So I came out of the doll closet today...

[t o l e k s z i]

And not in the way that I was hoping.

I've been a distant admirer of lolita and living doll fashions for probably around two years now. Since then I've been gradually ordering online and wearing more feminine outfits, changing my makeup to look more doll like, etc. I don't think I will ever go out in full lolita wear, but I think it's adorable and I do want/have ordered some pieces. Anyway, I'd more describe the look that I'm going for as the 'living doll' look. I used to wear all tomboy clothes and darker makeup around my eyes and lately I've replaced that with much lighter, more doll-like makeup and dressy, feminine clothes. I've also decorated my room with a lot of cute s**t now.

Anyway.
Before, I had never told anyone "Hey, I really like this clothing style, and I'm going to go for it and change my look." Instead, it's just been a gradual change that everyone has been fond of. A little surprised, but still all good responses, until earlier.

So this is what happened today.
Before my mom was going to leave to go shopping with my grandmother today, she came in my room and started off the conversation with this (she was already leaning on my door post with one hand on her hip in probably the most judgmental posture she could manage, complete with condescending/suspicious tone.) "Last night I was watching that show, 'My Strange Addiction' and I saw the episode about the living dolls. One girl was wearing one of those things that you've been wanting to make (a kigurumi, but she has no understanding that kigurumis do not equal lolita/living doll) and one girl had rosy cheeks, like what you had been doing with your makeup." Her attitude was really mocking and accusing, to describe it best.

And I just kinda froze. I did not see that coming at all, so I had no idea what to say or do. I felt like I couldn't really say 'yes' or 'no.' I mean yes, I have consciously been going for the 'living doll look' for about a year now. But I've seen that episode, and the show scripted it like it was a cult obsession rather than just another fashion. So no, it does not change my personality at all nor does it mean that I'm trying to refuse to be an adult or take on responsibility. The point that upset me was though, that even if I did want to dress and go out in full Lolita and go to tea parties, etc. it's not affecting my life or anyone else in a bad way and she should be accepting and supportive of that. Not come to my door just to 'check in and make sure' that I'm not trying to be like one of those 'weirdos' on TV.
She had left earlier before I had a chance to really respond. And by that I mean that I literally shrugged and said "well, why does it matter?" And because I know her, and because I didn't joke along with her and say, "no, of course not, that's ridiculous" I know where her mind is headed now and that she has a very bad impression of the lolita/living doll style.

So since things got cut off short and I didn't really get a chance to respond, I decided I need to sit her down later when she gets home and have a talk with her about it. I need a way to explain the lolita and doll fashions in such a way where she understands that it does not extend past a fashion choice and in no way is relevant to my life choices as an adult. In fact, I found my own career path all by myself, and since even before I was 18, I was always in at least one part time job when I was in good enough health. The point is that I'm every bit of responsible, but I don't think she's going to see that now after watching that episode on TV.

In other words, I just really need some good advice on how I can explain lolita and doll fashions to her without her thinking it's some kind of cult and that I'm just 'being weird' or that it means I'm going to try to look and act like a child.
Thanks for all your input. And also, hi, cause I'm new here. ^^

[t o l e k s z i]

Welp, I did my best to explain it to her. She actually had an even worse impression of lolita and the doll look than I had thought. I haven't been dressing to the extreme I've really wanted to, and she pretty much just said that she's okay with what I've been doing lately. I'm not sure how she's going to feel about anything else when I do start getting into the fashion more. She believes that it's not appropriate to dress so young and I should have 'outgrown this.' I'm guessing this is probably something lolitas get a lot. I still tried to talk with her to explain that even if I were going full blown lolita, she can not like it and disagree with it, but she shouldn't make fun of me for it.
The idea is I'd still like to go to a meetup one day, if they even exist in my area, and I'm not sure how she would feel about that. And since I do all my laundry here it's kind of hard to escape that she will always see my clothes at some point.

