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......I wanna find out if my lyrics/poems are any good...and I'm kinda shy....please be kind to me crying redface Also, a lot of them are in snippets because I couldn't find the words to finish them, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.
~~~~
Alleviate this dark passion,
Turn me away from this black magic
I can feel it writhing inside
Icy cold fingers wrapped around my heart,
Boiling hot hands tearing me in half
Dissolving me and handing my body over to this demon,
This inner beast,
This monster inside my mind
Set me free tonight
Give me just one moment of being myself again
Let me breath
Just one last time
I’m self-destructing,
Turning myself over to this fiend
Allowing it to breathe,
Finding its room inside my cold,
Black heart
Initiating the age-old story today
Letting it out and locking myself in
Because I’m doomed anyways
It’s always there
Lurking beneath my every thought
So after we have a few minutes
I’ll open the door and feel it’s hungry teeth devour my skin
~~~
The perfect smile,
Perfect hair,
That’s what it’s all about.
Get your day of fame,
Then get out
~~~
Frozen tears
Shattering before they’re shed
Broken shards
Pressing into my brain
I’m going numb
I’m falling apart
Before I start
I’m letting myself go and
Hittin’ my all-time low
~~~
I fall towards the end
Am I dying?
Spiraling towards the final apocalypse
The last moments
My last breath
The final song
~~~
I’m turning over a new page
And ripping out the rest
Tryin’ to hide myself from
What I thought I knew best
~~~
I could write a hundred songs
To try to make you understand
And I would say three million words
Just to get you to hold my hand
This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be
I’m not me without you
I’m done trying it,
No way of denying it
~~~
So, whataya think? Comment? Rate? Message? Friend me? Please be kind? redface
Edmund_Gallows's avatar

Dapper Lover

I think you either have a wonderful start, or you just need to spit and polish. I'm not much of a lyric or poetry writer, but while learning how to do story writing, I've done some time with poetry. So I hope I'm of some help.

That first snippet is really interesting, it's attention grabbing, but it's either really vague or I'm just not getting what you're going at. Vague isn't always bad, and I'm not sure if it will work well or not until you put it to music, assuming that this is meant to be a song, because it sounds like it could be.

The third snippet is awesome, I think it could work all by itself as a poem. You may want to read it out loud and see how it sounds yourself, poetry and lyrics is a auditory thing. If it doesn't sound good to you out loud, then it isn't.

I don't think there's enough of the rest for me to say anything about the individual pieces, but you have something here. You just need a little more self confidence, I mean, at least you're coming off as someone that needs more self confidence. The more self confident you are, the more driven you'll be to write more, and get better. You want people to read and comment on your pieces, and you'll learn what you do wrong, and what you need to work on. And you can't be afraid of someone tearing you down. You're good, you just need to work on it to make something fantastic.

And again, that third snippet, Frozen Tears, honestly, it strikes me as a little teen-suicidey, or something of the sort, but it has an awesome little ending that made up for it, and creates this nice little pocket of emotion. I really, really, liked it.
I don't think your poems are bad, but at the same time I'm not too familiar with poetry and tend to have a hard time understanding any deeper meanings that may be present. Therefore, I can't honestly offer any constructive criticism or advice on it.

However, I do think you post your poetry in the original poetry/lyrics sub-forum next time. It's a forum specializing in poetry so you're likely to get a lot more helpful reads from there. The sub forums are listed at the top of the forum. (The rules will also tell you what stuff goes where and have links to all the sub forums. Might want to check it out.)

And don't be afraid of criticism. Not everyone is going to play nice, even if you ask them to. All I can say is take what advice is offered to you to heart, no matter how harsh it sounds, and don't let anyone get you discouraged from doing what you love. Good luck on your writing!
XxSabaku_no_KiraxX's avatar

Beloved Noob

I think its cool, and hey, Im trying to sing it in a tune of some sort. So you should be proud of yourself, and maybe go through a revise/edit to see if you want to change anything, so...... Yeah, Im done.
eden-of-mine's avatar

Questionable Prophet

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The writing itself isn't bad, but there are a lot of cliched themes and phrases. Try focusing less on the imagery and instead start with a complex meaning, using imagery and wordplay to get the message across more subtly.
I think you are good biggrin I thought it was actually very pretty the way you wrote that
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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while you certainly have imagery, I'm lost instantly about emotion.

