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This week's big news:

• New evolving item: Dander!
  
• The scandalous final evolution of Alruna's Rose!
  
• The insane completion of the ghastly Furugasa!
  
• Alruna and Furugasa are leaving the Cash Shop on September 2nd.
  
• Padmavati's Lotus, Picolitrosso's Urn and Gro-Gain are evolving!
  
• Dr. Singh continues her secret undercover effort to infiltrate the strange world of smooth jazz!

Read on, dear friends, for our full Evolving Item Report!

Dr. Singh: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to another exciting edition of the Evolving Item Report (...and Smooth Jazz Countdown). I'm Dr. Singh, and this is my co-host, Timmy. Also with us-- again-- is Timmy's faithful hanger-on, Labtech Gene. Well, Timmy, you're looking spiffy today! Is that a new haircut?

Timmy: Spiffy? Please, babe. I paid more for this haircut than you make in a year. T-Bone treats himself right.

Dr. Singh: How... impressive. Anyway, we've got some big, big news: Alruna's Rose, one of Gaia's most incredible premium items, is finishing its evolution this week! It's always been quite a daring little number, but the extraordinary, seductive final poses must be seen to be believed. Yowza!

Timmy: Pass one down here, Doc. Gotta get a look at this.

Dr. Singh: Timmy, you may be some kind of a rich "businessman" now, but you're still a child, and I don't think you should be around this sort of item.


Labtech Gene: Nobody talks to T-Bone like that! He runs this town!


Dr. Singh: Nevertheless, he'll just have to wait a few years. Those of you who are slightly more mature can still pick up later generations of Alruna's Rose in the Gaia Cash Shop for a limited time, but they'll be leaving the shop on September 2nd!

And it gets even crazier, too: Furugasa, the ghostly umbrella that nearly scared Timmy to death during his brush with insanity, is also reaching its final stage this week! It contains a huge number of bizarre and frightening poses... lucky owners of first-generation Furugasas will just have to see for themselves. If you want in on the creepiness, you'd better act quick: the Furugasa is also leaving the Cash Shop on September 2nd.

Timmy: You're mistaken, babe. Nothing scares T-Bone.

Dr. Singh: More big news this week: as Flynn announced on Tuesday, we've got a brand-new, first-generation evolving item available now in the Cash Shop! Dander may look like a little ball of dust, but my projections indicate that it'll keep picking up stray lint until it grows into something quite special.

And as if that weren't enough excitement for one week, we've also got four more items evolving! Padmavati's Lotus is taking a rather alarming reptilian form, and Picolitrosso's Urn, one of our more mysterious evolving items, is continuing its strange journey.

Timmy: Is that it, sugarhorse? Smooth jazz awaits.

Dr. Singh: Actually, not quite... one of the strangest evolving items out there is undergoing its first evolution this week, and I have to say I'm a bit baffled as to what it might become. Gro-Gain seems to be a hair-growth chemical that never hit the mass market, but all my attempts to find information on it have turned up dead ends. There seems to be a G-Corp logo etched into the bottle under the label, but I can't find any history of--


Labtech Gene: Well, better give up, babe. If there's nothing to find, there's nothing to find. Might as well stop looking, right, T-Bone?

Timmy: Yeah, LG is right, Doc. Might as well not snoop into things that don't concern you, dig?

Dr. Singh: If you say so... anyway, you can get all these incredible items now, including Alruna's Rose and the brand-new Dander, in the Gaia Cash Shop!

Timmy: Bravo, doll. Forget all that stuff people say about how it's "boring" and "worthless," I personally think your science junk is one of the minor highlights of this program. Sure, it's not quite as exciting and dynamic as the Smooth Jazz Countdown, but it does have a certain je ne sais quoi...

Dr. Singh: Well... thanks, Timmy.

Timmy: In fact, you do such sharp work around here that I want to give you a shot at the major leagues. Think you're ready to step up to the plate, babe?

Dr. Singh: How do you mean?

Timmy: Since you've been adapting so well to the Smooth Jazz game-- love the beard, by the way-- I thought you might like to lead the countdown this week.

Labtech Gene: But... but, boss!

Timmy: Mellow out, LG. You'll get your shot someday. Today, I thought we'd celebrate the oft-forgotten abilities of the world of ladies. What do you say, Doc? Think you've got it in you?

Dr. Singh: I'd be honored... do you happen to have the list?


Labtech Gene: See, T-Bone? She doesn't even know the top five!

Timmy: Got it right here, doll. Work the magic. I'll handle the appreciative comments.

Dr. Singh: OK, at number five this week, we've got the drowsy piano magic of Ken Bland's "Plains of Euphoria," featuring a sizzling slap-bass interlude by Omar Sexton!

Timmy: Awwwww yeah!

Dr. Singh: Rocketing up the charts to number four: beloved new-age songstress Enga dabbles in the tepid smooth jazz bathtub with her crossover hit, "Dreamchant Elfcrap."

Timmy: I can-- and shall-- dig it.

Dr. Singh: Falling to number three this week, Royce Breeze's "Hillbilly Handshake." Could this piano hoedown be a mere flash in the pan for the legendary artiste?

Timmy: Never, baby. Royce Breeze is a certified genius.

Dr. Singh: Raoul Champagne moves up from the number three spot to claim this week's silver medal with the seductive oboe interplay of "Felt a Thing Happen (Ooh Yeah Baby Ouch)."

