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New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness! 0.58602150537634 58.6% [ 327 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm] 0.16666666666667 16.7% [ 93 ]
[insert your own thoughts here] 0.24731182795699 24.7% [ 138 ]
Total Votes:[ 558 ]
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I think you wife is scapegoating her all out incompatibility with non-monogamy on Kayln. I think your wife is being a c**t, and has acted like a wretched human being. Personally, if I knew her I would unfriend her, and abandon her to the winds she has acted so badly.


I'm not really sure what to say about any of this.

When this all started, Kalyn and I tried to set down with my Wife and outline boundaries, I think I should have realized then, that this was doomed for failure. My wife didn't really want to talk about it. I just took that as her, being her, that's just how she's always been. But Kalyn tried to outline boundaries, so did I. How open were we going to be with everyone, family friends. How things like sex was going to work, what was okay what wasn't. Dates, spending time together, My wife said she was okay with a girlfriend, but she didn't want a wife. Kalyn understood that, and was completely okay with it.

Then later the next day, my Wife and I were texting one another:

In one of out text we're talking about the relationship dynamic, and my Wife tells me:

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Wife: We are separate people. So if I'm going to have a relationship with her its between me and her. And yours with you and her. You know?


Maybe Kalyn and I read to much into this? Because it wasn't too long after this that Kalyn and I took a trip down memory lane. Have you ever known you know something, but didn't realize it? Didn't say it because you knew, saying it would make it real? Words have power. There's something odd about realizing you've love someone for almost a year but never said it because you couldn't, you weren't allowed to. But now we were, or so we thought, and once you open Pandoras box no matter how much you want to you can't put it back.

Ultimately though, I think the real problem was Kalyn and I wanted to have this Poly relationship with my Wife, all my Wife wanted was a bestfriend she could have sex with.

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The "waking up to you making out with her" I feel is utter bullshit and was just her excuse to actually express her fee-fee's. She let you, she had the cowardice to LET YOU, fall in love with someone, and then pull the rug out from under you and your new found love. She is a c**t for this. She is a wretched human being for this. Yes, I know I am being judgmental.


I think there's quite a bit of brutal truth to this, and some maybe miscommunication on my part.


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The "waking up to you making out with her" I feel is utter bullshit and was just her excuse to actually express her fee-fee's. She let you,


This is, yeah accurate. She says its because she shouldn't have to force herself between us, take that as you will. That she felt left out and it made her feel horrible.

Kalyn and I, of course don't remember this. Could it have happened I guess, but Kalyn, My Wife, and I had quite a bit to drink, and just kinda fell asleep. And Kalyn only remembers holding my Wife all night.

I can't say if it happened, or if it was My Wife making it up or dreaming it.

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she had the cowardice to LET YOU, fall in love with someone, and then pull the rug out from under you and your new found love. She is a c**t for this. She is a wretched human being for this. Yes, I know I am being judgmental.


I know this sounds stupid, but have you ever taken a test, and you know you know the answer, but for the life of you you can't remember what it is? Then a few hours later the answer comes to you and its all you can think about?

That's how the love in this relationship started, or the closest think I can think to describe it. Kalyn and I worked together for the better part of a year, when we meet I had just lost my Mother, and she came with her own baggage. She told me her entire history and I didn't run, or think she was stupid, or cursed, or whatever other thinks she's like to say about herself. And for me, I could vent to her, I could cry to her, I remember one night I was closing and I just lost it, and she held me, and it was the safest I'd felt in a long time. She healed me and I healed her, we bother fell in love, but we both knew we couldn't act on it so we both didn't say it, we bottled it up and put it away. I don't think ether one of us thought about that coming into this. We came into this as friends and a few weeks later realized that spark was still there, and once we both said that curse, it couldn't be broken. No matter how much my Wife might want me to, or how easy she thinks it is.

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If your wife didn't like non-monogamy from the start (which I deeply feel she did) she has being LYING to you, to save face. Sure, to keep "peace" in the relationship, but she has lied, suppressed how she felt, and is just NOW showing her true colors after LETTING YOU fall in love with Kayln and pulling it all away from you. Personally, I think your wife is trash for doing this.


