to make a trip soon.
Maybe I'll even let you hold my hand when we arrive.

You remember the way back, right?
My memory has failed yet again
and we're making too many lefts.
There was never a margin for error,

but I swore the lines had blurred
when the gloves came off after the exam.
Maybe I didn't pass after all,
or maybe I was too caught up in the moment again.



I forgot what it was like to be passionate-
to have heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled in deluded decibels
pounding out directions for migraines later

Tip-toed prints spotted floors
leading to the trashcan
where I left my breakfast today
after smelling you in my sheets again.

It's morning's like these
that I miss the me you fell in love with
and often plan to make a trip soon.
Maybe I'll even let you hold my hand when we arrive.




I forgot what it was like to be passionate-
to have heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled on daily deluding this
ladies fancies, but what can you expect?





I forgot what it was like to be passionate,
to have heart swept conversation
lightly drizzled in pseudo-realism--
what's really real, really?

Tip-toed prints spotted floors
leading to the trashcan
where I left my breakfast today
after smelling you in my sheets again.

It's morning's like these
that I miss the me you fell in love with
and often plan to make a trip soon.
Maybe I'll even let you hold my hand when we arrive.
Keep the middle stanza.
Lovers Never Tell's avatar

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Sand in your Majina
Keep the middle stanza.


That's my favorite stanza, so I guess it's a start. Anything else, or just toss the rest and form something around the middle one?
lose the first, f'sho.
I disagree. The seed is in the beginning.

Quote:
I forgot what it was like to be passionate,
to have heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled
in pseudo-realism--
what's really real, really?


The bolded area is asking for an extended metaphor relating passion to the ocean and the rain. Pseudo-realism is something you could take from the abstract and use to make a concrete situation or object.

to have a heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled in dollhouses

While a dollhouse is not exactly something you'd expect to have "lightly drizzled", it helps to symbolize the "real, yet not real"-ness of the situation. If you then set the stage as a beachfront property with a couple of spoiled college kids, I could see this going somewhere.
Lovers Never Tell's avatar

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Power Armor Felix
I disagree. The seed is in the beginning.

Quote:
I forgot what it was like to be passionate,
to have heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled
in pseudo-realism--
what's really real, really?


The bolded area is asking for an extended metaphor relating passion to the ocean and the rain. Pseudo-realism is something you could take from the abstract and use to make a concrete situation or object.

to have a heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled in dollhouses

While a dollhouse is not exactly something you'd expect to have "lightly drizzled", it helps to symbolize the "real, yet not real"-ness of the situation. If you then set the stage as a beachfront property with a couple of spoiled college kids, I could see this going somewhere.


Thank you. I'll play with it.

I was actually expecting people to say to get rid of the third because it's so light in imagery and all that.
I agree with everyone, but I personally love the last stanza the most.
Lovers Never Tell's avatar

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Stay stay love
I agree with everyone, but I personally love the last stanza the most.
iiiI'm thinkin' about my doorbell, when ya gonna ring it



So bare-boned emotion wins?

Intaresting. Vary intaresting.

when ya gonna ring it ii ii iiiii iii
Lovers Never Tell
Stay stay love
I agree with everyone, but I personally love the last stanza the most.
iiiI'm thinkin' about my doorbell, when ya gonna ring it



So bare-boned emotion wins?

Intaresting. Vary intaresting.

when ya gonna ring it ii ii iiiii iii
Usually not for me, but there's something so genuine in it that it almost feels like the perfect sadness with a resolution of hope!
Lovers Never Tell's avatar

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Stay stay love
Lovers Never Tell
Stay stay love
I agree with everyone, but I personally love the last stanza the most.


So bare-boned emotion wins?

Intaresting. Vary intaresting.


Usually not for me, but there's something so genuine in it that it almost feels like the perfect sadness with a resolution of hope!


Hmm... True...

I suppose I'm just my own worst critique in this instance as I feel I could do something better with it, but at the same time I'm a bit worried I would lose the real meaning if I added or changed anything... This is why crits are my best friends. 3nodding
I know right, I go crazy when I can't figure out what I should do with a poem and then someone comes a long and tells me it was perfect and I realize it was all along hahah.
Lovers Never Tell's avatar

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Stay stay love
I know right, I go crazy when I can't figure out what I should do with a poem and then someone comes a long and tells me it was perfect and I realize it was all along hahah.


I have a hard time accepting that. Hahaha. I don't know how many times Zero, Luis and couple others have yelled at me for it. I call it perfectionism and they call it modesty-I-can-get-over.
Lovers Never Tell's avatar

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EDITED!!!! heart heart heart heart heart
Power Armor Felix
I disagree. The seed is in the beginning.

Quote:
I forgot what it was like to be passionate,
to have heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled
in pseudo-realism--
what's really real, really?


The bolded area is asking for an extended metaphor relating passion to the ocean and the rain. Pseudo-realism is something you could take from the abstract and use to make a concrete situation or object.

to have a heart-swept conversation
lightly drizzled in dollhouses

While a dollhouse is not exactly something you'd expect to have "lightly drizzled", it helps to symbolize the "real, yet not real"-ness of the situation. If you then set the stage as a beachfront property with a couple of spoiled college kids, I could see this going somewhere.


I disagree.

The first sentence was Mary Oliver-esque. Promising but minus the heart. Lightly drizzled just bothered me because it reminds me of salad and a bobble-headed Giada Di Laurentis teaching me to make food with all the right Italian pronunciations.

Is passion a salad - cold, dutifully eaten and lightly drizzled in oil and the scurf of your fridge's condiments or is it something else? Maybe I'm just hungry.

Sometimes first seed isn't the right one.

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