I've been exposed to religion my whole life. School nativity plays, those things I went to after school when I was little during the lead up weeks to christmas to celebrate some guy being born. And those religion classes in school.
Not cus my parents believe or anything... they're at most agnostics but mroe tahn anything they just dont waste their time giving it too much thought.
I realised at age hmm.. I'm gonna guess anywhere from about 8-10, that I was mortal, that one day I would become like my Grandy.
It was the scariest damned thing I'd ever experienced at that point in my life, I burst itno tears and told my mother I didn't want to die.
=
And so I think I just..killed the thought for a long time.... then I started to really investigate stuff in my mind more and once again remembered *cue meurled up into the foetal position in bed*
For a while..from about 10-13 I dunno.. but I drifted into christianity..said my prayers every night..went to youth club on fridays... and for a while I got into it until the internet came in and I started looking aroun myself a bit more and lo and behold cynicism entered with the understanding that humans are just animals, that feelings are just chemicals and that choice is merely an illusion created by our sense of-
yeah lets not go to far...
ahem.. so I became an agnostic experimenting in buddhism and ofcourse the customary dabbling in wicca which when I'm feeling the right way I still do a few of the things that made me feel all "empowered" (dont snigger damnit) and you know what when I'm doing it I believe it jsut enough to hope there is soemthing else rather than just wish.
Between that stuff was the sudden angry "hardcore athiest" OUTTA MY WAY YOU PRIMITIVE CHRISTIAN/"INSERT RELIGION INVOLVING DEATH AVOIDING FEATS HERE"
Basically every friend I made who happened to have a belief system which I saw as a pathetci mental crutch for yet another example of someone unable to cope with the reality of death, I argued with them.
I argued with a few who were not so great at arguing..and a few who completley steam rolled me and I thought it was great cus they were gonna have to hold their own in a world taht increasingly worships science and reality. Which are not as fulfilling as the thought that one day you and your family and friends will spend eternity together in some form of afterlife or another. (can I jsut say also..71 virgins for an eternity? <_<...do they stay virgins forever cus..well..71 virgins versus eternity..anyway just thought I'd ask..)
So..I got to the point where eventually I feared giving in to believing in a god cus I really really really do envy the purpose it can give people..if a rather blind adoring purpose..(yeah haven't quite gotten the condescending thing out of my system yet)
..Then one time I jsut decided I'd try to believe cus it'd be plaguing me forever otherwise...
and I couldn't...
O_o' I was like.. ok..so you wake up and the world suddenly belives that Harry Potter is completley true and that infact it's being hidden from us..<_< You are the only one who is pretty damned sure this is not true and so you try vainly to explain why it isn't "...why the hell would they publish a book about it if they didn't want us to know?!" ..and you get "It's a smoke screen, the original entries into the world have been erased and the people who revealed it to all us muggles have been obliviated so they cant ever tell anyone how to gain entry into their world or give any substantial evidence as to its existance"
"...wtf?"
<_< This is what I've experienced with religion.
I'd like to believe because life is pretty damned empty being an Athiest and an athiest that dosn't believe in free will at that either, but I cant and I do feel good that in the end the part that still believes in something like a core self or a "soul" if you must, also wants to believe that it is having the balls to acknowledge that it's going to die and that it's existance dosn't mean anything...it jsut happened and thats the end of it.
Oh and the final thought to end this rather verbose...thing.. -_-' god I wish I could be succint and to the point:
If it's all just cause and effect then take some joy in knowing that when you farted the other day, the whole universe had been leading up to that moment for hundreds of billions of years...
mrgreen