Timmy: Glad to see this one return. I am a man who digs an oboe. How about you, LG?

Labtech Gene: Yeaaaaaah. The oboe gets me in the mood to recline and be fed grapes by a fine lady in a toga.


Dr. Singh: *Shudder*... An amazing coup for number one this week: smooth jazz superstar Cassius LaFontaine is back with yet another single! How does he keep coming up with this stuff? This week, he gets the airwaves boiling with "Sensual Experimentation in Love Jail."

Timmy: Diiiiiiiiig. Excellent job, babe. That beard is really coming in nicely. I think you're almost ready to experience... the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle.

Dr. Singh: Wow, Timmy, I can't wait. What exactly is the "Smooth Jazz Lifestyle," anyway?

Timmy: All in good time, angelface. You did good this week, so you'll find out soon enough. For now, you'd better run along-- Gene and I have some stuff to talk about. Business stuff. Ladies wouldn't be interested.

Dr. Singh: Whatever you say, Timmy. Looks like that's all the time we have this week, folks! I've got to get going now, but you can always leave us your feedback on this batch of evolutions in our weekly poll thread. Ciao!

Timmy: LG, we need to talk.

Labtech Gene: What is it, T-Bone? Are you mad at me or something? Please, boss, I can't take it! You know I'd do anything for you!

Timmy: I'm just gonna come out and say it, man: you gotta ease up. You're using too much.

Labtech Gene: It's cool, T-Bone, I got it under control. Plus, the Tenets of the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle say--

Timmy: Don't you tell me about the Tenets of the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle! Just look at yourself, Large, you're twitching and sprouting like a fiend. Just be cool. Lay off the 'Gain for a few days, huh?

Labtech Gene: You got it, boss. I can stop whenever I want. I'll start slowing it down tomorrow. Just gotta get one more hit first, just to keep me going.

Timmy: Get yourself together, LG. We've got important work to do.

This week's big news:

• Brand new evolving item: Gimpi!
  
• Death Whisper, Inari's Beads, Enchanted Book and Yama No Tamago evolve.
  
• Dionaesil will leave the Cash Shop on August 19th.
  
• The terrible saga of Timmy continues with more smooth jazz!

Read on, dear friends, for our full Evolving Item Report!

Timmy: I'm rushing, LG. Gotta cool down a little. Doc's gonna be here soon, and she can't know about my business. We gotta be careful, you dig? When the Doc's here, when those cameras roll, we're all about smooth jazz. No business. We're just a couple of hep dudes who happen to be living well. The Doc doesn't need to know where the money comes from, you feel me?

Labtech Gene: I got it, T-Bone. I won't mention what we did with Ri--

Timmy: Cool it, the Doc's coming. Beards up, Large, time to be a star. You ready to be somebody?

Dr. Singh: Timmy? Gene? Are you guys in there?

Timmy: Right in here, babe. You ready to roll? Let's get your science jive out of the way tout de suite, sugar. We'll let you indulge your little nature trip as long as it doesn't cramp our smooth. Isn't that right, LG?

Labtech Gene: *grrk* *sniff*

Timmy: Look, baby, you're making Gene get all emotional at how right I am. Now get your business taken care of before those tears start rolling.

Dr. Singh: Gladly. First of all, we've got some incredible news this week: the Cash Shop just got a shipment of what appears to be a brand new evolving item! A while back, the Skin Tyte shop in Durem started offering some special potions that could change the very nature of the body. However, it appears that some of the potions didn't turn out quite right…



The Gimpi potion is quite strange: you can't actually drink it, but it seems to be growing on its own! Who knows what might become of this odd concoction? You can swing by the Gaia Cash Shop to see for yourself!

Timmy: As a businessman, I recommend first generation items. Gotta get in on the ground floor to make the big bucks. That's economics, baby.

Dr. Singh: In other news, a bumper crop of our finest items are evolving this week! The Death Whisper is just getting more and more disturbing… I can't wait to see what depths it's sunk to this time. If you prefer things a little softer and cuter, you'll be happy to hear that Inari's Beads have evolved again, too.

Timmy: Ain't nothing in the world softer and cuter than that beard of yours, baby.

Dr. Singh: You flatter me, T-Bone. *shudder* …anyway, the Enchanted Book is still weaving its unbelievable tale, and the strange spirit of the Yama no Tamago is stirring with inscrutable power. And as a final note to all the aspiring botanists out there: this is your last chance to pick up the extraordinary Dionaesil! It'll be leaving the Cash Shop very soon, so don't dawdle.

You can pick up all of these awesome evolving items, including the brand-new Gimpi, at the Gaia Cash Shop!

Timmy: Bravo, baby. Captivating stuff, as always, but now it's time to move on to bigger and better things: who's ready for some smooooooooooooth jaaaaaaazz!?

Labtech Gene: Me! I'm ready for jazz! Pick me!

Timmy: Cool your jets, big guy. There's plenty of smooth jazz for everyone… but a little extra for the fine ladies out there. You ready, Doc? Check your mood ring, we gotta make sure you're mellow enough.

Dr. Singh: What? I don't have a mood ring.


Labtech Gene: I'm freaking out, T-Bone. Freaking out a little over here.

