Abstract poem/ start of a new book?

what is your honest opinion

Good!	50.0%	[ 2 ]
Its okay.	25.0%	[ 1 ]
That sucked.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
You have problems.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
You should get run over by a truck for this disgrace to poetry.	25.0%	[ 1 ]
Total Votes:			[ 4 ]

[Azure Cinder]

Got a burst of creativity... this is what happened... lets see if it goes anywhere


I used to think that nightmares only happened in your sleep.

I was blind to the truth of the world.

I was blind to the pain, and the misery, and the sorrow.

And then one day, I lost my sister.

And suddenly, I could see.

[potaterprincess]

It's kinda like free verse. You should on it.

[GH0ULFRIEND]

Azure Cinder

I used to think that nightmares only happened in your sleep.

I was blind to the truth of the world.

I was blind to the pain, and the misery, and the sorrow.

And then one day, I lost my sister.

And suddenly, I could see.

Nice! I could see this as being like a blurb on the inside cover/back of a book. I'd be interested to hear what other plot you might have developed revolving around this same theme.

Your repetition of "I was blind" kinda grated on my nerves a little. I think if you revised it to something like "I was blind to the truth of the world;/The pain... the misery... and the sorrow..." it would be better. Ellipses optional, I just thought drawing those parts out a little bit made it feel a bit more emotional/dramatic. Otherwise, this is quite good! Keep at it!

[Azure Cinder]

Sinister Obsession

Azure Cinder

I used to think that nightmares only happened in your sleep.

I was blind to the truth of the world.

I was blind to the pain, and the misery, and the sorrow.

And then one day, I lost my sister.

And suddenly, I could see.

Nice! I could see this as being like a blurb on the inside cover/back of a book. I'd be interested to hear what other plot you might have developed revolving around this same theme.

Your repetition of "I was blind" kinda grated on my nerves a little. I think if you revised it to something like "I was blind to the truth of the world;/The pain... the misery... and the sorrow..." it would be better. Ellipses optional, I just thought drawing those parts out a little bit made it feel a bit more emotional/dramatic. Otherwise, this is quite good! Keep at it!

Thanks! so a little more like this?

I used to think that nightmares only happened in your sleep.

I was blind to the truth of the world.

The pain, misery, and sorrow.

And then one day, I lost my sister.

And suddenly, I could see.

[GH0ULFRIEND]

Azure Cinder

Thanks! so a little more like this?

I used to think that nightmares only happened in your sleep.

I was blind to the truth of the world.

The pain, misery, and sorrow.

And then one day, I lost my sister.

And suddenly, I could see.

Yeah! I think that sounds a lot better!

[Azure Cinder]

Sinister Obsession

Azure Cinder

Thanks! so a little more like this?

I used to think that nightmares only happened in your sleep.

I was blind to the truth of the world.

The pain, misery, and sorrow.

And then one day, I lost my sister.

And suddenly, I could see.

Yeah! I think that sounds a lot better!

Im glad!