Just wondering if anyone else has any advice about how to get parents comfortable with this change in style? Apparently it's 'really difficult to swallow' even though it really shouldn't be. My mom is over dramatic and sensitive about everything, so. I'm sure more gradual changes will be best with her, but I'm unsure the best way I could explain possibly going to a meet up, if I ever could go to one. Tips/advice please? D:

[Chaotic Wishes]

Yeah, that episode made a bit of impact of the lolita community as well. I think I've read stories that since that episode aired, it's been more common to assume that someone dressed in the fashion wants to literally be a doll and that it's a lifestyle. So you're definitely not alone in that.

In terms of explaining it to your mother, I'd say just try and emphasize that it is not some kind of escapism or delusions of being a child rather than an adult. Rather, point out that it's just a way of dressing more modestly and in a more feminine manner. Also, point out to her that the show is reality television, and therefore scripted to make the people seem weirder and more out of touch with reality than they actually are. Since she had no problem with it before, tell her that nothing's changed about it and that a reality television show shouldn't warp that for her.

Another problem people seem to have with it is that there's a misconception of it being a fetish or that people who dress in lolita or in living doll fashion want to attract *****. Hopefully that doesn't come up, but if it does, just point out that it's more about dressing for yourself and not trying to attract men. It's a fashion that has roots in feminism and is about being creative and having fun with clothing.

Hopefully that helps! Good luck with your mother!

[t o l e k s z i]

Thanks for your reply, it was helpful. ^^ Especially since I'm still new to it. Just been basically lurking the lolita/doll styles for two years now.

I can definitely imagine now how that episode would have impacted the community in a negative way. From what I read on some sites, the girls on the show were playing more a part to make them seem strange, when in reality, they weren't really being themselves. At least from what I seen, people don't try to act like dolls.

She seems okay for now when I did explain it to her. The ***** thing hasn't come up at all mainly because I don't think she realizes that lolita can be fetishized. I know she's still going to have that paranoia from the episode in her head though no matter what I say, but that's just how she is. I've played around with my style since middle school so it really shouldn't be that new to her. I think it just bothers her right now because she still thinks that the style is meant to make you look younger and that dressing that way automatically makes me immature or means that I've regressed. That's the only aspect to it that I still haven't managed to explain to her well enough. That may never happen though.

Chaotic Wishes

[Chaotic Wishes]

t o l e k s z i

Thanks for your reply, it was helpful. ^^ Especially since I'm still new to it. Just been basically lurking the lolita/doll styles for two years now.

I can definitely imagine now how that episode would have impacted the community in a negative way. From what I read on some sites, the girls on the show were playing more a part to make them seem strange, when in reality, they weren't really being themselves. At least from what I seen, people don't try to act like dolls.

She seems okay for now when I did explain it to her. The ***** thing hasn't come up at all mainly because I don't think she realizes that lolita can be fetishized. I know she's still going to have that paranoia from the episode in her head though no matter what I say, but that's just how she is. I've played around with my style since middle school so it really shouldn't be that new to her. I think it just bothers her right now because she still thinks that the style is meant to make you look younger and that dressing that way automatically makes me immature or means that I've regressed. That's the only aspect to it that I still haven't managed to explain to her well enough. That may never happen though.

Chaotic Wishes

I think the best way to show her that is just to prove that you're not trying to be younger. Since in your first post you've pointed out that you've had part-time jobs and are headed on your own path that you've found for yourself, those are all factors that show that you're not trying moving in a more immature direction. I think parents worry that by dressing like this, it's a form of trying to shirk responsibilities via escapism. But if you remind her that you are a responsible adult, and that's the reason you're even able to dress up in a way you like, then it might ease her worries a little bit. Also, if you let her know that you obviously know when and where to wear an alternative fashion, it might help as well, since one reason she could be worried about you looking younger would be if you were to be in a social situation where you needed to present yourself as mature. I didn't watch the episode, but I believe that there's a part where someone goes on a job interview wearing bloomers or something?

[t o l e k s z i]

Yeah, I'm hoping she doesn't stay worried about that as time goes on, since I've just taken on more work and I'm as independent from home as I can be without moving out. We also did discuss dressing when we go out, and assured her that I would never wear something inappropriate for the circumstances. I'm not bent on dressing a certain way all the time.
Oh, yeah. The girl that called herself Luna, she went out job hunting in full lolita. She said she was going to try while dressed in lolita, since she never had any luck dressed in normal clothes before. She looked really uncomfortable the whole time, I felt bad for her. I feel like that episode ruined her image more than anyone else's. The other two people were Venus obviously, and that guy that's trying to look like a Ken doll.