Timmy: Be cool. The lady doesn't have a mood ring. That's unusual and maybe illegal, but we have to work through this for the sake of the smooth jazz. Let's just start the countdown, dig? Awright, number five: Galileo Braingrass hits a new entry to the chart with his ultrasmooth new-age relaxation cut, "Dolphin Healing Crystal Jam."

Dr. Singh: Oooh… I can feel it working… *yawn*

Timmy: Number four this week comes courtesy of the legendary Barry Duke-Wayne, who puts us in an amorous mood with his sultry new single, "Pants Alarm Deployed."

Dr. Singh: Aww, yeah… very… mellow…

Timmy: And coming in at number three, Raoul Champagne returns triumphantly to the charts with his sassy oboe blockbuster, "Felt a Thing Happen (Ooh Yeah Baby Ouch)." Play this one reeeeaal quiet, ladies and gentlemen, so you can detect all the smooth jazz nuance.

Dr. Singh: Smooth jazz… making me so tired…

Timmy: That's right, baby. Tired of not listening to smooth jazz. Number two: let's give it up for the tireless musical efforts of Cassius LaFontaine, who's back this week with "Feather Earhole Touch." Doesn't get much mellower than that, baby.

Dr. Singh: Zzzz… *snork*

Timmy: Nothing is quite so seductive as a fine lady's gentle snore of smooth jazz appreciation. You ready for number one this week, LG?

Labtech Gene: I feel like I'm gonna die if you don't hit me with it right now, T-Bone!

Timmy: Here it is, babies: returning to the number one spot this week, it's the fabulous Royce Breeze with his seductive new slow-jam, "The Hillbilly Handshake!"

Labtech Gene: How'd he make a 1980s-era electric piano sound so much like a banjo, T-Bone? Is he some kind of a god?

Timmy: You said a mouthful, Large. It's best not to contemplate his ways, because even the mind of a jazz genius like me can't begin to understand such things. Say, why isn't the Doc joining in with our discussion of how good smooth jazz is?

Labtech Gene: She's out cold, T-Bone. I think the smooth jazz mellowed her out too much, and she just couldn't take it.

Timmy: You know, Large, at first I was feeling like her squareness and general chumpism was stepping on our toes, but ever since she grew that beard it's become clear that she's actually quite hep.

Labtech Gene: So do we get to tell her about the business? Do we tell her about... The Sacred Tenets of Smooth Jazz!?

Timmy: Soon, LG. We gotta take this slow, so we don't blow her mind. In time, she will know the horrible truth. Dig.

Dr. Singh: Bzzt... *snort*... huh? I'm awake! What about smooth jazz? Oh, drat! Looks like we're all out of time. See you next week, ladies and gentlemen-- if you want to tell us what you think of the items, remember to visit our weekly evolving item poll. Thanks!

Dr. Singh: Aww yeah, you... cats... welcome to Dr. Timmy's Evolving Item Report and Smooth Jazz Countdown. I'm Dr. Singh, and I'm, uh, highly excited to present your host, the coolest... dude...

Timmy: You're botching the intro, babe. I love the new look and all, but you gotta work on that banter if you wanna roll with the T-Bone. Show the lady how it's done, LG.

Labtech Gene: Light up the candles and drape yourselves in velvet, ladies and gentlemen, because the smoooooth jaaaaazz is about to commence! I know all the sexy ladies are ready to roll out the red carpet for the fantastic man of their fanciest fantasies, your solid-gold host... Timmy!

Timmy: See? That's how it's done, baby. You could take a lesson or two from LG. He's a natural broadcaster.

Dr. Singh: Yeah, that was really, really... great. Can we just get to the evolving items, please?


Labtech Gene: Hey! T-Bone will request your suggestions when he starts running out of ideas, which is never, you got it?

Timmy: No, LG, the lady is right: we should get the evolving item part over with, so we can give the people what they really came to see: smooth jazz!

Labtech Gene: You were right about me being wrong, T-Bone. Good call. You're the greatest, man.



Dr. Singh: Let's start with some very exciting news: the Dionaesil has reached its final form this week! That means that owners of first-generation Dionaesils can now see the item's incredible final pose, and all the previous forms have been unlocked! Elsewhere, Padmavati's Lotus is revealing some interesting clues about its future, and the Kelp o'th Loch is starting to show some clear indications of its true nature. The popular Picolitrosso's Urn is starting to become extremely cute--

Timmy: Just like you, babe. Love the beard, by the way.

Dr. Singh: Thank you, Timmy. Also this week, Alruna's Rose, one of the craziest evolving items ever, is moving yet another step closer to completion. I can't wait to see what this item still has in store! And, in other news, the 3rd generation of The Experiment is fully unlocking this week. That's about it for this time...

You can find these great evolving items and tons of other cool stuff over at the Gaia Cash Shop!

Timmy: So, now that the Doc is finished with all her science mumbo-jumbo, whaddaya say we get started on the real show? That's right, everyone: it's time for the Smooth Jazz Countdown. Let's go, LG!

Labtech Gene: I don't think they're hearing you yet, T-Bone, you'd better hit 'em again!

Timmy: One more time, all you sexy ladies out there: get ready for some Smooth Jazz! Think you can handle it this time, Doc?

Dr. Singh: You know it, little bud-- er, "T-bone."

