a poem C+C, also need a name! | Page 1 | Forum

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starcrossed17

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Post: 4709630_1 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:16:05 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:16:05 +0000

Alone in the dark
A tear hits the carpet
A vulnerable little girl
Such a perfect target

Shambles of a heart,
laying on the floor,
each piece hides a story,
of their personal war

So much misery
So much pain
Slowly drowing
In this crimson rain

All she wants,
is for just one night
for him to be thinking of her,
And holding her tight.

Just a friend,
he will always be.
The knife in her heart,
he just cant see.

Alone in the dark,
she lets out a scream
A vulnerable little girl,
Corrupted by a pitiful dream…

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was gonna name it vulnerable little girl but i dont like that...plz help!!

evensong_darkcry

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Post: 4709630_2 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:26:59 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:26:59 +0000

Wow, pointed much? lol. Most of it is good, but a couple of the stanzas have messed up rhythms....As for the name, try something simple, like just one word of the poem that strikes you as the most important and defining concept.

The Plus

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Post: 4709630_3 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:27:47 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:27:47 +0000

a simple name might be Alone, i usually just pick a few words from the poem and thats my title. i realli like it

starcrossed17

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Post: 4709630_4 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:31:17 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:31:17 +0000

how about vulnerable...and thanx xd

evensong_darkcry

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Post: 4709630_5 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:33:20 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:33:20 +0000

Are you STILL not over that piece of sh*t? lol. jk. Ummmmm....yeah.....anything else you need help on?

starcrossed17

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Post: 4709630_6 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:35:19 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:35:19 +0000

i never said it was about ne one even song dont jump to conclusions...

evensong_darkcry

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Post: 4709630_7 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:36:05 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:36:05 +0000

Alright then, fine.

starcrossed17

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Post: 4709630_8 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:39:35 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:39:35 +0000

hesse_incarnate

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Post: 4709630_9 created on Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:40:03 +0000
Posted: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 01:40:03 +0000

It didn't jump out at me....it's not that it's bad, there's just been so much of this on the market lately I can kind of predict what will happen next.