xll Senri Shiki llx
(?)Community Member
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- Posted: Fri, 11 Apr 2014 10:05:02 +0000
BEGINNING
I was lost in a world that had no meaning.... I wandered aimlessly. under grey and blue skies but my world seemed like black and white, I didn't care, ... about the air I breathed. The sound of the whispering trees or the people around me...they were all just shadows and I was a silhouette that barely lingered,.....I dont belong....... I had grown immune. to this empty existence, everything is so empty, so hollow so lonely...
days passed emptily, and i was this.... shell..... I knew the teachers were suspecting something...I knew that they knew in a way... one day i would not be in their class.... but everyone kept silent...everyone always keeps silent,.... i knew it was coming. I didn't know when, or how, but I would decide the time was right but I knew it was soon because I had lost all feeling left. After all, who cares about a 19 year old teen. My days were numbered.... the people around me had been blurred shadows for as long as what i could remember.... and i was just lingering in this world where i just never seemed to belong...
There are thousands of people in the world. Why should my existence be significant?
The pages in my journal had grown blank.
Words had left all meaning.
no taste...
no hunger...
sleep was the only salvation....
But when i wake it starts all over again....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But when the time came..... I remembered all the reasons that had lead up to it......the reasons............... why....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
all leading up to the moment......that i had hoped would be my last.
B E A U T I F U L D E A T H
I stared emptily at the window frame, not the glass .....just the frame that held it in place. not flawless but binding.... holding the glass in place , like all things need something to hold them in place. A sense of balance. Of being.
My nails caressed the handle. feeling the textured material.
All hope lost, and now, they win. Im tired of fighting and its okay now. Because I've waited so long. and I've fought so hard. I'm so tired of fighting.I'm ready now..... to let it all go, to let it go.... and....slip away...to fade away into nothing... Ive been fading this entire time and no one saw it..besides me.....
how could they be so blind.....
I've waited a long time.....since as far back as I can remember this is what ive always wanted.....to just let it go. to feel the wind rush around me just one last time. I've felt so hollow for so long maybe just in the last moment something might change... maybe ill feel something just this once.
I promised myself i would .....and I promised I would. I promised myself is all i can think, because the tears are streaming down my face. Knowing of what I'm leaving behind. Of what I could be leaving behind.
But its okay....because now im ready. I can feel the car shift gears and i look out into the valiant lake Michigan with all its glory and close my eyes, only for a second to remember the things that meant the most to me.
All the beautiful memories, burning the bridges to my existence, burning me out, causing me to fade... i want to fade, fade into nothing like everything else, in this moment i am nothing... but i remember the things that made me something. someone.
and when there was him......first time he told me he loved me the way he looked into my eyes and made me believe i was actually someone. something to him that meant more then dust on a window sill...but im just me. nothing more then that. and nothing will change it. I know that now....
Then i remember
The first time I wrote a journal entry, how angry i was... that the pages i tore through and when i stopped writing. Because all i could do was pretend things were not happening. that Everything was okay. that im normal like everyone else. but i never have been. and i never will be....and now i dont want to be. I dont want to be normal. i dont want to be anything.
then........
The memories of the open field where the breeze shifted and the trees whispered ...the crickets crooned.... and there was silence.... where i would go and sit and cry so no one could hear my screams of anger and fury for my father abandoning me, and the many betrayals of my family my so called mother,
Then the angry memory....
.......my step dad....
When he said he would kill us, me and my mother. slit our throats and no one would ever find us....
I should have told him i would be glad if he did. So i could haunt his life every waking moment, of every hour, ever second of every waking day. Every for the rest of his life...Because i would
my mom...
she told me that everything was my fault.
But we both knew it was hers she just couldn't cope with the fact the man she loved had raped her oldest daughter, my sister. SO whose fault was it? the Predator or the prey?
was it the Lamb that wandered into the forest. or the wolf for stalking where it should not have been?
Then ..... worst of all.....the last memory the most precious..
my best friend, my grandfather, tears in his eyes of the last time i saw him... I tried my hardest not to beg. Take me with you. dont leave me here. dont let them take me... and he starts to cry. his voice shuddering as he speaks.
I'll always love you xxxxxx, even when I'm no longer here. You will be okay, I promise,
You are my granddaughter, nothing will ever change that...
my tears burn at the last flash of his face. worn and tired but ....
