Welcome to Gaia! :: Posts By User Unknown User | Forum

There once was a young girl who thought
she'd capture the moon in a pot
and make a moon stew
and then let it brew
if only the moon could be caught!

Do you want critique?

*ahem*..
I said feel free to fling some more critique at me!

I edited!
So..Feel free to fling some more critique at me!

Thanks so much Viewer! (:
I'll work on those little things!

Hey, my toe still hurts. Where's my CC?

Yeah.

And somehow this thread got all messed up and I deleted my first post, which I didn't know was possible..Anways, here's teh edited version of the poem.


Hmm..Maybe I need to acquire more injuries if I want critique..

Edits: 1

As Seen on TV

No, I never liked
the sound of unmelodic tin
hearts, mechanical and frigid
grating against the inside
of your mouth.
No.

So sure you cast aside roses
blooming from your skin and
raven feathers spilling from your
gritted teeth and tried to play
the broken strings of a corpse,
but your melted honey voice remains permanently
gray and the gasoline residue in your gums
is one of those things I can't blink out
of sight,

because I’ll never care
for cigarette kisses,
gravel scraping smiles
and flimsy paper valentines. No,
you're a crushed shell and your
sun's flown away.

@meximule: I guess you're right. Everything that says "wrists" apparently comes out "emo", so I'll try to stop using it altogether. Thanks for taking the time to give some suggestions!

@Llama: I agree with everything you said and I realize there's too much wrong with this poem-like thing to salvage it and I'm not feeling super motivated. I'll make sure to avoid those issues in the future, though. Thanks!