Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Who is Morgan]

Mameoyashi

Well I can understand it somewhat, after all most people only hear about the fundamentalist religious polygamy that makes the news... in which case most of the time women and children are forced into things, abused, treated as posessions ect... So it's more of a misunderstanding in most cases. Which is another reason for making this thread, to help educate people on the subject matter and show that people can have very happy, healthy poly relationships smile

Bad for the children... eh. I don't get it either. It is highly dependant on how the children are treated, but that's no different than in any family setting. As long as it's not an abusive household... there shouldn't be any problem with it.

But what I don't get is why people think, for example, that you can ONLY DATE ONE PERSON. I mean, 30 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for a girl (or guy) to have a few people they took out on dates, unless they were "going steady" with someone, which was a pretty formal thing and was usually discussed. Nowadays, it's like, you go out for coffee with someone once or twice and you're their possession and only they, out of all the folks of their gender/sex, may take you out for coffee. Which seems silly. I dunno... It seems like monoamory has gotten out of control, in a way. How can a person find out who they have what in common with if they can't go out for coffee with multiple people? (or out for dinner, or dancing, or for a couple drinks, or whatever?) I was in a relationship as a teenager that lasted almost 4 years with a guy I had very little in common with. Honestly? If it wasn't a case of "I go out with him and only him" from the moment we first started going out, I would probably have seen that there were better people for me YEARS earlier and never gone through some of the things I went through.

[Pom Graines]

Who is Morgan

But what I don't get is why people think, for example, that you can ONLY DATE ONE PERSON. I mean, 30 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for a girl (or guy) to have a few people they took out on dates, unless they were "going steady" with someone, which was a pretty formal thing and was usually discussed. Nowadays, it's like, you go out for coffee with someone once or twice and you're their possession and only they, out of all the folks of their gender/sex, may take you out for coffee. Which seems silly. I dunno... It seems like monoamory has gotten out of control, in a way. How can a person find out who they have what in common with if they can't go out for coffee with multiple people? (or out for dinner, or dancing, or for a couple drinks, or whatever?) I was in a relationship as a teenager that lasted almost 4 years with a guy I had very little in common with. Honestly? If it wasn't a case of "I go out with him and only him" from the moment we first started going out, I would probably have seen that there were better people for me YEARS earlier and never gone through some of the things I went through.

Yeah, I am also a little confused about how the whole dating thing turned into just going steady right off hte hop. I understand that polyamory isn't for everyone, but even in monoamorous (hehe, it's nice to e able to use that word..) relationships I don't understand that possession as it does extend into friendships sometimes. When I was growing up about 80% of my friends were guys... so if ever I had a boyfriend who said I couldn't hang out with other guys because they got jealous...well... it just wouldn't work out.

Even so, I think that people are more just leaving out the 'getting to know you' dating, it's even in how we ask eachother out these days. Instead of asking people on dates we ask "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" Skipping dating and jumping into going steady. This may work fine and dandy when the person is, say, a friend of yours that you've known a long time and already know... but not as much for those who barely know the perso nthey are asking to go out with.

Call me old fashioned I guess (lol!) but I really do prefer the concept of dating and then going steady with someone...

[Sexical]

I'm confused about the title. Does it mean that you're against monogamy, or is it just another way to say polyamory without being redundant?

[Pom Graines]

Sexical

I'm confused about the title. Does it mean that you're against monogamy, or is it just another way to say polyamory without being redundant?

It's not that we're against monogamy or think it's wrong... it's just that polyamory is also called a form of "consentual non-monogamy". In short... yeah a way of not seeming as redundant in the title <.<

[Who is Morgan]

Mameoyashi

Who is Morgan

But what I don't get is why people think, for example, that you can ONLY DATE ONE PERSON. I mean, 30 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for a girl (or guy) to have a few people they took out on dates, unless they were "going steady" with someone, which was a pretty formal thing and was usually discussed. Nowadays, it's like, you go out for coffee with someone once or twice and you're their possession and only they, out of all the folks of their gender/sex, may take you out for coffee. Which seems silly. I dunno... It seems like monoamory has gotten out of control, in a way. How can a person find out who they have what in common with if they can't go out for coffee with multiple people? (or out for dinner, or dancing, or for a couple drinks, or whatever?) I was in a relationship as a teenager that lasted almost 4 years with a guy I had very little in common with. Honestly? If it wasn't a case of "I go out with him and only him" from the moment we first started going out, I would probably have seen that there were better people for me YEARS earlier and never gone through some of the things I went through.