I think as long as it was sex and threesomes, she was okay with it all she wanted form this was a more permanent friend with benefits, but nothing she had to commit to. Once I said I loved Kalyn, she got jealous and like you said. "pull[ed] it all away from you."

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Then she didn't have the gods damn ovaries to tell you in person that she would divorce you for seeing Kayln, she tells Kaylen. ********. Cowardly. Trash. Your wife should have told you, and you alone. She did this to intentionally hurt Kayln. This is a typical bitchy move of "b***h my territory piss off slut." She told her, to emotionally damage her - on purpose. She did this to scare her off, abuse her love of you to shoo her away. This is unacceptable to me. This is what makes me hate your wife the most. This would be MY reason to divorce her. Malicious, intentional, emotional assault.


Up till now I've tried to give some clarification on thing that may have been misinterpreted, because I've come here looking for advice, and I just want to make sure you guys know what's going on. But this, wow, just wow, your right.

And she tells Kalyn this, doesn't tell me, but still wants to be friends with Kalyn. Kalyn agrees, trying to save my marriage because she believes this was all her fault. So later they come home, and I'm just confused, My Wife tells me that THEY have agreed to be just friends. So I'm wondering "Okay what does that mean for me and Kalyn?" does this just mean the dynamic of the relationship has changed form, from a all three of us being together romantically, to just me and My Wife, and just me and Kalyn and the two remain friends, but as you see my Wife made that choice for me. Later when the awkwardness is unbearable I go outside and talk to Kalyn, I can tell she's setting there devastated. We'd all made plans together, to go to Anime Conventions Kalyn has never been to one. We would watch Game of Thrones every Sunday. We talked about moving in together later on down the line.

My Wife was just talking about still doing some of these things with Kalyn, I sat there and watched as every word looked like it was a punch to Kalyns heart. Kalyns an actress, a beautiful and talented one. Once she puts up that wall, if you don't know what to look for to see past her BS you wont, more so if you don't want to.

So I took Kalyn outside we talked. Its how I found out about the treats My Wife made. Its when Kalyn told me My wife still wanted to be friends with her, even friends with benefits, but nothing more, and this love between me and her had to stop. Kalyn said she would stick around for a month or so, then just find and excuse to leave and cut contact, because she loved me, because she couldn't be the reason for my marriage to fall apart. I almost lost it, right there, had Kalyn not begged me not make her an excuse I think, I really do think I would have left my Wife right there, but Kalyn and I also wanted to salvage this relationship, as you see any attempts at compromise failed. We could all be friends, but if I pursued a relationship with Kalyn it would be cheating. Ironically enough I guess I'm cheating, not in the physical sense at least. Over the past few days I still talk to Kalyn, I still care about her, and we still tell one another that we love each other.

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Your wife walked you into a trap, and let it close around you. She is not cut out for non-monogamy, and now you are in love with someone. This could have easily been avoided if your wife spoke her mind, but she didn't. She made this mess you are in. To be said you also made this mess, but not NEARLY as much as your wife.


I know I'm not clean in this, the only one who is is the one who thinks its all her fault, all Kalyn did was love me back, and fall in love with my wife. And Maybe your right, maybe my Wife was only willing to try this for a bit to say she didn't like it and hopefully I'd never bring it up again.

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Sex goes down in frequency the longer you are together. That sexy spark leaves a lot of the time. This is normalcy. This is the life of a long term relationship. This happens to EVERYONE.

If you feel this much resentment, and want to salvage the marriage - sex positive couples therapy. Seriously. Your wife has done ******** up in my opinion. You have ******** up too, but not nearly as much as your lying, cowardly, wife. Remember, she let you fall in love with someone. She never spoke up. She let it happen.