'Dark passion'? How is it dark? If it's passion why are the images about nothing but pain?

Who is this person and what's really happening? Is it a person?

Frankly, it sounds like someone who doesn't like his experience with cenobites.
First of all, I'd like to say your ideas are great. And I really don't think having clichés is bad for a beginner ig you think it helps you get your point across - they're popular for a reason. The thing I noticed that was a little bit lacking in your poetry is the scansion... some lines have too many syllables, and if this looked like a style thing, I wouldn't mention it, but it's not constant, it just seems random. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like you couldn't get enough across with a set number of syllables - that's fine, especially because you're writing in free verse, but you need to make the number of syllables fit, even if they're not the same as the numbers in previous lines or stanzas.

Basically, work on your rhythm, and rhyme doesn't hurt once in a while 4laugh
cyanideflavoredlove's avatar

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Alleviate this dark passion,
Turn me away from this black magic
I can feel it writhing inside
Icy cold fingers wrapped around my heart,
Boiling hot hands tearing me in half
Dissolving me and handing my body over to this demon,
This inner beast,
This monster inside my mind
Set me free tonight
Give me just one moment of being myself again
Let me breath
Just one last time
I’m self-destructing,
Turning myself over to this fiend
Allowing it to breathe,
Finding its room inside my cold,
Black heart
Initiating the age-old story today
Letting it out and locking myself in
Because I’m doomed anyways
It’s always there
Lurking beneath my every thought
So after we have a few minutes
I’ll open the door and feel it’s hungry teeth devour my skin

This is by far your best work from what I've seen you have a great talent with words and you just need a little polish. Which is very common try writing something get it to where you like it and then don't read it for a week then if you still like it great if not make a few changes. Below are some changes I would make just to give you and idea. It's not the only way to do it. Mostly you should focus on polishing your work and giving it some sort of flow or rhythm.

Alleviate this dark passion,
Help me turn away from this black magic.
As I feel it writhe inside
Ice cold fingers wrap around my heart,
Searing hands tearing me apart
Dissolving my soul,
and handing my body unto this demon,
This inner beast,
This monster that is my mind

Set me free tonight
Give me just one moment of myself again
Let me breathe
Just one last breath
I’m self-destructing,
Giving into this fiend
Allowing it to breathe,
Finding its space in my cold,
Black heart
Initiate this age-old story today
Let it out and lock myself away.

It’s always there,
Lurking,
beneath my every thought
So after we've had our time
I’ll open this door.
Let us feel it’s teeth devour,
my cold and soulless skin.
MyKitKat18's avatar

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iamtheanimegirl
......I wanna find out if my lyrics/poems are any good...and I'm kinda shy....please be kind to me crying redface Also, a lot of them are in snippets because I couldn't find the words to finish them, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.
~~~~
Alleviate this dark passion,
Turn me away from this black magic
I can feel it writhing inside
Icy cold fingers wrapped around my heart,
Boiling hot hands tearing me in half
Dissolving me and handing my body over to this demon,
This inner beast,
This monster inside my mind
Set me free tonight
Give me just one moment of being myself again
Let me breath
Just one last time
I’m self-destructing,
Turning myself over to this fiend
Allowing it to breathe,
Finding its room inside my cold,
Black heart
Initiating the age-old story today
Letting it out and locking myself in
Because I’m doomed anyways
It’s always there
Lurking beneath my every thought
So after we have a few minutes
I’ll open the door and feel it’s hungry teeth devour my skin
~~~
The perfect smile,
Perfect hair,
That’s what it’s all about.
Get your day of fame,
Then get out
~~~
Frozen tears
Shattering before they’re shed
Broken shards
Pressing into my brain
I’m going numb
I’m falling apart
Before I start
I’m letting myself go and
Hittin’ my all-time low
~~~
I fall towards the end
Am I dying?
Spiraling towards the final apocalypse
The last moments
My last breath
The final song
~~~
I’m turning over a new page
And ripping out the rest
Tryin’ to hide myself from
What I thought I knew best
~~~
I could write a hundred songs
To try to make you understand
And I would say three million words
Just to get you to hold my hand
This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be
I’m not me without you
I’m done trying it,
No way of denying it
~~~
So, whataya think? Comment? Rate? Message? Friend me? Please be kind? redface


I loved them. They're pretty deep and real. I'm a poet myself. You're not bad practice always helps improve so just keep working at it. It'll flow out of you in time.

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