....by this time, im ready to go....
i soundlessly stare out into the open. the car door being pushed open with all my mighty force.I put my entire being , everything i am into that single movement and just like that i let it go, .... I dont need to say a word...so i stay silent, not a single whisper or a fraction of a word , because at this point words have no meaning, and then everything is gone, a blurr..... I only hear the cry of the wind as i leave the car and then see the shock and the scream of the girl who had been sitting beside me as the shadow of my body leaves the car...
The force of the air ripping me back
I dont think when i hit the pavement, everything's gone, just blank like ive been swallowed by a abyss , a place where there's no need for words, for memories or for anything..... my mind disconnects and my arms fold around me as i skid , im blank but now instead of feeling nothing like i have been for so long i feel EVERYTHING .... my body skidding over solid ground. the ripping and tearing of flesh and skin alike .... the pebbles and rocks digging into my pale skin, the air so sharp that it feels like its impaling me....and for the first time in a long time i feel it all.......my knees drag over the solid concrete....road. rocks... its so old and worn that the stone is raw...., my arms fold around me protectively . I think once, oh s**t,
but .....this is what i wanted
I feel bone of my chin rip against the mighty rock with full force tearing off skin....
and for a second i see a cars tires coming at me but they squeal in protest and swerve. close enough to have almost run over my arm and rip off part of my nail, this is not working out like i planned.....
By the time my body comes to a flesh ripping halt i go back to not feeling anything.... i cant feel anything..... i stare at the highway ... so never ending... a haze in the distance.....
out of one eye with a metallic coppery taste i had been craving.... against my lips. but i cant feel the cold metal against my neck ....I cant feel my legs. or my toes. I feel so tired.... so cold....so ******** cold.....but at peace because im alone...im alone now and im ready to let go....why am i still here?
.i can hear the waves and my heartbeat slowing.
The necklace is inches from me to my right, but i cant move. i cant reach. my hands are torn bloody....ripped. scraped. my wrist looks broken but i dont care. I want it... more then i want anything...
Why am i still alive.why can i still hear......., why am i still breathing and seeing...and remembering everything
memories flashing through my mind tormenting me.....
And then it comes. so searing like someone had taken a brand and stuck it through my entire body....., burning , seething agony ... and i cant breathe.
the driver screams my name desperately as she runs to me, she stands infront of me bravely deflecting a speeding pickup not bothering to stop and almost running both of us over.
Mom...I whimper...why dont u love me .....the tears are making my eyes blurr and my face burns from the cold...
but the driver isnt her .....but maybe a part of me wishes it was,
wished that she could see me , this broken crumpled and defeated thing....
Meagan you are going to be okay! talk to me! open your eyes please! xxxxxx! oh god she cries over and over, but god isnt answering her.....and the the other girls screaming horrified in the distance.i dont want to see them. i dont want to see anyone i want them to all go away and let me die in peace. i want them to leave. go away. go away....
the one who sat next to me crawls to me, to scared to touch my body her hands over over my face...i dont want her to touch me cause the tears are starting to form, like rivers in a desert, my face so dry and cold from the wind that it burns.....they are all screaming my name over and over.....there was a time when i would have given anything for someone to say my name... just my name and to look at me like she was ....but now i dont want anything.... i dont care...
im focused on the necklace. at the moment its all that matters.
she sees my eyes desperately seeking the shining metal in the distance, crawling to scoop it up in her fragile hands she delicately places the precious stone into my hand. closing my shredded fingers around it because i can no longer move. My vision is blurring. but this is all i wanted.. and im complete now.
xxxxxx she whispers. xxxxxx. she keeps saying my name and its almost like a lullaby . remembering once again.....when there was a time when i would have given anything and everything for someone to say that name, my name ..... i recoil ...which is a mistake... the fire creeps, and crawls up my veins and i scream mercilessly , writhing in agony as It crawls from my toes to my head.... I cant breath... but i can scream...
I scream blood curdling scream, like no other ive ever called, i screeched and rode the agony like a ride that would never stop....