I'm not naive enough to believe that sex doesn't go down if frequency, stress, life, all of it gets in the way, I know this. But, and I've talked to my wife about this. Does she love me? or does she love the concept of me if that makes sense. Because I don't know when it started, but at some point I didn't run out of passion, but I became the pet? I don't know how to describe it.

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You cannot shut off/kill love. You can ignore it and that is about it. You make it seem like a piece of legal paper makes your emotional connection with your wife somehow more than. I can solidly say that I have as much emotional connection with my husband, as I do my boyfriend. Neither is less than. And you can certainly have two wives. Not legally, but spiritually. There is nothing stopping you from having a wedding ceremony, or commitment ceremony with more than one person. You can legally only have one spouse, but it doesn't matter spiritually.


Thank you, thank you for understanding. I shouldn't be surprised.

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I would divorce at this point. You are clearly non-monogamous. Your wife has expressed non-monogamy disgusts her. Your wife is disgusted with a pretty core part of your being, your wife is disgusted by how you love. Do you honestly see this working out? Can you live with this for 30+ years?


Wow, just wow. Its not off the table. My wife and I said we'd try to work on us, I was up for it do you honestly think I want my marriage to fall apart? No, I really do love my wife, but I love Kalyn as well, she doesn't respect that, she can't comprehend that I can love both of them. She thinks its lust, and I just want her Okay to cheat.Last night I thought we were going to do something to work on us, but no my Wife carried on like nothing happened. I guess that's her way of working on us, thinking she's gotten what she wants and never talking about it again. The only reason I didn't say anything, remand complacent is because she hasn't been sleeping well, we keep fighting over this, and she had a long work day, tonight though I plan on talking about it, there's no excuse not to.

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Sometimes love is not enough to hold together a relationship. You may love your wife, and she love you - but she doesn't love all of you. Not the non-monogamous part of you.
You are not a bad person. You are not tainted. You got lead into emotional trap by a woman who couldn't/didn't express her true feelings to you until you were in over your head.

My verdict - pull the plug on this relationship with your wife, date Kayln - be happily non-monogamous with her.


Its something I've been thinking about, a lot. Kalyn wants me to just be happy, and my wife wants control I guess, she doesn't think she's wrong, I don't necessarily think anyone's wrong, more so just sometimes its not that easy, right or wrong, black and white, s**t just happens, and you react to it the way you will. And honestly that should make my choice easier, but it doesn't, but all of this gives me insight. Just talking about it and not being judged, is such a good feeling... exclaim
Blackrose_Knight's avatar

Devoted Pirate

TheWikkedJester


I'm not really sure what to say about any of this.

When this all started, Kalyn and I tried to set down with my Wife and outline boundaries, I think I should have realized then, that this was doomed for failure. My wife didn't really want to talk about it. I just took that as her, being her, that's just how she's always been. But Kalyn tried to outline boundaries, so did I. How open were we going to be with everyone, family friends. How things like sex was going to work, what was okay what wasn't. Dates, spending time together, My wife said she was okay with a girlfriend, but she didn't want a wife. Kalyn understood that, and was completely okay with it.

Then later the next day, my Wife and I were texting one another:

In one of out text we're talking about the relationship dynamic, and my Wife tells me:

Quote:
Wife: We are separate people. So if I'm going to have a relationship with her its between me and her. And yours with you and her. You know?


Maybe Kalyn and I read to much into this? Because it wasn't too long after this that Kalyn and I took a trip down memory lane. Have you ever known you know something, but didn't realize it? Didn't say it because you knew, saying it would make it real? Words have power. There's something odd about realizing you've love someone for almost a year but never said it because you couldn't, you weren't allowed to. But now we were, or so we thought, and once you open Pandoras box no matter how much you want to you can't put it back.

Ultimately though, I think the real problem was Kalyn and I wanted to have this Poly relationship with my Wife, all my Wife wanted was a bestfriend she could have sex with.

First let me say, I do apologize for the harshing against your wife. Something about her actions just really got under my skin. She still isn't on my "good list".