Chaotic Wishes

[Chaotic Wishes]

t o l e k s z i

Yeah, I'm hoping she doesn't stay worried about that as time goes on, since I've just taken on more work and I'm as independent from home as I can be without moving out. We also did discuss dressing when we go out, and assured her that I would never wear something inappropriate for the circumstances. I'm not bent on dressing a certain way all the time.
Oh, yeah. The girl that called herself Luna, she went out job hunting in full lolita. She said she was going to try while dressed in lolita, since she never had any luck dressed in normal clothes before. She looked really uncomfortable the whole time, I felt bad for her. I feel like that episode ruined her image more than anyone else's. The other two people were Venus obviously, and that guy that's trying to look like a Ken doll.

Chaotic Wishes

Yes, what I'd heard was that she was forced into doing that.

It sounds like you've actually explained it pretty well to your mom! It just takes some time for parents to get used to, so just give it some time for it to sink in that you're still the same person regardless of what you wear. Personally, my mother has had a really long time to become acclimated to the fashion, as I've been interested in it since middle school, and I'm 22 now, so she hardly blinks an eye at it. Other people's parents I know have had reservations about it when they started, ranging from being worried about it being a distraction from school work or being too expensive, etc, But it definitely gets better as time goes on.

[t o l e k s z i]

That wouldn't surprise me if she was forced into doing it. :/ The other things she also said on the show, like 'dressing like a doll in order to escape life's problems' amongst other things really didn't do well for my mom, and I'm sure a lot of other people who don't know anything about the lolita/doll fashions. It needs a documentary for itself, not getting slammed as a strange addiction.

And thanks! I'm sure it'll take a while to get used to, but I've been really gradually introducing her to more feminine/cute fashions for about a year now. It'd just be nice if I could dress to the full potential I'd like to without her thinking that I'm trying to be like Luna or Venus somehow. I'll give dressing up how I like a shot soon and see how it goes.

And thanks for all your advice! ^^

Chaotic Wishes

Yes, what I'd heard was that she was forced into doing that.

It sounds like you've actually explained it pretty well to your mom! It just takes some time for parents to get used to, so just give it some time for it to sink in that you're still the same person regardless of what you wear. Personally, my mother has had a really long time to become acclimated to the fashion, as I've been interested in it since middle school, and I'm 22 now, so she hardly blinks an eye at it. Other people's parents I know have had reservations about it when they started, ranging from being worried about it being a distraction from school work or being too expensive, etc, But it definitely gets better as time goes on.

[t o l e k s z i]

ACTUALLY,
I feel silly now. I'm totally going to show her this video with Lovely Lor tomorrow. It addresses everything I can think of.

Chaotic Wishes

[Chaotic Wishes]

t o l e k s z i

ACTUALLY,
I feel silly now. I'm totally going to show her this video with Lovely Lor tomorrow. It addresses everything I can think of.

Chaotic Wishes

Yeah, plus it also shows that lolitas are normal people who like a cute fashion. She is also in a Youtube documentary, Sugar Coated, which is a more positive spin on the fashion and a pretty interesting watch.

[Swimmin_Sweater]

Dear Me Video

I'm sorry to hear your having such a hard time. I agree that it is probably best to continue your change slowly but remember that like you said, she doesn't have to like it, she just has to accept it. The link I have above is the best pick-me-up I can offer. I'm sure she's just worried about your safety. Some societies like the USA (I don't know where you are though so this may not apply) can be very judgmental. I think emphasizing the word fashion and down playing doll will help. Also maybe relate it to being an art. It's all about how you sell it to her.

Personally, My mother is fine with it as long as I play it down in public. She relates it to me being an artist and thinks it's cute so it doesn't bother her. I go full out at conventions. My father is fine with it because I look young and he's afraid of getting old. He can pretend like his daughter is still young even though she is graduating college next year and will teaching in another state. He also calls me his princess and would do anything to make me happy even if he thinks it's a bit strange. Basicly that consider it an artist thing and since it doesn't hurt anyone I can do it.