Brand new sonnet for spring; please critique!

What is the purpose of this poll?

To draw in the gullible an gold-hungry.	25.0%	[ 2 ]
To fish for compliments about this poem's improbable perfection.	12.5%	[ 1 ]
To attract the attention of those few, rare heroes who will leave genuine critiques.	62.5%	[ 5 ]
Total Votes:			[ 8 ]

[fuitilium]

Right, it's been years since I've written a sonnet, and I am well aware that I'm badly out of practice, so please take this to pieces! I used a Spencerian rhyme scheme because... it felt right? I wanted to? Take your pick. In any case, I wrote this just because I am desperate for spring. Seriously, I've started growing a little garden in a box on top of my radiator. That's how desperate I am. So, since you know I love spring and want to do it justice, please be brutal in your analysis of this poem so that I can improve!

The snow was white for no more than an hour
Before the daily grime had stained it grey,
Before drab use had turned it salt and sour;
The adult chore that kills the child's play.
They sky has glowered down day after day,
The wind has bitten bones and spirits numb,
And slush-encrusted shoes begin to weigh
As heavy as a broken heart, as glum
As any rotted tree limb drowned in scum.
But I believe the sun's defiant gold,
However dark the dear sky has become,
Is waiting for me, brave and far and bold.
I trust, in spite of winter's bitter arts,
The heraldry of robins' scarlet hearts.

[The Tritagonist]

How happy I am to see you again! It's been, what. Five, six years? heart
(This is someone who used to lurk here under the username Elixir + some number.)

Quote:

The snow was white for no more than an hour

This is a great opener! heart

Quote:

Before the daily grime had stained it grey,

I guess this is a play on "daily grind." Not sure how I feel about this part yet, it's not particularly bad, but "daily grime" is a bit amorphous? Grime from people, passing vehicles, animals, or what?

Quote:

Before drab use had turned it salt and sour;
The adult chore that kills the child's play.

The second line neither makes sense nor flows with the rest of the poem. Actually, this part makes me feel I have to reach a little to comprehend it. What use? Use in context of snow, I mean. The snow isn't exactly "used" unless you are referring to treading on it, but I don't feel "use" is the right word here. A clearer, more immediate word would work wonders for this whole part.

Quote:

They sky has glowered down day after day,
The wind has bitten bones and spirits numb,
And slush-encrusted shoes begin to weigh

I think the third line here is one of the highs of this poem, even if "slush-encrusted shoes" isn't exactly easy on the tongue. Unfortunately...

Quote:

As heavy as a broken heart, as glum

...what comes here ruins it. "Broken heart" is a total buzzkill, sorry.

Quote:

As any rotted tree limb drowned in scum.

Of two minds on this. On one hand, it's a nifty little image; on the other, when I think of scum, I think of a pond, and in the context of winter, I'd imagine that pond to be frozen over and thus the image to be incongruous.

Quote:

But I believe the sun's defiant gold,
However dark the dear sky has become,
Is waiting for me, brave and far and bold.
I trust, in spite of winter's bitter arts,
The heraldry of robins' scarlet hearts.

And here comes the turn, I suppose. And if there is a time to deliver a twist or a gut-punch, this would be it. Unfortunately, I feel that cliche and weak word choice weakens the punch thrown here. I mean, this piece is what it is, but I think some strength or conviction in the word choice wouldn't hurt. "Dark" is such a soft word, both in sound and in meaning (being noncommittal). Go all out! Use a stronger word like "black" (or whatever, don't let me write the piece for you, but you get the idea).

I guess this is one side, maybe one part of what I feel is the problem: this optimism is unearned and unconvincing. Maybe it's the confusing setup in the first lines, and the reach for cliche to try and articulate the despair of the situation. Maybe it's what I've pointed out above. I mean, the last lines aren't particularly awful, but what's around them doesn't really help them shine, either.

All in all, this is far from stellar, I'm afraid. It's daring, especially because of its form, and it has its moments, but some parts of the rhythm are rather rough, and I find that the weak diction and reach for easy cliches in points, really hurts this piece. When working with form and restrictions, I find it much more important that every word, every syllable counts.

Good luck revising this. It's far from great now, but I trust you can tweak this and make it so.

[fuitilium]

SiIverwing

How happy I am to see you again! It's been, what. Five, six years? heart
(This is someone who used to lurk here under the username Elixir + some number.)

Oh, wow, I can't believe it's really you! My old sonnet buddy! It was actually because I was thinking back to a few years ago that I decided to try my rusty hand at a sonnet again. Thank you, thank you for the feedback. As usual I have decided, in the cold light of day, that apart from one phrase I don't even know what I was thinking with this one. But if you're still hanging around here, I will definitely keep trying.

[The Tritagonist]

I should try to write a sonnet again. College/grad school happened and I haven't in years. Orz
That and while I did hang out with lit people in college (despite being a quantitative finance person), they were mostly free verse people and while they weren't hostile to it, it's so hard to keep writing in verse when no one else does it. It's lonely, I tell ya.

I dunno if I can say I hang around here, I haven't even written on a regular basis in years. .____.
I'm going to change that, though. Going to will myself to do NaPoWriMo this year.

Anyway, back to you. There are some parts of the poem worth saving (yeah, especially the opener) but I guess it's up to you if you want to do a major rewrite or try and save what else is in there. There is a lot to work on, but I trust you can do it. heart