.... I cant stop screaming because im so cold and it hurts so much. so much pain so much crimson, so much metallic..... find i cannot stop crying, all i can do is sobb and scream out no,no, no because im so angry. why am i not dead, why am i still here! im not supposed to be here! im supposed to die, let me go, im so tired of lingering!
why am i stuck here!?! in the road when it should have ended. my eyes are still open, im still breathing and seeing and hearing i hate it. i hate it so much. let me go. let me die here in the road. im not supposed to belong here. no one wanted me, theres no reason for me to stay
but im alive.
the driver tries to calm me because there is blood and pieces of my skin all over the road and i keep bleeding out.so much metallic, metallic, metallic, coppery taste metallic,..... so much crimson on the road forming behind my body...... and all i can do is scream because im so angry that I AM NOT DEAD that im STILL HERE! Im so very much so alive. and I hate every waking second i breathe. every waking site i can see and hear and move, and cry., weeping and sobbing.....
.
SO i do just what they told us not to.
I hold my breath..... i try to stop breathing... and i stare into the endless grey sky ....and try to stop thinking. Then ..there is nothing.... theres the grey sky....and that one bird thats flying to some destination unknown...and i want to go to...... thats where im going to go, im going to fly too....
////////////////////////////////////T H E //////W A K E ///////////////////////////////////////
There is more sirens, more flashing lights and more cars, more people and curious eyes, but dramatically, the rain is falling down on my face... the sun has set and the sky isnt grey.... its pale white... a white abyss and ive already drowned in it.... i watch the people...and the people are there to watch this broken girl open her eyes,
nurses are on the road with me its dark, the sky seems so endless , im not very happy that im awake, a few tears even sneak out without my permission.... im so empty and hollow.... then i notice the nurses lips moving as i focus on what she's trying to say....... Clear! shes breathing.... the sound is muffled and my eyes are blurring.....xxxxxx??? can u hear me? xxxxxx! say something! someone else keeps calling xxxxxx...... xxxxxx...xxxxxx...xxxxxx... like a chant....and it echos in my mind in the soundless night that waited disturbing the cobwebs that had formed......but i hate it. i hate it.i hate it so damn much.... i hate the sound. i hate the voice. I hate the name.
I HATE THE NAME.
1 year 6 months later....
real life seem so blank it was all but a blur to me. Moments passed , days passed weeks. and then months..... the hollowness blurred into a haze misting over in a forgotten abyss but in some way i was okay with that.... like a rain that never stopped life was a ebbing on like the sea with the continuous waves..... the screeching of the tires still haunted me, ever reminding me of the days of who i used to be, the sound of the wailing siren followed me to my dreams. I am no longer who I was, I am who i am today
I am rain..rainy..
and i have never been more happier to be alive.
I was lost in a world that had no meaning.... I wandered aimlessly. under grey and blue skies but my world seemed like black and white, I didn't care, ... about the air I breathed. The sound of the whispering trees or the people around me...they were all just shadows and I was a silhouette that barely lingered,.....I dont belong....... I had grown immune. to this empty existence, everything is so empty, so hollow so lonely...
days passed emptily, and i was this.... shell..... I knew the teachers were suspecting something...I knew that they knew in a way... one day i would not be in their class.... but everyone kept silent...everyone always keeps silent,.... i knew it was coming. I didn't know when, or how, but I would decide the time was right but I knew it was soon because I had lost all feeling left. After all, who cares about a 19 year old teen. My days were numbered.... the people around me had been blurred shadows for as long as what i could remember.... and i was just lingering in this world where i just never seemed to belong...
There are thousands of people in the world. Why should my existence be significant?
The pages in my journal had grown blank.
Words had left all meaning.
no taste...
no hunger...
sleep was the only salvation....
But when i wake it starts all over again....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But when the time came..... I remembered all the reasons that had lead up to it......the reasons............... why....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
all leading up to the moment......that i had hoped would be my last.
B E A U T I F U L D E A T H
I stared emptily at the window frame, not the glass .....just the frame that held it in place. not flawless but binding.... holding the glass in place , like all things need something to hold them in place. A sense of balance. Of being.
My nails caressed the handle. feeling the textured material.
All hope lost, and now, they win. Im tired of fighting and its okay now. Because I've waited so long. and I've fought so hard. I'm so tired of fighting.I'm ready now..... to let it all go, to let it go.... and....slip away...to fade away into nothing... Ive been fading this entire time and no one saw it..besides me.....
how could they be so blind.....
I've waited a long time.....since as far back as I can remember this is what ive always wanted.....to just let it go. to feel the wind rush around me just one last time. I've felt so hollow for so long maybe just in the last moment something might change... maybe ill feel something just this once.
I promised myself i would .....and I promised I would. I promised myself is all i can think, because the tears are streaming down my face. Knowing of what I'm leaving behind. Of what I could be leaving behind.
