Hello, ladies and gents. You can call me Lee. I am a newcomer to this thread, but I am in need of help. I have been struggling with a lot of feelings for a long time, with nowhere to go to talk to people with similar experiences. I can only hope I've found the right place here, because I'm about to unload a lot. I would immensely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond.
It's been a long journey that in some ways I'm still traveling, but I have finally come to understand myself as falling under the transgender umbrella. I was born female, but was never comfortable with it. When I was younger it merely felt a little disappointing, but I figured I would never be able to do anything about it, and indeed the idea of doing something about it seemed strange. I wished I could be a boy instead of a tomboy, but that was impossible. Then puberty hit and I became a little more restless. I still didn't know there was any other way I could ultimately present myself, but I started to dress in mens clothing nonetheless. Having boobs wasn't right and I didn't like them but at least mine were small and I could appear flat-chested in baggier clothing. Getting a period seemed particularly unfair, especially as, as I would later be able to identify, I am asexual and never had any desire for sex or children. But what could I do? I thought I was stuck this way. No matter how androgynous I made my appearance or how proud I felt when people mistook me as male, I would always have to correct them.
Then I discovered trans*. I began to see people online who had said no, they didn't care what body they were born with. They were living as the gender they felt they were. People were calling them by their desired pronouns. I was in awe. An idea sparked in my mind. Could this be what I felt? I'd avoided thinking about it for so long that for a long time I wasn't sure what I would be most comfortable with. Am I androgynous but wanting to present as male? Or a male who presents as androgynous? Or am I just a girl who wants to feel male, or is actually genderless?
The more time I had to think about it, and the more exposure I had to the stories of other trans* people, the more the concept rooted in my mind, and slowly the more clear things became. I don't want boobs- I want a flat, male chest. I would feel so much happier and more comfortable with a flat chest. I don't want a v****a- I never have. With my complete lack of interest in sex I've never wanted a p***s either though, except perhaps as a way to validate myself as male a little more. I'm lucky to have a nice, androgynous facial structure; lucky enough to pass dressing as I normally would and not binding. But I wish my voice wasn't a dead give away for female. I want to be able to laugh and speak freely, but if I ever were to make the step toward 100% presenting as male I am afraid of the things that would give me away as born as female.
I want male pronouns. I want to be seen as male. All of these things would make me feel more comfortable. I would feel... fulfilled. Happy. The more I realize and think about these things, the more depressed I become, because I don't know if I'll ever have the courage. I don't know if I'll ever have the body I want. It is generally settling on me that I do indeed feel in some way transgender. And that's relieving and terrifying all at once.
I feel guilty. I've already made several friends who know me as female. Why make everyone go through the fuss of conditioning them to see me differently? Why bring up an issue they may have trouble understanding? Why thrust that upon every new person I meet who hears me speak or looks at my feminine hips but hears me refer to myself as a guy? Why make my whole family readjust to the way they've been seeing me their whole lives? I feel as though I should be ashamed that I want this.
I feel afraid. My parents and I have such a good relationship, but I have no idea how they feel in regard to this kind of thing. They both let me dress in male clothes and get haircuts that are very androgynous- in fact I don't think they've ever batted an eye at it. Nor have they raised any point about my frequently cosplaying male characters. But if I confessed my feelings to them, how would they react? I'm afraid of stirring up turmoil or damaging our relationship. I'm afraid of how my grandparents feel, who love and are proud of me but disapprove of homosexuality. I am afraid from all the stories I hear of trans* people being aggressively confronted, or of the lack of protection against discrimination in hiring. I'm afraid of people forever scoffing or staring or doubting; I may not feel comfortable being called female, but at least it's safe. I'm even afraid of change somehow ruining something in my life forever. I'm afraid of hormones or surgery. I know so little about either, and I'm afraid that they either can't help me or would cause problems when I already have a healthy body.
I feel lost. I have no trans* or genderqueer friends to discuss my feelings with. I have no idea how to get into the community. I have no idea where I should begin with sorting my feelings and making them into a concrete identity. I have no idea how to discuss these feelings with my family, or ask others to use male pronouns in reference to me. I have no even worked out where I feel I stand in this mental gradient I have between male and genderless.
I am admittedly not the most masculine male out there, by society's standards. I enjoy things like sewing or baking. I get emotionally attached to and sometimes even cry over fictional characters. I'm quiet and when dealing with strangers, soft-spoken. While I feel these don't threaten my feelings of male identity, I wish that society would see it in the same light, just as my love of play sword battling or my pet ball python or the FPS games on my shelf wouldn't mean I was any more of a male if I didn't identify as one. I'm even fine with still dressing up in female cosplays (and in fact it is the only time when I feel at least a little glad I have a female body, as I can pull of both genders well) because it doesn't matter what I'm wearing but what I identify as. I'm ok with being a kind of feminine male as far as society's standards go, as long as people still see me as male, or even genderless with male pronouns.
If you've read this far, I really sincerely want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's more than I have ever revealed to anyone, and the pressure mounting inside me lately makes me feel fit to burst in a desperate confession to someone. I want a change in my life soon. I want at least one person in my every day life whom I love seeing me the way I feel. I have felt odd enough just deciding to present as fully male on Gaia if anyone asks, as it's more than I've done yet- but it feels right, and it makes me happy. I would be one hundred times even more thankful to anyone who responds, with any sort of advice, experience, or even just acknowledgment.
Thanks for your time, and sorry for the long-winded post.