Poly works only if you have open and honest communication (frankly so does monogamy). If your wife just shut down, when you and Kayln brought this to her she just shot herself in the own foot. She wasn't being honest with herself, or with you. She wasn't advocating her needs. And because of this, she and you, ended up in a situation she couldn't handle.

This is not what an emotionally healthy, mature, adult does. I have a suspicion this behavior has continued in other ways - and she needs to knock it the ******** off. She is sabotaging y'all's marriage by not advocating her needs. The "put up and shut up" form of conflict avoidance does not work. At all. This behavior set alone warrants couples therapy. This alone will kill your marriage dead if it continues.

I very much know words have power. My boyfriend was my FwB for a good year. The day before he moved out of state for his Masters and to move in with his fiancee I confessed my love for him. I had held that in me, because I thought it wasn't reciprocated. That I was a good piece of a** on the side. The moment I let it out the world tipped over. But for the better.

I mean I do, and I don't understand why your wife couldn't maintain a ******** Buddy type set up with Kayln while you dated her. I mean your wife's jealousy is clearly in the way of that. As well as perhaps Kayln's possible (?) romantic feelings towards your wife. That is the set up I have with my boyfriend's fiancee. Its a workable situation at the very least.


TheWikkedJester
This is, yeah accurate. She says its because she shouldn't have to force herself between us, take that as you will. That she felt left out and it made her feel horrible.

Kalyn and I, of course don't remember this. Could it have happened I guess, but Kalyn, My Wife, and I had quite a bit to drink, and just kinda fell asleep. And Kalyn only remembers holding my Wife all night.

I can't say if it happened, or if it was My Wife making it up or dreaming it.

What she says, and what she has done say differently. I think this was lip service to you. To "keep the peace". To avoid conflict. Her taking Kayln aside and dropping the Divorce nuke on her head shouts she was lying. That was beyond out of line. Like I have no words for that. If my husband ever did that to me, used one of my lovers in such a horrible and abusive manner I would be the one serving those divorce papers. I would throw his s**t on the lawn, and change the locks. Dropping the D bomb should be done between a couple after careful consideration. To use a lover, to threaten a lover, to threaten YOU like that... its beyond reprehensible to me. She has taken your marriage hostage, she has a gun to your marriage's head when she does s**t like that.

If she felt left out, she needed to express that. Not sit on it, give you lip service and hollow "yes dears" and let fester into resentment. Again, her emotional stuffing - is going to destroy your marriage.

TheWikkedJester
I know this sounds stupid, but have you ever taken a test, and you know you know the answer, but for the life of you you can't remember what it is? Then a few hours later the answer comes to you and its all you can think about?

That's how the love in this relationship started, or the closest think I can think to describe it. Kalyn and I worked together for the better part of a year, when we meet I had just lost my Mother, and she came with her own baggage. She told me her entire history and I didn't run, or think she was stupid, or cursed, or whatever other thinks she's like to say about herself. And for me, I could vent to her, I could cry to her, I remember one night I was closing and I just lost it, and she held me, and it was the safest I'd felt in a long time. She healed me and I healed her, we bother fell in love, but we both knew we couldn't act on it so we both didn't say it, we bottled it up and put it away. I don't think ether one of us thought about that coming into this. We came into this as friends and a few weeks later realized that spark was still there, and once we both said that curse, it couldn't be broken. No matter how much my Wife might want me to, or how easy she thinks it is.

Lol I know that feeling very well. Funny how love grows in unexpected ways. Don't consider it a curse. Again, you can't kill love. I have tried so many times. So. Many. The best you can do is cut contact and ignore until the love fades to a little murmur instead of a megahorn.


TheWikkedJester
I think as long as it was sex and threesomes, she was okay with it all she wanted form this was a more permanent friend with benefits, but nothing she had to commit to. Once I said I loved Kalyn, she got jealous and like you said. "pull[ed] it all away from you."

