Mental-Neko Master
I chose an entire paragraph, my favorite paragraph that I wrote today...perhaps my favorite...I'm not really sure, it was kind of the first that I read...but I liked it so I figured I would post it for you. I would greatly appreciate criticism.
"He turned around, carefully looking about his room as he stepped forward, carefully sliding his hand against the silken embroidery of his couch. He wore a designer onyx suit, that seemed to gleam in the soft glow of the room as he allowed himself to fall downward to the nurturing comfort of the soft couch below. Crossing his right leg over his left thigh as he laid back, relaxing his head against the comfortable couch cushions, carefully taking in the ambiance of the massive apartment. The furniture had calming colors, yet each and every aspect of the room clung to the slight tinge of modernity."
Criticism? Here's the weakest point I see: "relaxing his head against the comfortable couch cushions,"
While the alliteration might seem good, the frequency of use of the word "couch" is distracting. This is the best place to drop the count that I can see, because what other cushions are on a couch?
Also, a question that may be answered by context but seems off to me here: "He turned around, carefully looking about his room..." He's turning, but stepping forward? To me - and this one is just me, I know - "turning around" means turning 180. So I see this person looking at the room, then turning around to the couch...and somehow stepping forward. The next sentence suggests the opposite, that of him facing the couch (why? Missing context, I'm guessing) then turning to the room (which makes sense given my interpretation). Simply turning (without "around" ) gives me more of a panoramic mental image.
I'd also replace the second "carefully" with "gently" or some similar word.
You don't need the comma after "designer onyx suit" <- Sorry, grammatical nitpicking.
xp Alternatively, I think you could replace "that" with "which" and keep the comma if you're attached to it.
"Crossing his right leg over his left thigh as he laid back, relaxing his head against the comfortable couch cushions, carefully taking in the ambiance of the massive apartment."
Read that isolated from the rest.
It does a good job conveying the scene, but...(saw it coming, did ya?) it's three sentence fragments. I think a simple "he relaxed" would fix it, but that may not be how you want to.
I also think you can rephrase the last sentence to be stronger. "The furniture's calming colors brought forth each and every aspect of the room as it clung to a slight tinge of modernity." Except that isn't what you mean, and the word "it" there isn't clear as to whether the room or the furniture is the antecedent.
Aha, figured it out. The word "yet" is out of place there, a harsh sound juxtapositioned next to the soft sounds of a room that seeks to sooth.
Here's the rewrite with my criticisms:
"He turned, carefully looking about his room as he stepped forward, gently sliding his hand against the silken embroidery of his couch. He wore a designer onyx suit that seemed to gleam in the soft glow of the room as he allowed himself to fall downward to the nurturing comfort of the soft couch below. Crossing his right leg over his left thigh as he laid back, he relaxed his head against the comfortable cushions, carefully taking in the ambiance of the massive apartment. The furniture's calming colors brought forth each and every aspect of the room as it clung to the slight tinge of modernity."
That being said, your imagery is solid and well written to the point I have a mental image of the guy (and the room) without you even describing him (or the rest of the room). Kudos.
If I could remember a scene/portion/description off the top of my head that I wanted help on, I'd post it for return fire, but unfortunately, I can't. So, I'll do it when I get to another one.