A poem I wrote, any critiques or anything?

[catburn0238]

Darkness ~ W.A.M

Sometimes I stare into darkness
Hoping to find what’s been lost
Searching all through the ashes
I cannot but try to pay the costs
The words that have been spoken
These things cannot be undone
I focused on the wrong things
Now all I can do is run.


Soon enough I’ll give up
If I could just lay here
Waste my time away
Maybe these memories will disappear
Erase them from my mind
If I could forget this love
The pain it left behind
And release it like a dove


Nothing seems to change
I walk a lonely road
Only my shadow as company
I can’t seem to break the code
Maybe it is a secret
Never meant to be broken
This darkness doesn’t seem so lonely
I’ll keep this as a token


Still my mind wanders
Staring into this abyss
I wonder and think
Waiting for that kiss
Blood dries and flakes away
All these simple scars
I seem to forget
As this darkness turns into stars

[Turnilk]

I am really not good at critiquing poems, but I wanted to point out a few things:

1] Some of the rhymes are odd, "lost" and "costs" in the first paragraph, for example.
2] I know that poem punctuation can be different than non-poem punctuation sometimes, but it still needs it. At the moment, it seems like one giant run on sentence neutral (EDIT: My mistake, you have one period in there. Still not enough punctuation though.)

For a more detailed critique, you'll have to wait and hope for someone who is better when it comes to poems. Good luck.

[x-OhhKaty]

Hi there, I haven't given critique on a poem in a while. But I am good because in the past I have been a poem writer myself.
In my honest opinion I think the poem spoke truth,inner darkness thought's.
That is the whole point the whole essense of a poem. To touch the inner thoughts and technically projected into words as much as possible you can get specific.
That piece of poetry has been one of the best poem's I have seen in a long time. It goes into dark thought's inner thoughts. The rhyming also enhances the poem as more efficently as a edicate professional poem with the whole concept of the piece of writing.

I enjoyed this piece of writing if you would like any critique on any morepieces of poems, stories anything im free to help!
Try go into your heart and thoughts maybe that tiny bit deeper? Or go into a more specific genre of a point to the poem? That's the only critique I have to share. Besides that on the piece your good to go! ^^

~Sincerly hope I have helped you, Asta laviva'

X]

[Faedream]

I appreciate the message that you're trying to convey through this poem. My major piece of advice to you would be to use language more specific to you. Words such as "abyss" and "darkness" are fairly generic and vague which causes them to lose their meaning. Try and rethink what it is that you and trying to say and what specific imagery it brings up. Maybe there's a particular incident, place, or person connected to these feelings. Basically, bring the focus more inward until the poem can only have been written by you.

[catburn0238]

Thanks! I'll think about all this and try again/rewrite! biggrin