Timmy: Dig this: hitting number five this week like a pink ostrich feather sensually striking the posterior of a fine lady, we've got smooth jazz superstar Kenny F with his hot new soprano sax track, "Blowin' in a Thing."

Dr. Singh: Awwww yeah! *shudder*

Timmy: Number four, with a bullet: the Wes Butan Trio performing "Sensual Botox." Oh Wes, you're a true guru of smooth jazz!

Dr. Singh: Oooh... so adult contemporary!

Timmy: Rising to number three this week, we've got the slow, smooth, chilled-out groove of Luther Ramses with "Naugahyde Nights."

Dr. Singh: Smooooth! I feel like I'm in a... sexy elevator?


Labtech Gene: Whoa! Cool it with the "e-word," babe. Smooth jazz is to be enjoyed in many locations-- yes, including vertical conveyance systems-- but is definitely not just (pardon my use of the term here, I say this only to illustrate your offensive conduct) "elevator music."

Timmy: Go easy on her, LG, she's new at this. Okay, moving on. Try to contain your outrage, Cassius LaFontaine fans: "Take My Hand, Baby, and I Will Lead You to a Place" has dropped to the number two spot! Pretty stunning upset, isn't it, baby?

Dr. Singh: Oooh, catch me if I faint!

Timmy: And now, the moment you've all waited your whole lives for: this week's number-one smooth jazz track! You ready for this? Well, ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Coming in at number one in an amazing debut, it's-- oh, hold on, that's my cell phone. Gotta take this call, ladies and gentlemen. Doc, you handle number one. Hello? Rico? I told you a million times, Rico, you don't get me that money by tomorrow and I'll...

Dr. Singh: But... I don't know what number one is! Do you have it written down, or something?


Labtech Gene: Let me get this straight: you show up to Gaia's top-rated smooth jazz program not knowing what the number one smooth jazz track of the week is? This is inexcusable work, baby. This is just sloppy. I don't care how long you've known T-Bone, babe, this ain't the minor leagues and we have no room for this kind of unprofessionalism.

Timmy: Quiet down, you two! I'm trying to tell Rico what I'm going to do with him if he doesn't have my money, and it's a complicated, ten-step process. You're making me lose my train of... are you crying again, LG?

Labtech Gene: I'm... I'm sorry, T-Bone, I just try so hard... it hurts me so bad when I let you down, boss... so bad...

Timmy: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, looks like we've gotta finish this up next week. Goodnight! Anyway, Rico, you come up short on me again and I'm going to mail your most highly-prized appendages to your grandmother's nursing home!

Dr. Singh: Uhh.... okay... as usual, we've got a thread set up here where you let us know what your favorite items of the week are. And a final message to the fans: stay strong out there, and remember that I'm working as hard as I can to get to the bottom of this! wink


Labtech Gene: Your words are perplexing to me, baby, but I dig the wink. You keep that up.

Psst-- hey, everybody... I should make this quick, because I don't know when Timmy's coming back. I just wanted to fill you in on some news.

First, I'm sorry to inform you that the Evolving Item Report (and... ugh... Smooth Jazz Countdown) will be a little bit delayed this week. It will probably come out sometime around Tuesday, August 12th.

But while I have this short reprieve, I need to talk to you. I don't know if you've noticed, but Timmy and Gene have been acting really, really strange lately. I don't know what it is... they used to be such sweet guys, but they've been acting like total male-chauvinist creeps.

Since he grew that little beard and all, at first I was thinking that Timmy hit puberty or something, but it's gone way beyond that-- now he's listening to smooth jazz and wearing a red blazer and quite possibly doing illegal things in his spare time. But now Gene's got a beard as well, and I've got a hunch that something very fishy is going on. I think their beards may be some kind of disease, or maybe even a curse.

Until I can figure out what's going on, I think I'll just play along and study their habits. I picked up this fake beard at a costume shop. I'm hoping it will fool them, or fool their beards... if not, I might be in big trouble.

See you Tuesday!

Timmy: So I was like, "Rico, I'm going to close my eyes and count to five. If the twenty grand isn't on my desk when I open them again, we're gonna take a little trip to the crocodile farm."


Labtech Gene: It's the life he chose, T-Bone.


Timmy: Exactly. Just business. So anyway, Rico's looking at me like he's gonna wet his... Oh! Hey there, cats and kittens. Thanks for dropping by. My name is Timmy, and this is my business associate, Large G. Show the people some love, LG.


Labtech Gene: I'd like to say a special hello to all the pretty ladies out there.


Timmy: Ha! You're a real bird-doggin' tomcat of an S.O.B., you know that, LG? Anyway, welcome to your favorite show, Dr. Timmy's Evolving Item Report and Smooth Jazz Countdown. We've got a real hot show for you tonight, so let's rip into it. First, the science stuff: we've got three items doin' their thing this week.


Labtech Gene: Hit 'em with some facts, brother!


Timmy: First on the list, the lovely Inari's Beads. These things are real classy and elegant, huh? They'd make a perfect gift for a certain caliber of lady, like perhaps a fancy hairstylist or a waitress at a fine chicken wing establishment. We've also heard some crazy rumors that the Furugasa is getting even creepier.


Labtech Gene: Kick its a**, T-Bone!


