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- Posted: Sat, 14 Jun 2014 23:06:52 +0000
I think you wife is scapegoating her all out incompatibility with non-monogamy on Kayln. I think your wife is being a c**t, and has acted like a wretched human being. Personally, if I knew her I would unfriend her, and abandon her to the winds she has acted so badly.
I'm not really sure what to say about any of this.
When this all started, Kalyn and I tried to set down with my Wife and outline boundaries, I think I should have realized then, that this was doomed for failure. My wife didn't really want to talk about it. I just took that as her, being her, that's just how she's always been. But Kalyn tried to outline boundaries, so did I. How open were we going to be with everyone, family friends. How things like sex was going to work, what was okay what wasn't. Dates, spending time together, My wife said she was okay with a girlfriend, but she didn't want a wife. Kalyn understood that, and was completely okay with it.
Then later the next day, my Wife and I were texting one another:
In one of out text we're talking about the relationship dynamic, and my Wife tells me:
Wife: We are separate people. So if I'm going to have a relationship with her its between me and her. And yours with you and her. You know?
Maybe Kalyn and I read to much into this? Because it wasn't too long after this that Kalyn and I took a trip down memory lane. Have you ever known you know something, but didn't realize it? Didn't say it because you knew, saying it would make it real? Words have power. There's something odd about realizing you've love someone for almost a year but never said it because you couldn't, you weren't allowed to. But now we were, or so we thought, and once you open Pandoras box no matter how much you want to you can't put it back.
Ultimately though, I think the real problem was Kalyn and I wanted to have this Poly relationship with my Wife, all my Wife wanted was a bestfriend she could have sex with.
The "waking up to you making out with her" I feel is utter bullshit and was just her excuse to actually express her fee-fee's. She let you, she had the cowardice to LET YOU, fall in love with someone, and then pull the rug out from under you and your new found love. She is a c**t for this. She is a wretched human being for this. Yes, I know I am being judgmental.
I think there's quite a bit of brutal truth to this, and some maybe miscommunication on my part.
The "waking up to you making out with her" I feel is utter bullshit and was just her excuse to actually express her fee-fee's. She let you,
This is, yeah accurate. She says its because she shouldn't have to force herself between us, take that as you will. That she felt left out and it made her feel horrible.
Kalyn and I, of course don't remember this. Could it have happened I guess, but Kalyn, My Wife, and I had quite a bit to drink, and just kinda fell asleep. And Kalyn only remembers holding my Wife all night.
I can't say if it happened, or if it was My Wife making it up or dreaming it.
she had the cowardice to LET YOU, fall in love with someone, and then pull the rug out from under you and your new found love. She is a c**t for this. She is a wretched human being for this. Yes, I know I am being judgmental.
I know this sounds stupid, but have you ever taken a test, and you know you know the answer, but for the life of you you can't remember what it is? Then a few hours later the answer comes to you and its all you can think about?
That's how the love in this relationship started, or the closest think I can think to describe it. Kalyn and I worked together for the better part of a year, when we meet I had just lost my Mother, and she came with her own baggage. She told me her entire history and I didn't run, or think she was stupid, or cursed, or whatever other thinks she's like to say about herself. And for me, I could vent to her, I could cry to her, I remember one night I was closing and I just lost it, and she held me, and it was the safest I'd felt in a long time. She healed me and I healed her, we bother fell in love, but we both knew we couldn't act on it so we both didn't say it, we bottled it up and put it away. I don't think ether one of us thought about that coming into this. We came into this as friends and a few weeks later realized that spark was still there, and once we both said that curse, it couldn't be broken. No matter how much my Wife might want me to, or how easy she thinks it is.
If your wife didn't like non-monogamy from the start (which I deeply feel she did) she has being LYING to you, to save face. Sure, to keep "peace" in the relationship, but she has lied, suppressed how she felt, and is just NOW showing her true colors after LETTING YOU fall in love with Kayln and pulling it all away from you. Personally, I think your wife is trash for doing this.
I think as long as it was sex and threesomes, she was okay with it all she wanted form this was a more permanent friend with benefits, but nothing she had to commit to. Once I said I loved Kalyn, she got jealous and like you said. "pull[ed] it all away from you."
Then she didn't have the gods damn ovaries to tell you in person that she would divorce you for seeing Kayln, she tells Kaylen. ********. Cowardly. Trash. Your wife should have told you, and you alone. She did this to intentionally hurt Kayln. This is a typical bitchy move of "b***h my territory piss off slut." She told her, to emotionally damage her - on purpose. She did this to scare her off, abuse her love of you to shoo her away. This is unacceptable to me. This is what makes me hate your wife the most. This would be MY reason to divorce her. Malicious, intentional, emotional assault.
Up till now I've tried to give some clarification on thing that may have been misinterpreted, because I've come here looking for advice, and I just want to make sure you guys know what's going on. But this, wow, just wow, your right.
