Vardoger
Loiterer
I was on reddit earlier today and there was a relationship advice thread. OP was a female with a boyfriend. The boyfriend had an MtF friend. OP refuses to use female pronouns for said friend (but tries to be nice about it). Boyfriend gets insulted and angry with OP. OP makes advice thread on reddit asking 1.) Why her bf is mad at her for her beliefs (she's not forcing them on anyone else)., 2. How to make him not so mad at her.All the answers are pretty much about what pronouns mean to transgender people, don't really answer her question. I made an interesting (albeit long) analogy about how her behavior makes her and the people she associates with look bad.
My question here is: Is this a good analogy I should refine and keep using, or does it suck/not make sense?
Analogy below:
Everything everyone said here is great, but I feel like it's not really getting the point across in how your actions affect other people (and not just the MtF).
For starters, I'd like to say that I moderately agree with your opinion on transgender people. And you are absolutely entitled to your opinion. But as you are entitled to your opinion, your bf is also entitled to his. And his opinion seems to be that you're a bad person (because of your opinion).
But, honestly, it's probably not because of your opinion. It's because of your actions. When you talk about the MtF, you say her male name and male pronouns. When the MtF is in vent, do you continue to do this?
This is bad. And it's not bad just because of the MtF's feelings.
Imagine you are asian, and you are married to an american. You decide to have dinner with some family and friends. There is another asian there.
You, as an asian, have decreed that everything, everywhere, must be eaten by chop sticks. This is the "asian way" and it's how you've lived. You try to be nice about it, so you bring your own chopsticks everywhere so you can eat with them.
Your husband, the american, thinks you're kind of weird, but respects your views, so lets you do whatever you want. He personally could eat with any utensil. The problem occurs when you go out to eat, and there is another asian.
"Finally!" You think, "Another asian to share my chopstick habits with!" You go into the luncheon thinking about all the fun you'll have and how many parallels you can see now that you have someone who eats with chopsticks with you.
The other asian comes, and they start eating immediately with a fork.
"That's not right!" You think. "You're asian, like me! Why don't you eat with chopsticks?!" The other asian says they ate with chopsticks for a while, but they find they enjoy using forks now.
Deeply hurt, you try not to say anything to the individual themselves, but any time the subject comes up, you talk about how it's "Not right" for an asian to not be using chopsticks-- there must be something wrong with this asian-- are they REALLY asian?
Meanwhile, at every outing, you continue eating with your chopsticks.
Now, you may feel like you're not sticking out, and this is personal preference. But do you realize how *silly* it looks to an outsider that you are eating with chopsticks when everyone else is not? And that when you say "They can't REALLY be asian" that not only does it reflect your personal opinion, but it *also* reflects the people who choose to hang out with you?
If OP's BF puts up with OP and her behavior... Is OP's bf thinking the same thing OP is secretly...?
This breeds distrust, and it makes the person being talked about feel isolated.
You should also keep in mind that everyone you eat with, is tolerating your use of chopsticks. It's just personal preference, after all. Why bother to call you out on it and force you to eat with a fork? It would be impolite. As such, it would *also* be impolite to assert that you *were not* an *american*. (You had married an american afterall-- so now you're an american-asian who uses chopsticks. Not *Just an asian*).
So, since your friends/family have always put up with, and tolerated your chopstick eating habits, why is it so difficult for you to tolerate the other asian's lack of chopstick use?
The chopsticks are male pronouns and male name (that you use for the MtF). Perhaps it is best to re-evaluate the situations you are in, and determine that chopsticks are not the best utensils in certain situations.
If you are on Vent/Steam/whatever, and this person sounds like a girl, acts like a girl, has a girl name, and you continue to use male pronouns and name for her, you are only making yourself look silly. Unfortunately your silliness is also reflected in your boyfriend... "Hey OP's BF, why do you date OP? She's really kind of silly."
It's something worth thinking about. Sorry for the huge wall of text.
**TL;DR your behavior does not only reflect you, but also that of your peers. You're likely making them look bad.**
For starters, I'd like to say that I moderately agree with your opinion on transgender people. And you are absolutely entitled to your opinion. But as you are entitled to your opinion, your bf is also entitled to his. And his opinion seems to be that you're a bad person (because of your opinion).
But, honestly, it's probably not because of your opinion. It's because of your actions. When you talk about the MtF, you say her male name and male pronouns. When the MtF is in vent, do you continue to do this?
This is bad. And it's not bad just because of the MtF's feelings.
Imagine you are asian, and you are married to an american. You decide to have dinner with some family and friends. There is another asian there.
You, as an asian, have decreed that everything, everywhere, must be eaten by chop sticks. This is the "asian way" and it's how you've lived. You try to be nice about it, so you bring your own chopsticks everywhere so you can eat with them.
Your husband, the american, thinks you're kind of weird, but respects your views, so lets you do whatever you want. He personally could eat with any utensil. The problem occurs when you go out to eat, and there is another asian.
"Finally!" You think, "Another asian to share my chopstick habits with!" You go into the luncheon thinking about all the fun you'll have and how many parallels you can see now that you have someone who eats with chopsticks with you.
The other asian comes, and they start eating immediately with a fork.
"That's not right!" You think. "You're asian, like me! Why don't you eat with chopsticks?!" The other asian says they ate with chopsticks for a while, but they find they enjoy using forks now.
Deeply hurt, you try not to say anything to the individual themselves, but any time the subject comes up, you talk about how it's "Not right" for an asian to not be using chopsticks-- there must be something wrong with this asian-- are they REALLY asian?
Meanwhile, at every outing, you continue eating with your chopsticks.
Now, you may feel like you're not sticking out, and this is personal preference. But do you realize how *silly* it looks to an outsider that you are eating with chopsticks when everyone else is not? And that when you say "They can't REALLY be asian" that not only does it reflect your personal opinion, but it *also* reflects the people who choose to hang out with you?
If OP's BF puts up with OP and her behavior... Is OP's bf thinking the same thing OP is secretly...?
This breeds distrust, and it makes the person being talked about feel isolated.
You should also keep in mind that everyone you eat with, is tolerating your use of chopsticks. It's just personal preference, after all. Why bother to call you out on it and force you to eat with a fork? It would be impolite. As such, it would *also* be impolite to assert that you *were not* an *american*. (You had married an american afterall-- so now you're an american-asian who uses chopsticks. Not *Just an asian*).
So, since your friends/family have always put up with, and tolerated your chopstick eating habits, why is it so difficult for you to tolerate the other asian's lack of chopstick use?
The chopsticks are male pronouns and male name (that you use for the MtF). Perhaps it is best to re-evaluate the situations you are in, and determine that chopsticks are not the best utensils in certain situations.
If you are on Vent/Steam/whatever, and this person sounds like a girl, acts like a girl, has a girl name, and you continue to use male pronouns and name for her, you are only making yourself look silly. Unfortunately your silliness is also reflected in your boyfriend... "Hey OP's BF, why do you date OP? She's really kind of silly."
It's something worth thinking about. Sorry for the huge wall of text.
**TL;DR your behavior does not only reflect you, but also that of your peers. You're likely making them look bad.**