Timmy: No, Gene. You see, I'm a businessman. It would be untoward of me to perform violence against an umbrella without reasonable cause. But believe me, if that thing gets out of line, I will put in a call to my best people, and they will handle the situation with swiftness and discretion, and-- don't cry, LG!

Labtech Gene: I'm sorry... I just... I just respect you so much, man...


Timmy: Finally, check this out. I've got two words for you, ladies and gentlemen: Death Whisper. Just sit back and let those words marinate for a minute. This thing is the real deal, you dig?



Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, you can pick up these fine items and many more in the Gaia Cash Shop. If you stop by, be sure to tell Flynn I said hello. Tell her that anything she needs, I'm her man. Money is not an issue, you dig?

Dr. Singh: I'm here! Here I am! Don't start the show without me!

Timmy: You're late, baby. That's unacceptable.


Labtech Gene: T-Bone demands excellence from his people.

Dr. Singh: Sorry, everyone. It was the weirdest thing... I was all ready to do the show, and then I just had overpowering feeling like I needed to change my clothes. I can't explain it...

Timmy: I forgive you, baby. Can't stay mad at a pair of stems like that.

Dr. Singh: Well, shall we get started? Hi, everyone! I'm Dr. Singh, and this is my little pal Timmy.

Labtech Gene: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa. Stop right there, sweetheart. Did I just hear you call T-Bone your "little pal"? Maybe you don't know who you're talking to, lady, but T-Bone commands and appreciates your respect.


Timmy: Cool down, Large. The lady doesn't know what she's saying. She, like many broads, tends to get a little emotional and speak out of turn once in a while. Isn't that right, baby?

Dr. Singh: Hey, what is this!? Why are you acting like such a little creep?

Timmy: Mellow out, baby. We can get you something to improve your mood, if you know what I mean. Love the new look, by the way.

Dr. Singh: Oh, shut up! Let's just do the report.

Timmy: Report's done, baby. LG and I took care of it. But don't worry, you still get to be a star. We're about to do the best part of the show: the smooth jazz countdown. You ready for this, doll?

Dr. Singh: This is a science program! There's no smooth jazz countdown!

Labtech Gene: Smooth Jazz is a science, baby. The science of listening to saxophones and then getting busy down by the fire.


Timmy: Don't worry, you'll like it. This is all you have to do: I call out the name of the tune, then you say "ooh, I can dig it" or something, or just moan appreciatively. You ready for this?

Dr. Singh: No!

Timmy: OK, here we go. Number five this week: Chocolate Cake Supreme with the laid-back chillness of "Whale Memories, Pt. II."

Dr. Singh: ...

Labtech Gene: Do it, lady.


Timmy: Give her time, LG. Let her get used to the idea. Number four: The Hugo Rodney Combo with their smash-hit sax track, "Teatime For Ya Butt."

Dr. Singh: I won't do it!

Timmy: You will, baby. Just feel that smooth jazz. It'll happen. Number three: Raoul Champagne makes his top-five debut with "Allow Me to Touch That."

Dr. Singh: Mff... urhg...

Timmy: Don't fight it, baby. Number two: The Titi Muscatachiollaire Orchestra lays it on heavy with the clarinets in "I Fell Asleep in the Pool."

Dr. Singh: Fffffff...

Timmy: Let it happen, babe. You know you can dig it. You ready for number one? Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Timmy's Smooth Jazz Pick of the Week: Cassius LaFontaine with his ultra-mellow instrumental, "Take My Hand, Baby, and I Will Lead You to a Place."

Dr. Singh: Oooooooh. I can dig it!

Timmy: I knew you could, baby.

Dr. Singh: What...? What did I just say? Nooooooo!

Timmy: That's all for this week, ladies and gentlemen. If you want to drop us a line about which items you dig the most this week, just visit this thread. Stay mellow!

Dr. Singh: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Evolving Item Report, Gaia's most trusted news source for the wonderful world of evolving items. We've got a fairly huge update this week, so we should probably jump right in. As you can see, I've got my little sidekick Timmy with me, and... Gene, what are you still doing here?

Labtech Gene: What'sa matter, doll? Don't want me around? Can handle the manliness? Don't be scared, babe, I won't bite. Unless you like it like that.


Dr. Singh: Something seems a little strange about you, Gene. Please, I appreciate you bringing Timmy back, but we've got a job to do. We can continue this conversation after the report is done.


Labtech Gene: Suit yourself, babe. Maybe we can continue it over a nice box of wine in my hot tub, or as I like to call it, the Pond of Passion.


Dr. Singh: Sorry, I'm busy tonight. Forever. Anyway, we've got an extra-special report this week, featuring five evolutions and two brand-new items! Timmy, you look pretty excited, would you care to get the ball rolling?

Timmy: Maybe the two of us should get rolling, you dig? You catch my drift? You pickin' up what I'm layin' down, babe?

Dr. Singh: I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about, so I'll just get this started by myself. First, some big news: two brand new items are arriving in the Cash Shop today! First of all, there's the Coocoon, a strange little insectoid pupal sac clinging to a leaf. We all know what happens to these things-- they eventually hatch into some kind of creature. The fact that this one is being marketed as an evolving item, however, leads me to believe there's a little more to it.

Timmy: Love the science talk, babe. Gotta love a woman with brains, as long as she knows her place. Am I right, Gene?

Labtech Gene: High five.