You need to move from "I think" to "I know" and the only way to get there is for your wife to talk to you. Again, that situation is certainly doable - if your wife can work through her jealousy. I guess my real question is what do YOU want to do with this. This situation is so, you have a few workable options. Salvage between you, your wife, and Kayln, just salvage what is between you and your wife, salvage what is between you and Kayln sans your wife, or be totally single.

Again, I am gonna say, she knew you were falling in love. Or she has the emotional intelligence of a lobster. Your wife has had a fairly good run on a 8ish year marriage, so I am gonna say she is smarter than a lobster to make it this far.

She was lying to herself. She wasn't talking to you. She brought this on herself because she for some reason, didn't speak up. She shot her own foot pretty damn good.


TheWikkedJester
Up till now I've tried to give some clarification on thing that may have been misinterpreted, because I've come here looking for advice, and I just want to make sure you guys know what's going on. But this, wow, just wow, your right.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out the obvious. No fault of yours my dear.

TheWikkedJester
And she tells Kalyn this, doesn't tell me, but still wants to be friends with Kalyn. Kalyn agrees, trying to save my marriage because she believes this was all her fault. So later they come home, and I'm just confused, My Wife tells me that THEY have agreed to be just friends. So I'm wondering "Okay what does that mean for me and Kalyn?" does this just mean the dynamic of the relationship has changed form, from a all three of us being together romantically, to just me and My Wife, and just me and Kalyn and the two remain friends, but as you see my Wife made that choice for me. Later when the awkwardness is unbearable I go outside and talk to Kalyn, I can tell she's setting there devastated. We'd all made plans together, to go to Anime Conventions Kalyn has never been to one. We would watch Game of Thrones every Sunday. We talked about moving in together later on down the line.

My Wife was just talking about still doing some of these things with Kalyn, I sat there and watched as every word looked like it was a punch to Kalyns heart. Kalyns an actress, a beautiful and talented one. Once she puts up that wall, if you don't know what to look for to see past her BS you wont, more so if you don't want to.

Divorce, or serious discussion of divorce is between the married couple alone. What your wife did, as I have said, was extremely out line. She went behind your back, threatened Kayln (by holding the Divorce Gun to your marriage's head in front of her). That is just so not okay on so many levels. I honestly could not forgive someone for being this manipulative, this vindictive. I just couldn't. I dunno if you can mate. More to ya if you can. It is also to be said, I think your wife did this out of fear, fear of losing you, and struck like a cornered snake. Doesn't mean her bite was still venomous and extremely damaging - but I can kinda get why she did it. Still doesn't make it okay and there were totally other options for her to take.

Also, its to be said Kayln didn't have to take that bullshit your wife was throwing out. She could have left (I would have). Kayln is her own person in that respect and made her own choices.

TheWikkedJester
So I took Kalyn outside we talked. Its how I found out about the threats My Wife made. Its when Kalyn told me My wife still wanted to be friends with her, even friends with benefits, but nothing more, and this love between me and her had to stop. Kalyn said she would stick around for a month or so, then just find and excuse to leave and cut contact, because she loved me, because she couldn't be the reason for my marriage to fall apart. I almost lost it, right there, had Kalyn not begged me not make her an excuse I think, I really do think I would have left my Wife right there, but Kalyn and I also wanted to salvage this relationship, as you see any attempts at compromise failed. We could all be friends, but if I pursued a relationship with Kalyn it would be cheating. Ironically enough I guess I'm cheating, not in the physical sense at least. Over the past few days I still talk to Kalyn, I still care about her, and we still tell one another that we love each other.

Are you still thinking of leaving your wife? That is something to deeply reflect on. Ask yourself these things. Can you see yourself with your wife later down the road? What would it take to fix this? Are those things achievable between you and your wife? I like to contemplate and walk. I find it a good way to put my mind to task. But this is a seriously hard choice you need to make.

TheWikkedJester
I know I'm not clean in this, the only one who is is the one who thinks its all her fault, all Kalyn did was love me back, and fall in love with my wife. And Maybe your right, maybe my Wife was only willing to try this for a bit to say she didn't like it and hopefully I'd never bring it up again.