And she tells Kalyn this, doesn't tell me, but still wants to be friends with Kalyn. Kalyn agrees, trying to save my marriage because she believes this was all her fault. So later they come home, and I'm just confused, My Wife tells me that THEY have agreed to be just friends. So I'm wondering "Okay what does that mean for me and Kalyn?" does this just mean the dynamic of the relationship has changed form, from a all three of us being together romantically, to just me and My Wife, and just me and Kalyn and the two remain friends, but as you see my Wife made that choice for me. Later when the awkwardness is unbearable I go outside and talk to Kalyn, I can tell she's setting there devastated. We'd all made plans together, to go to Anime Conventions Kalyn has never been to one. We would watch Game of Thrones every Sunday. We talked about moving in together later on down the line.
My Wife was just talking about still doing some of these things with Kalyn, I sat there and watched as every word looked like it was a punch to Kalyns heart. Kalyns an actress, a beautiful and talented one. Once she puts up that wall, if you don't know what to look for to see past her BS you wont, more so if you don't want to.
So I took Kalyn outside we talked. Its how I found out about the treats My Wife made. Its when Kalyn told me My wife still wanted to be friends with her, even friends with benefits, but nothing more, and this love between me and her had to stop. Kalyn said she would stick around for a month or so, then just find and excuse to leave and cut contact, because she loved me, because she couldn't be the reason for my marriage to fall apart. I almost lost it, right there, had Kalyn not begged me not make her an excuse I think, I really do think I would have left my Wife right there, but Kalyn and I also wanted to salvage this relationship, as you see any attempts at compromise failed. We could all be friends, but if I pursued a relationship with Kalyn it would be cheating. Ironically enough I guess I'm cheating, not in the physical sense at least. Over the past few days I still talk to Kalyn, I still care about her, and we still tell one another that we love each other.
Your wife walked you into a trap, and let it close around you. She is not cut out for non-monogamy, and now you are in love with someone. This could have easily been avoided if your wife spoke her mind, but she didn't. She made this mess you are in. To be said you also made this mess, but not NEARLY as much as your wife.
I know I'm not clean in this, the only one who is is the one who thinks its all her fault, all Kalyn did was love me back, and fall in love with my wife. And Maybe your right, maybe my Wife was only willing to try this for a bit to say she didn't like it and hopefully I'd never bring it up again.
Sex goes down in frequency the longer you are together. That sexy spark leaves a lot of the time. This is normalcy. This is the life of a long term relationship. This happens to EVERYONE.
If you feel this much resentment, and want to salvage the marriage - sex positive couples therapy. Seriously. Your wife has done ******** up in my opinion. You have ******** up too, but not nearly as much as your lying, cowardly, wife. Remember, she let you fall in love with someone. She never spoke up. She let it happen.
I'm not naive enough to believe that sex doesn't go down if frequency, stress, life, all of it gets in the way, I know this. But, and I've talked to my wife about this. Does she love me? or does she love the concept of me if that makes sense. Because I don't know when it started, but at some point I didn't run out of passion, but I became the pet? I don't know how to describe it.
You cannot shut off/kill love. You can ignore it and that is about it. You make it seem like a piece of legal paper makes your emotional connection with your wife somehow more than. I can solidly say that I have as much emotional connection with my husband, as I do my boyfriend. Neither is less than. And you can certainly have two wives. Not legally, but spiritually. There is nothing stopping you from having a wedding ceremony, or commitment ceremony with more than one person. You can legally only have one spouse, but it doesn't matter spiritually.
Thank you, thank you for understanding. I shouldn't be surprised.
I would divorce at this point. You are clearly non-monogamous. Your wife has expressed non-monogamy disgusts her. Your wife is disgusted with a pretty core part of your being, your wife is disgusted by how you love. Do you honestly see this working out? Can you live with this for 30+ years?
Wow, just wow. Its not off the table. My wife and I said we'd try to work on us, I was up for it do you honestly think I want my marriage to fall apart? No, I really do love my wife, but I love Kalyn as well, she doesn't respect that, she can't comprehend that I can love both of them. She thinks its lust, and I just want her Okay to cheat.Last night I thought we were going to do something to work on us, but no my Wife carried on like nothing happened. I guess that's her way of working on us, thinking she's gotten what she wants and never talking about it again. The only reason I didn't say anything, remand complacent is because she hasn't been sleeping well, we keep fighting over this, and she had a long work day, tonight though I plan on talking about it, there's no excuse not to.
Sometimes love is not enough to hold together a relationship. You may love your wife, and she love you - but she doesn't love all of you. Not the non-monogamous part of you.
You are not a bad person. You are not tainted. You got lead into emotional trap by a woman who couldn't/didn't express her true feelings to you until you were in over your head.
My verdict - pull the plug on this relationship with your wife, date Kayln - be happily non-monogamous with her.
Its something I've been thinking about, a lot. Kalyn wants me to just be happy, and my wife wants control I guess, she doesn't think she's wrong, I don't necessarily think anyone's wrong, more so just sometimes its not that easy, right or wrong, black and white, s**t just happens, and you react to it the way you will. And honestly that should make my choice easier, but it doesn't, but all of this gives me insight. Just talking about it and not being judged, is such a good feeling... exclaim