Dr. Singh: Second, we've got these bottles of Gro-gain, a discontinued medical tonic that promises to restore thinning hair with a volatile combination of herbal extracts, dangerous chemicals and a potent distillation of ape humors. It's also got some sort of secret ingredient that's been classified by G-Corp. Gene, you wouldn't know anything about this, would you?

Labtech Gene: I could tell you, babe, but then I'd have to take you out...for a classy fondue dinner! You see what I did there?




Dr. Singh: No, I don't. Anyway, you can pick up these intriguing new items-- both priced a bit lower than most due to their suspicious nature-- at the Gaia Cash Shop.

Timmy: Say, sweetheart, does the Cash Shop sell cologne? I'm running low on Musc de Buffle.

Dr. Singh: Is that what that smell is? I thought somebody had pickled crab for lunch.


Labtech Gene: Don't listen to her, Timmy. Betties love the musk.


Dr. Singh: Anyway, those new items are just the beginning. We've also got a giant evolution this week, with five items transforming! Three of our newest items, Yama No Tamago, Picolitrosso's Urn and Padmavati's Lotus have continued their steady march of change. Yama No Tamago seems to be hatching into some manner of small creature, although it may be a little too early to tell what it'll grow in to. The Lotus seems to be taking on a more serpentine form, and the urn seems to hint at intriguing new possibilities.

Timmy: I'm seeing an intriguing possibility here, sweetheart: You. Me. Box of wine. Fun times. You dig, babe?

Dr. Singh: Wine is for grown-ups, Timmy, but if you're good, we can go to the store and get those juice boxes you like. The ones with dinosaurs on them, remember? But back to business: Alruna's Rose has evolved again this week. I've got a suspicion that it's approaching its final stage, but you never know! The Enchanted Book also continues to transform-- as usual, it's positively bursting with magical energy. Anyway, folks, that's it for this week's--

Labtech Gene: Sorry to interrupt, babe, but I just have a quick suggestion: maybe try wearing something a little friendlier next week, yeah?


Dr. Singh: You know, Timmy said the same thing to me last week, and I still don't understand what it means. What's going on here? What's wrong with you two?

Timmy: Mellow out, sweetheart. Don't get all uptight.

Labtech Gene: Yeah, babe, it's bad for you. You'll get wrinkles. Listen, here's what we're gonna do: you and I are gonna go grab a quick bite to eat. Anywhere you want, babe, this is all about you. I'll pick up the check, of course. I'm in real estate, and I'm not ashamed to say I do very well for myself.


Dr. Singh: You're not in real estate! You're a scientist!


Labtech Gene: And after that, I'm going to take that pretty little hand of yours and lead it down to the waterbed dealership, and we'll pick up a nice little--


Dr. Singh: No! I don't want a waterbed! I don't want fondue, I don't like wine from boxes and I don't want to dress "friendlier"! What in the world has gotten into you two? It's like you've suddenly become...

Timmy: Sorry doll, that's my pager. Gotta get that. You hold that thought, OK? Gotta close this deal.

Dr. Singh: Hello, everybody! I'm Dr. Singh, and this is my little pal Timmy. Welcome to the Evolving Item Report, your weekly update on the world of evolving item science. We have a special guest here with us today: Labtech Gene, who recently found little lost Timmy wandering around in his lab! Let's all give Gene a great big "thanks" for returning everyone's second-favorite host.

Labtech Gene: It's no trouble at all, Dr. Singh.

Dr. Singh: We'll be checking in with Gene a little later in the program, so please stick around. First, we'd better get down to business. Timmy, welcome back! Would you like to kick things off this week?

Timmy: Tell ya what, Doc. I'd like to "kick off" my shoes and get a little more comfortable. After all, hey, I'm a dude, you're a lady, what are we afraid of? You dig?

Dr. Singh: Something about you seems... different, Timmy.

Timmy: It's all in your pretty little mind, babe. Now let's get to work. You're a real firecracker when you talk science, you know that?

Dr. Singh: Four items are evolving this time around, so we've got a pretty hefty update. One of our newest evolving items, the Kelp o'th' Loch, is starting to take some sort of shape this week... do I detect some sort of amphibious form emerging?

Timmy: I'm detecting your form, Doc, and I likes what I sees.

Dr. Singh: Timmy, are you sure you're feeling well? On a grimmer note, the Death Whisper's curse is dragging its terrified owners further into oblivion. This is perhaps the most dangerous and morbid item we've ever reported on, so I'd urge all of you to exercise extreme caution when dealing with it. Luckily, we've got some loveliness to go with all this gloom: the Inari's Beads continue to express their playful animal spirit. Oh, my! Isn't it just the most darling little thing?

Timmy: That's what she said.

Dr. Singh: Finally, the Dionaesil is getting ever more ravenous every time I study it. I don't think it's going to be satisfied with plant food much longer... it might start moving on to bigger prey soon. Also in a unexpected turn of events Picolitrosso's Urn seems to have undergone some slight changes, so be sure to keep an eye on your Urns!

Timmy: I might start chasing some big game myself. Mrrow. They say the female of the species is more dangerous than the male, right Doc? Oh, but you wouldn't know anything about that, right? You don't fool me with your schoolgirl act, I know what revs your engine: the bad-boy type, am I right?

Dr. Singh: What? Are we still talking about the plant?

Timmy: You know what I'm talking about.