Everyone had a hand it this mess, but honestly, your wife had the biggest share. None of this would have gotten to this point if she just spoke up. I think a big thing here is figure out why, and what reasons, your wife kept silent. Those motives may also make or break the marriage.

Your wife seems again, really off put by polyamory. I don't think she can handle you loving more than one person. And I think you easily could handle it. That is enough to dissolve a marriage. That is utter sexual incompatibility and no amount of love, no amount of elbow grease can save a marriage. Its an extinction level event dude.

Here is the thing, there are GOING to be other Kayln's. You will fall in love again, and again. Are you willing to ignore those other women to stay with your wife? Are you okay with forgoing those possible romances to be married to your wife? Only you can answer that one. Your wife is clearly mostly monogamous (or romantically monogamous) and will not tolerate you falling in love with other people - which seems to happen to people you want to ********. So having a "******** buddy only" situation for you seems impossible.


TheWikkedJester
I'm not naive enough to believe that sex doesn't go down if frequency, stress, life, all of it gets in the way, I know this. But, and I've talked to my wife about this. Does she love me? or does she love the concept of me if that makes sense. Because I don't know when it started, but at some point I didn't run out of passion, but I became the pet? I don't know how to describe it.

Stress will eat your sex life alive. I think its a really, really bad sign you feel like a pet and not a partner though. That is some major power imbalance and I would also hazard resentment. I stand by my statement, if you do want to salvage the marriage you NEED couples therapy.


TheWikkedJester
Thank you, thank you for understanding. I shouldn't be surprised.

Love is a fickle thing. No worries.


TheWikkedJester
Wow, just wow. Its not off the table. My wife and I said we'd try to work on us, I was up for it do you honestly think I want my marriage to fall apart? No, I really do love my wife, but I love Kalyn as well, she doesn't respect that, she can't comprehend that I can love both of them. She thinks its lust, and I just want her Okay to cheat.Last night I thought we were going to do something to work on us, but no my Wife carried on like nothing happened. I guess that's her way of working on us, thinking she's gotten what she wants and never talking about it again. The only reason I didn't say anything, remand complacent is because she hasn't been sleeping well, we keep fighting over this, and she had a long work day, tonight though I plan on talking about it, there's no excuse not to.

I was just saying what I would do. I could not reconcile with my partner if they had done what your wife had done. It is also to be said I am not a very forgiving person. Its a character flaw of mine.

If she is phrasing consensual non-monogamy as "cheating" and then was willing to have a ******** buddy type thing with Kayln - she is being a hypocrite. Why is it permission to cheat with you, and just getting her rocks off with her? Its not logical, and it certainly isn't fair.

Not talking about the elephant in the room, doesn't make the elephant in the room shrink or disappear. If anything it makes the damn elephant bigger. You need to talk about this again - and your wife's avoidance behavior is not helping at all.


TheWikkedJester
Its something I've been thinking about, a lot. Kalyn wants me to just be happy, and my wife wants control I guess, she doesn't think she's wrong, I don't necessarily think anyone's wrong, more so just sometimes its not that easy, right or wrong, black and white, s**t just happens, and you react to it the way you will. And honestly that should make my choice easier, but it doesn't, but all of this gives me insight. Just talking about it and not being judged, is such a good feeling... exclaim

If I was in your shoes, I would pull away from Kayln (for the moment) to leave an open atmosphere to talk with your wife. I am going to hazard a guess your continual contact (yes, non romantic but just the contact itself) is making your wife stew in resentment. I would then try and ascertain your wife's true feelings on non-monogamy. None of that lip service bullshit she has been throwing down. Her honest, truthful, feelings.

Where does she stand on sexual contact only, ******** buddy, type things, where does she stand on sexual and romantic contact dating scenarios and where you stand on those issues. See where you match up, or conflict. See if those conflicts can be resolved. If they can't - are you willing to settle to be with your wife?