But its okay....because now im ready. I can feel the car shift gears and i look out into the valiant lake Michigan with all its glory and close my eyes, only for a second to remember the things that meant the most to me.
All the beautiful memories, burning the bridges to my existence, burning me out, causing me to fade... i want to fade, fade into nothing like everything else, in this moment i am nothing... but i remember the things that made me something. someone.
and when there was him......first time he told me he loved me the way he looked into my eyes and made me believe i was actually someone. something to him that meant more then dust on a window sill...but im just me. nothing more then that. and nothing will change it. I know that now....
Then i remember
The first time I wrote a journal entry, how angry i was... that the pages i tore through and when i stopped writing. Because all i could do was pretend things were not happening. that Everything was okay. that im normal like everyone else. but i never have been. and i never will be....and now i dont want to be. I dont want to be normal. i dont want to be anything.
then........
The memories of the open field where the breeze shifted and the trees whispered ...the crickets crooned.... and there was silence.... where i would go and sit and cry so no one could hear my screams of anger and fury for my father abandoning me, and the many betrayals of my family my so called mother,
Then the angry memory....
.......my step dad....
When he said he would kill us, me and my mother. slit our throats and no one would ever find us....
I should have told him i would be glad if he did. So i could haunt his life every waking moment, of every hour, ever second of every waking day. Every for the rest of his life...Because i would
my mom...
she told me that everything was my fault.
But we both knew it was hers she just couldn't cope with the fact the man she loved had raped her oldest daughter, my sister. SO whose fault was it? the Predator or the prey?
was it the Lamb that wandered into the forest. or the wolf for stalking where it should not have been?
Then ..... worst of all.....the last memory the most precious..
my best friend, my grandfather, tears in his eyes of the last time i saw him... I tried my hardest not to beg. Take me with you. dont leave me here. dont let them take me... and he starts to cry. his voice shuddering as he speaks.
I'll always love you xxxxxx, even when I'm no longer here. You will be okay, I promise,
You are my granddaughter, nothing will ever change that...
my tears burn at the last flash of his face. worn and tired but ....
....by this time, im ready to go....
i soundlessly stare out into the open. the car door being pushed open with all my mighty force.I put my entire being , everything i am into that single movement and just like that i let it go, .... I dont need to say a word...so i stay silent, not a single whisper or a fraction of a word , because at this point words have no meaning, and then everything is gone, a blurr..... I only hear the cry of the wind as i leave the car and then see the shock and the scream of the girl who had been sitting beside me as the shadow of my body leaves the car...
The force of the air ripping me back
I dont think when i hit the pavement, everything's gone, just blank like ive been swallowed by a abyss , a place where there's no need for words, for memories or for anything..... my mind disconnects and my arms fold around me as i skid , im blank but now instead of feeling nothing like i have been for so long i feel EVERYTHING .... my body skidding over solid ground. the ripping and tearing of flesh and skin alike .... the pebbles and rocks digging into my pale skin, the air so sharp that it feels like its impaling me....and for the first time in a long time i feel it all.......my knees drag over the solid concrete....road. rocks... its so old and worn that the stone is raw...., my arms fold around me protectively . I think once, oh s**t,
but .....this is what i wanted
I feel bone of my chin rip against the mighty rock with full force tearing off skin....
and for a second i see a cars tires coming at me but they squeal in protest and swerve. close enough to have almost run over my arm and rip off part of my nail, this is not working out like i planned.....
By the time my body comes to a flesh ripping halt i go back to not feeling anything.... i cant feel anything..... i stare at the highway ... so never ending... a haze in the distance.....
out of one eye with a metallic coppery taste i had been craving.... against my lips. but i cant feel the cold metal against my neck ....I cant feel my legs. or my toes. I feel so tired.... so cold....so ******** cold.....but at peace because im alone...im alone now and im ready to let go....why am i still here?
.i can hear the waves and my heartbeat slowing.
The necklace is inches from me to my right, but i cant move. i cant reach. my hands are torn bloody....ripped. scraped. my wrist looks broken but i dont care. I want it... more then i want anything...
Why am i still alive.why can i still hear......., why am i still breathing and seeing...and remembering everything
memories flashing through my mind tormenting me.....
And then it comes. so searing like someone had taken a brand and stuck it through my entire body....., burning , seething agony ... and i cant breathe.
the driver screams my name desperately as she runs to me, she stands infront of me bravely deflecting a speeding pickup not bothering to stop and almost running both of us over.