Dr. Singh: I wish I did, Timmy, but you've totally lost me. Oh well, at least you're not ranting about forests of bones and rivers of blood anymore. So, back on topic: if you'd like to pick up one of these exciting items for yourself, just go visit Flynn:



A few older items are also finishing up their evolution this week: the sixth-generation Biancamella and the seventh-generation Hermes' Moon are all fully evolved, meaning that all their forms are available. So, now that that's finished up, let's have a quick chat with our old buddy, Labtech Gene. How in the world did you find Timmy, Gene? We've been looking all over for him.

Labtech Gene: We?

Dr. Singh: Well, me and that psychiatrist, Dr. Schadenkind, but I haven't heard too much from him... he was supposed to be looking for Timmy, but the only times I heard from him were in the form of an illegible postcard written on the back of a beer-bottle label, and then a telegram asking me to bail him out of jail.

Labtech Gene: I see. Well, I wasn't really looking for him, I just happened to stumble upon him in my lab. He was rooting through the containment area where I used to keep the evil portion of him that I surgically removed, but when I tried to talk to him, he couldn't remember why he was there.

Timmy: I was probably just out bird-doggin'. You know me. Dog's gotta hunt.

Labtech Gene: I don't know what that means.

Dr. Singh: Does something seem a little different about him? I can't quite put my finger on it, but he seems to be a little more... I don't know. I'm probably just not used to him, because he's been crazy for a few weeks. No offense, Timmy.

Timmy: None taken, dollface. Say, I dig the khaki, but maybe you should dress a little friendlier next week, you dig? I'm sure all the cats at home would love to get a peep at those stems. Yowza.

Dr. Singh: Huh? Gene, do you know what he's trying to say?

Labtech Gene: I'm not sure; it may be some sort of code. I'd recommend that you keep him under strict observation for a while. He's been through a lot in the past few weeks, and we need to make sure he's not a danger to himself or others.

Timmy: Say, pal: how about you make yourself scarce for a while. I'm tryna talk a little game on the lady, and you're cramping my style, you dig?

Dr. Singh: Maybe he just needs some rest. We'll pick this up again next week, shall we?


Oh, and don't forget: each week, Gaia's artists run a little poll to see what your current favorite evolving item is. If you'd like to vote, just visit this thread.

Dr. Schadenkind: ...Hell if I know, lady. I'm a doctor, not a babysitter.

Dr. Singh: Oh! Hello, everyone... sorry, you caught me in the middle of something. I guess it's time for the Evolving Item Report, huh? Unfortunately, it looks as if Timmy won't be joining us this week. I don't want to worry you or anything, but we're not quite sure where he is...

Dr. Schadenkind: I wouldn't be surprised if you ate him, you crazy nutball.

Dr. Singh: I'm just going to ignore that. Anyway, I suppose we'd better get this week's evolving stuff out of the way before we start searching for Timmy. The biggest news this week, of course, is the arrival of Padmavati's Lotus, a brand new, premium-quality evolving item in the Cash Shop. I hope I didn't scare Flynn when I suggested that she keep these under lock and key; I still don't know whether they're dangerous or not, but they exude so much sacred energy that they should be handled with extreme care. If you're up for a little mystery, you might consider picking one up.



Dr. Singh: In other news, three of our finest items are evolving this week! Alruna's Rose is still going strong this week-- this little firecracker of an item has spawned dozens of enticing mutations already, and this week's evolution carries on the tradition in fine style.

Dr. Schadenkind: I might have to invoke my authority to seize one of those items, lady. Y'know, for personal use.

Dr. Singh: You have authority?

Dr. Schadenkind: Well, technically, no. Shut up. Who asked you?

Dr. Singh: The ghostly Furugasa is also continuing its journey into the dark recesses of creepiness this week, and Picolitrosso's Urn is moving in some very unexpected directions. I can't wait to see how this one turns out. Isn't that right, Timmy?

Dr. Schadenkind: He's gone, remember?

Dr. Singh: Sorry; force of habit. Finally, one of our older items is completing its evolution this week: the second generation of The Experiment has reached the furthest depths of scientific wrongness. If you'd like to pick up one of these items for yourself or for a friend, you can always visit Flynn at the Gaia Cash Shop.



Well, I suppose we'd better start looking for Timmy. I sure hope he's OK, all alone out there with all of his mental problems and social awkwardness. Where do you think we should start looking, Dr. Schadenkind?

Dr. Schadenkind: What's this "we" crap? He's your sidekick, you go look for him. I'll just hang out here for a while. You might want to go shopping, too, because I ate all your chips and I'm gonna need more. Say, does your couch fold out into a bed?

Dr. Singh: If you're not going to help me find him, I'm not sure why I'd want you hanging around my house. I just thought your unique insights into his mind might lend you some clues about where he might have gone.

Dr. Schadenkind: Oh, I see how it is. You just want me around if I can be of some "use" to you. You're a straight-up %&@!ing sociopath, lady. You just use people to get what you want, and you don't give half a crap if they have feelings or if they're lonesome or if they stay up all night crying because you ran out of chips. It doesn't even occur to you, does it? You make me sick. Fine. Let's go look for the wacky little S.O.B. before his head caves in from all the craziness.