Yeah, I am also a little confused about how the whole dating thing turned into just going steady right off hte hop. I understand that polyamory isn't for everyone, but even in monoamorous (hehe, it's nice to e able to use that word..) relationships I don't understand that possession as it does extend into friendships sometimes. When I was growing up about 80% of my friends were guys... so if ever I had a boyfriend who said I couldn't hang out with other guys because they got jealous...well... it just wouldn't work out.

Even so, I think that people are more just leaving out the 'getting to know you' dating, it's even in how we ask eachother out these days. Instead of asking people on dates we ask "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" Skipping dating and jumping into going steady. This may work fine and dandy when the person is, say, a friend of yours that you've known a long time and already know... but not as much for those who barely know the perso nthey are asking to go out with.

Call me old fashioned I guess (lol!) but I really do prefer the concept of dating and then going steady with someone...

I don't mean to sound stuck up, but I do think that this whole "Be my girlfriend" instead of "Let's go out sometime" thing is contributing to higher divorce rates. It could just be me. I just know that, had we gotten married like everyone assumed we would, my ex (the one I was with for nearly 4 years) and I would be divorced by now. I have no doubt. He was mean, abusive by times, we had little in common and, just to top everything off, he wanted 6 children, the first one to be named Ignatius, when I wanted no children.

With my current partner, there was no "do you want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever?" Heck, we were engaged through mutual agreement after a tonne of discussion before he actually "popped the question." Everything has been a natural evolution of discussion, getting to know each other and being best friends first and foremost and this is, honestly, the single most comfortable and comforting relationship I've ever been in. The only *major* stressor is the fact that we're 1400 miles apart. He's quite happy with his other partner as well (his other partner is gay and therefore it's unlikely his other partner and I would ever be more than friends) and we are comfortable, except for the lack of touch, which sucks rancid dicks.

I think that, if polyamory became more mainstream, we'd see a revival in dating, then going steady, even among monoamorous people and it would be better for individuals, relationships and society.

[Pom Graines]

Who is Morgan

I don't mean to sound stuck up, but I do think that this whole "Be my girlfriend" instead of "Let's go out sometime" thing is contributing to higher divorce rates. It could just be me. I just know that, had we gotten married like everyone assumed we would, my ex (the one I was with for nearly 4 years) and I would be divorced by now. I have no doubt. He was mean, abusive by times, we had little in common and, just to top everything off, he wanted 6 children, the first one to be named Ignatius, when I wanted no children.

With my current partner, there was no "do you want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever?" Heck, we were engaged through mutual agreement after a tonne of discussion before he actually "popped the question." Everything has been a natural evolution of discussion, getting to know each other and being best friends first and foremost and this is, honestly, the single most comfortable and comforting relationship I've ever been in. The only *major* stressor is the fact that we're 1400 miles apart. He's quite happy with his other partner as well (his other partner is gay and therefore it's unlikely his other partner and I would ever be more than friends) and we are comfortable, except for the lack of touch, which sucks rancid dicks.

I think that, if polyamory became more mainstream, we'd see a revival in dating, then going steady, even among monoamorous people and it would be better for individuals, relationships and society.

Just a question because I'm curious... if this guy was so mean, abusive and you two were generally incompatable...how did you ever manage to stay with him for four years? I don't know if I could put up with that for that long myself...

But otherwise, I also think that people are jumping into things like marriage without enough thought as well. I know plenty of people who pop and accept the question while they're still in the euphoric, NRE, honeymoon phase of a relationship... so when that dissolves generally the marriage does as well. Peer pressure to marry certainly doesn't help much. "You've been going out for a year... ssoooo when are you going to get married?" is something I've heard plenty of times before....

But I don't find this exclusive to monoamorous couples to be honest. A lot of people jump into all sorts of steady relationships without enough discussion and thinking on the matter. The fact that even asking the question is a very on the spot sort of thing... and people generally assume when you don't want to respond right away that it's an automatic no... So I'm not sure if I agree that we'd see a revival of dating then going steady. One could hope..but...hm.

I'm sort of glad my relationship with A progressed as it did, we never really asked the question "will you be my...?" it just sort of...happened. We ended up setting a date that we 'got together' just to have an excuse to have a calm, romantic weekend to ourselves that we can't plan things on (because as it is...we're fairly social and busy people especially on weekends). It was such a natural progression the only way I remember even the date we set for our 'anniversary' is because it was also a very amusing failed convention date and a convention we go to yearly is exactly 6 months away [yay for setting dates to remember!]