Mom...I whimper...why dont u love me .....the tears are making my eyes blurr and my face burns from the cold...
but the driver isnt her .....but maybe a part of me wishes it was,
wished that she could see me , this broken crumpled and defeated thing....
Meagan you are going to be okay! talk to me! open your eyes please! xxxxxx! oh god she cries over and over, but god isnt answering her.....and the the other girls screaming horrified in the distance.i dont want to see them. i dont want to see anyone i want them to all go away and let me die in peace. i want them to leave. go away. go away....
the one who sat next to me crawls to me, to scared to touch my body her hands over over my face...i dont want her to touch me cause the tears are starting to form, like rivers in a desert, my face so dry and cold from the wind that it burns.....they are all screaming my name over and over.....there was a time when i would have given anything for someone to say my name... just my name and to look at me like she was ....but now i dont want anything.... i dont care...
im focused on the necklace. at the moment its all that matters.
she sees my eyes desperately seeking the shining metal in the distance, crawling to scoop it up in her fragile hands she delicately places the precious stone into my hand. closing my shredded fingers around it because i can no longer move. My vision is blurring. but this is all i wanted.. and im complete now.
xxxxxx she whispers. xxxxxx. she keeps saying my name and its almost like a lullaby . remembering once again.....when there was a time when i would have given anything and everything for someone to say that name, my name ..... i recoil ...which is a mistake... the fire creeps, and crawls up my veins and i scream mercilessly , writhing in agony as It crawls from my toes to my head.... I cant breath... but i can scream...
I scream blood curdling scream, like no other ive ever called, i screeched and rode the agony like a ride that would never stop....
.... I cant stop screaming because im so cold and it hurts so much. so much pain so much crimson, so much metallic..... find i cannot stop crying, all i can do is sobb and scream out no,no, no because im so angry. why am i not dead, why am i still here! im not supposed to be here! im supposed to die, let me go, im so tired of lingering!
why am i stuck here!?! in the road when it should have ended. my eyes are still open, im still breathing and seeing and hearing i hate it. i hate it so much. let me go. let me die here in the road. im not supposed to belong here. no one wanted me, theres no reason for me to stay
but im alive.
the driver tries to calm me because there is blood and pieces of my skin all over the road and i keep bleeding out.so much metallic, metallic, metallic, coppery taste metallic,..... so much crimson on the road forming behind my body...... and all i can do is scream because im so angry that I AM NOT DEAD that im STILL HERE! Im so very much so alive. and I hate every waking second i breathe. every waking site i can see and hear and move, and cry., weeping and sobbing.....
.
SO i do just what they told us not to.
I hold my breath..... i try to stop breathing... and i stare into the endless grey sky ....and try to stop thinking. Then ..there is nothing.... theres the grey sky....and that one bird thats flying to some destination unknown...and i want to go to...... thats where im going to go, im going to fly too....
////////////////////////////////////T H E //////W A K E ///////////////////////////////////////
There is more sirens, more flashing lights and more cars, more people and curious eyes, but dramatically, the rain is falling down on my face... the sun has set and the sky isnt grey.... its pale white... a white abyss and ive already drowned in it.... i watch the people...and the people are there to watch this broken girl open her eyes,
nurses are on the road with me its dark, the sky seems so endless , im not very happy that im awake, a few tears even sneak out without my permission.... im so empty and hollow.... then i notice the nurses lips moving as i focus on what she's trying to say....... Clear! shes breathing.... the sound is muffled and my eyes are blurring.....xxxxxx??? can u hear me? xxxxxx! say something! someone else keeps calling xxxxxx...... xxxxxx...xxxxxx...xxxxxx... like a chant....and it echos in my mind in the soundless night that waited disturbing the cobwebs that had formed......but i hate it. i hate it.i hate it so damn much.... i hate the sound. i hate the voice. I hate the name.
I HATE THE NAME.
1 year 6 months later....
real life seem so blank it was all but a blur to me. Moments passed , days passed weeks. and then months..... the hollowness blurred into a haze misting over in a forgotten abyss but in some way i was okay with that.... like a rain that never stopped life was a ebbing on like the sea with the continuous waves..... the screeching of the tires still haunted me, ever reminding me of the days of who i used to be, the sound of the wailing siren followed me to my dreams. I am no longer who I was, I am who i am today
I am rain..rainy..
and i have never been more happier to be alive.