Dr. Singh: I suppose that's it for this week's Evolving Item Report, ladies and gentlemen. Please join us next week, when Timmy will hopefully be back with more of inimitable Timmyness. As usual, we've got a little poll going to see what your favorite item of the week is. If you'd like to let us know, just go cast your vote!

Dr. Singh: Good morning, evolving item fans! Welcome to the Evolving Item Report, Gaia's premiere educational program. I'm Dr. Singh, your resident evolving item expert, and this jittery little fellow is Timmy, my faithful sidekick. We've also got a special guest: once again, noted psychologist Dr. Schadenkind is helping us diagnose Timmy's... problems. You're looking a little.... restrained today, Timmy.

Timmy: We shall all be restrained beneath the jagged remnants of a crumbling world...

Dr. Singh: As you can see, Timmy's a bit out of sorts these days. We'll get to your crumbling world a little later, friend. First, let's get down to some business! As the lovely Flynn announced earlier this week, there's a brand new evolving item in the Cash Shop! Our researchers recently ran across a bunch of these Yama no Tamago during an expedition to a giant, creepy mountain. It appears to be some kind of egg, and you know how I love a good egg. You never know what might hatch!

Timmy: THE BLOOD-RED YOLKS OF DESPAIR!

Dr. Singh: Yeah.... anyway... three other items are also evolving this week: the Death Whisper continues to slither toward its sinister purpose, whatever that may be. Steer clear of this item, Timbo, it'll probably mess up your brain even worse than before.

Timmy: Arrruuughhhhh!

Dr. Singh: Another newer item, Inari's Beads continues its journey today. This one seems slightly less scary, doesn't it? It seems to have more a mischievous air about it. Last but not least, the Enchanted Book has reached another chapter in its bizarre tale. Quite an impressive suite of new evolutions this week, don't you think?

Timmy: I think only of the blood of the innocent!

Dr. Singh: Well, putting that aside for the moment: if you'd like to get the Yama No Tamago or any other evolving items for yourself, you can pick them up now in the Gaia Cash Shop.



In addition, some older items will be finishing up: the third generation of the White Drome Egg, the third generation Orindae and the 6th generation Hermes' Moon are all completing their evolutions today. So, now that we've got the business part out of the way, let's turn to Dr. Schadenkind for the latest news on Timmy's condition. How are you this morning, doctor?


Dr. Schadenkind: Oh, cut the crap. You don't care how I am. You just care about this goofy little mutant and his busted brain.


Dr. Singh: Hey! He's not a mutant anymore! Unless you were speaking figuratively, because I guess he is pretty silly-looking.


Dr. Schadenkind: So, yeah. This kid has problems, lady. He's hallucinating all kinds of terrible things. He's babbling about grisly stuff, y'know, rivers of congealing spinal fluid and ravens feasting on your eyeballs and whatnot. I don't know what you've been feeding this little freak, but he's a genuine class-A double-revolving nickel-plated lunatic.


Dr. Singh: I haven't been feeding him anything!


Dr. Schadenkind: That's sick, lady. You're sick.


Dr. Singh: No, I mean I haven't been feeding him anything that would make him crazy.


Dr. Schadenkind: Yo, whatever you did to mess him up is between you and the kid. I don't want any part of it. I just want to make sure he doesn't pose a danger to himself or anyone else, especially me. As you can see, I've fitted him with this nice little straitjacket. You still might wanna watch out for the teeth, though. I have a feeling he's gonna snap soon.


Dr. Singh: What can we do?


Dr. Schadenkind: Well, if we don't do something soon, I give this kid about... hmm... two weeks. When someone's this crazy, their brain just kinda buckles in on itself and implodes. He'll just be sitting there talking about towers of bone, and POOF! His head's the size of a fist and he's dead as a crazy little doornail. I've seen it happen a thousand times.


Dr. Singh: Oh dear... who would co-host the show? We'd better think of something. What are our options?


Dr. Schadenkind: Well, option number one, and this one is my specialty: we go in there with little mister rotary brainsaw, right up through the nose hole, and we take out the bits of his brain that are making him crazy. Which is pretty much all of them. He won't be too talkative after that, but hey, at least you don't have to hear all this whining about the ultimate evil.


Dr. Singh: That sounds a little severe...


Dr. Schadenkind: There's always, y'know, Plan B. There's where I slap him around a little. You know, just rough the kid up, show him who's boss. It doesn't work too often, but lemme tell ya, it'll give him something to think about.


Dr. Singh: He's a delicate child, Dr. Schadenkind. I don't think he'd like that very much.


Dr. Schadenkind: Of course he wouldn't! That's the whole point! But we could also go with the medication route. I've got this pill here. Don't tell anyone I've got this, but this little S.O.B. will cure what ails him, hope to tell ya. Basically, it turns him into sand. Just pop it in his mouth, hold his nose till he swallows it, and bam! Pile of sand. Sweep him up, you're done.


Dr. Singh: Wouldn't that kill him?


Dr. Schadenkind: Don't get all high and mighty with me, lady, you said you wanted options.


Dr. Singh: I'm afraid we're out of time. I guess we'll have to pick this conversation up next week, doctor. In the mean time, please don't do anything to Timmy, OK?


Dr. Schadenkind: Suit yourself, lady.


Dr. Singh: As usual, we've set up a little poll where you can tell us your favorite evolving items of the week. See you next time, folks!