And don't worry about it. Feel free to PM me too, my inbox is always open. Or post here. Whatevers.
Yeah, I'm defiantly thinking about this, all of it. Trust me 8 years is not something I want to just throw away, but I'm not sure how to even start that conversation, both you, Kalyn and my best-friend of 18 years Kaylee all advocate this. My friend Kaylee also pointed something out to me, the Poly thing isn't something that just started with me in the past 5 years. I've always been like this, growing up it was Me, her, and our friend Lacey we all like one another, but never acted on it because we didn't even know poly was an option, and we were young, but it really is a core part of who I am. (I'm 26, by the way, so is my Wife and Kayln's 20)

Just to give you some insight from someone on the outside Kaylee like I said she's been my friend for 18 years so of course she's known my wife for the entirety of our relationship. She's in Sweden I kinda wish she was here so she could help meditate this, because it seems like every time I bring it up or try and talk about it, I'm just looking for an excuse to cheat, It goes back to me loving Kalyn, because she would never let herself do that because she loves me. You have no idea how deep hearing that cuts, and I've told her. I wonder if we would even be having this conversation if I came out as Bisexual, and not just Poly, probably not that's a wet dream of hers.

Anyways getting distracted this is what my best friend had to say:

Quote:

You can't be the only person who works on this. Ana has to talk too, not pretend nothing happened. I'm still so surprised that all of a sudden she isn't into a polyamorous relationship. I thought that was something you two really shared. I know it's really important to you, and may be a basis for divorce. I know it really hurts when you think about all the time you're going to lose, but you can remember the good times, like the ones you mentioned from earlier in your relationship. If you feel this strongly about Kaylyn, I think ana should try to work with you on making something work between the three of you. If she can't, but it's a core part of who you are, maybe you should start over with Kaylyn. Personally, I hope you guys can work something out. But I mostly want you to be happy, and you have the right to do what it takes to make that happen


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She went behind your back, threatened Kayln (by holding the Divorce Gun to your marriage's head in front of her)


Yeah, your right. And I can't forgive that, I've tried every time I think about it betrayal and anger fill me up. She wants to talk to me and Kalyn like we've done something wrong because we love one another, because we can't just shut that off, because we thought it was okay, and once that box was opened you can't close it. What kind of betrayal is using me to hurt her? How do I forgive that? I'm SURE she could try and justify it Like you said.

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I think your wife did this out of fear, fear of losing you, and struck like a cornered snake. Doesn't mean her bite was still venomous and extremely damaging - but I can kinda get why she did it. Still doesn't make it okay and there were totally other options for her to take.


But its not right or fair. Why do I have to consider her feelings when she wont even try to understand mine? ( Because I try to be a good husband)

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I very much know words have power. My boyfriend was my FwB for a good year. The day before he moved out of state for his Masters and to move in with his fiancee I confessed my love for him. I had held that in me, because I thought it wasn't reciprocated. That I was a good piece of a** on the side. The moment I let it out the world tipped over. But for the better.

I mean I do, and I don't understand why your wife couldn't maintain a ******** Buddy type set up with Kayln while you dated her. I mean your wife's jealousy is clearly in the way of that. As well as perhaps Kayln's possible (?) romantic feelings towards your wife. That is the set up I have with my boyfriend's fiancee. Its a workable situation at the very least.


Because in My Wife's head she had already decided Kalyn could be nothing more then a FwB. And in her justifications for not being interested in this she said " Its not fair to lead Kayln on, because I'm not looking for a wife. she would always be second." I would say no one knows what their going to think in a few years, or what ones capable of till their looking at it. Just like you and your FwB you didn't know until he was almost gone if I understand you correctly. And Kalyn She's willing to do that, its not her ideal situation, she doesn't want to be used, but she knows that a FwB can turn into real love this isn't her first poly relationship. And she REALLY tried her hardest to do everything right, open communication, talking out problems, backing off when she needed to, etc.

But Had I realized how ******** up thinks were already I wouldn't have tried this. You could say this was the slap in the face that woke me up to everything that's wrong.
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TheWikkedJester


But Had I realized how ******** up thinks were already I wouldn't have tried this. You could say this was the slap in the face that woke me up to everything that's wrong.
Maybe a different approach. I know I was the one who got my husband into poly. I did it slowly. Gave him books to read. I deeply recommend The Ethical Slut 2nd ed. paired with Opening Up All links take you to Amazon listings of the books.

I think the nature in which you "sprung" this on your wife may be a contributing factor too. I took it uber slow with my husband. How you have written seems like it was a faster move.

But at any rate you got a pickle on your hands. And you wifey needs to open up communication lines. Nothing can be solved, or dealt with if she refuses to talk about things. And ya know what, that is on her.
Blackrose_Knight
TheWikkedJester


But Had I realized how ******** up thinks were already I wouldn't have tried this. You could say this was the slap in the face that woke me up to everything that's wrong.
Maybe a different approach. I know I was the one who got my husband into poly. I did it slowly. Gave him books to read. I deeply recommend The Ethical Slut 2nd ed. paired with Opening Up All links take you to Amazon listings of the books.

I think the nature in which you "sprung" this on your wife may be a contributing factor too. I took it uber slow with my husband. How you have written seems like it was a faster move.

But at any rate you got a pickle on your hands. And you wifey needs to open up communication lines. Nothing can be solved, or dealt with if she refuses to talk about things. And ya know what, that is on her.
Yeah and like I keep saying thank you so much.
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So I'm now single. My partner had a crush on a guy online. I told her to explore those feelings because she'd never expressed interest in men before. She eventually decided she couldn't handle two people, I guess, and even after four years together she decided to keep her new relationship and downgrade us to good friends.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I had someone else as well but I don't. So I'm single again -_-.

And hello, long time lurker.

*edit*
I guess I'm really angry because she told me, in the midst of all this, that I should find a guy too. I tried, failed, and she nearly broke up with me for it a week before we actually ended it. I don't know what she expected. And I would have thought I should have taken precedence over a new relationship after all the loyalty I had shown her... but I suppose people feel the way they feel. The worst part is she still loves me. And of course I still love her. And now that we're broken up her boyfriend is all she can't have anyone else and if she did get back with me it would be over with him.

Men are ******** hounds. This is the second relationship I've had, out of two relationships, where my partner left me for someone either across the country or across a ******** ocean because of their internet communications.
Blackrose_Knight's avatar

Devoted Pirate

Crimsonkirie
So I'm now single. My partner had a crush on a guy online. I told her to explore those feelings because she'd never expressed interest in men before. She eventually decided she couldn't handle two people, I guess, and even after four years together she decided to keep her new relationship and downgrade us to good friends.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I had someone else as well but I don't. So I'm single again -_-.

And hello, long time lurker.

*edit*
I guess I'm really angry because she told me, in the midst of all this, that I should find a guy too. I tried, failed, and she nearly broke up with me for it a week before we actually ended it. I don't know what she expected. And I would have thought I should have taken precedence over a new relationship after all the loyalty I had shown her... but I suppose people feel the way they feel. The worst part is she still loves me. And of course I still love her. And now that we're broken up her boyfriend is all she can't have anyone else and if she did get back with me it would be over with him.

Men are ******** hounds. This is the second relationship I've had, out of two relationships, where my partner left me for someone either across the country or across a ******** ocean because of their internet communications.
Looks like another case of a partner not being honest to themselves, and others and they bit off more can they can chew. If they could handle poly, and they loved you, you would still be with them. So clearly one of those options is a lie your ex told themselves.

My best advice, cut contact for the moment. "Staying friends" after a messy break up like this is just self abuse.
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Blackrose_Knight

My best advice, cut contact for the moment. "Staying friends" after a messy break up like this is just self abuse.


I don't know that I could and feel good about it. I'm really the only friend she has. Her family is full of assholes. At least this time it's a little easier to let go than my last relationship. That one lasted eight years. This one only lasted half of that.

I'd really like to join up with the Chicago poly uder 40 group on meetup but the guy seems to be ignoring my request to join.

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