Things with W+M are different though, that's happening with a lot more discussion. Nothing's for sure yet, M is still working through some things, but we're all here and supportive and I'm at least hopeful with the situation. So it's really completely to opposite of what me and A did together where it was no talking, just progressing naturally to talking SO much. It's funny that way smile

[Who is Morgan]

Mameoyashi

Just a question because I'm curious... if this guy was so mean, abusive and you two were generally incompatable...how did you ever manage to stay with him for four years? I don't know if I could put up with that for that long myself...

But otherwise, I also think that people are jumping into things like marriage without enough thought as well. I know plenty of people who pop and accept the question while they're still in the euphoric, NRE, honeymoon phase of a relationship... so when that dissolves generally the marriage does as well. Peer pressure to marry certainly doesn't help much. "You've been going out for a year... ssoooo when are you going to get married?" is something I've heard plenty of times before....

I stayed with him for four years because I thought that was how things were supposed to be. I'd never dated anyone else. I didn't have many girlfriends to talk about relationships with (I've always hung out with guys). When my friends once saw him pick me up by my throat, they shrugged it off and didn't say anything. I thought what he was doing was okay. I thought it was normal and to be expected. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought that was what reality was. I was young and foolish. If I'd been able to hang out with other people (he took up almost all my time and generally controlled who I got to see outside of school) or date other people, I would have seen it sooner.

I also think that the peer pressure to move forward with things is a major problem. It's stupid. Marriage is designed to be a lifelong commitment (though I recognise some traditions that use other things such as handfasting and they simply legally marry to get the legal recognition and it isn't always designed as a lifelong union). Why is it that a year or a month or six months is considered the indicator for the rest of your life?

[Pom Graines]

Who is Morgan

I stayed with him for four years because I thought that was how things were supposed to be. I'd never dated anyone else. I didn't have many girlfriends to talk about relationships with (I've always hung out with guys). When my friends once saw him pick me up by my throat, they shrugged it off and didn't say anything. I thought what he was doing was okay. I thought it was normal and to be expected. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought that was what reality was. I was young and foolish. If I'd been able to hang out with other people (he took up almost all my time and generally controlled who I got to see outside of school) or date other people, I would have seen it sooner.

I also think that the peer pressure to move forward with things is a major problem. It's stupid. Marriage is designed to be a lifelong commitment (though I recognise some traditions that use other things such as handfasting and they simply legally marry to get the legal recognition and it isn't always designed as a lifelong union). Why is it that a year or a month or six months is considered the indicator for the rest of your life?

It's totally not stupid Morgan sad Especially since it was your first relationship and others who saw hte abuse weren't talking to you about it being wrong or trying to help you. Honestly if I saw anyone picking another person up by the throat I don't know how I could sit by and just let it happen, that's horrible I'm really sorry that you had to go through that especially for so long sad I'm really happy that you're in a much healthier relationshp now.

I don't know, it's silly really. Though to be fair I do know people who have married early in the relationship and it's worked out stunningly for them. It's all a personal preference thing, but I don't think people should be expected to do more than what they feel comfortable with at the time.

[Tintofevil]

I think its more natural if humans actually were polyamourous. Animals are, and for a human to want to be with one person for 50+ years is so astronomical to me. I work in a nursing home, and we have a few couples, and they all despise each other. Its really depressing to see.

I myself am a female with lots of needs & demands quite a bit of attention. It would be quite easier on my fiancee if he allowed us other partners, but he thinks relationships would crumble because of it. I cant say I am entirely disatisfied because he is what you would call my "soul mate" & I dont really need much more than him, but it would be less stressful for him heh.

[Pom Graines]

Tintofevil

I think its more natural if humans actually were polyamourous. Animals are, and for a human to want to be with one person for 50+ years is so astronomical to me. I work in a nursing home, and we have a few couples, and they all despise each other. Its really depressing to see.

I myself am a female with lots of needs & demands quite a bit of attention. It would be quite easier on my fiancee if he allowed us other partners, but he thinks relationships would crumble because of it. I cant say I am entirely disatisfied because he is what you would call my "soul mate" & I dont really need much more than him, but it would be less stressful for him heh.

Well, in successful polyamorous relationships (...or at least polyfidelous relationships such as a closed triad), then the idea would be to be with someone(s ) for 50+ years... Personally I'm not against the idea of 'mating for life' (which as far as I recall does still happen to some species in the animal kingdom?). I'm not against monoamorous relationships if that works for the people invovled with them. I'm just for polyamorous relationships if that is what the people feel is best for them.

I agree it is depressing when old couples despise eachother, but I know plenty of old folks who are quite happy with their lives and their marriage... I suppose it depends on the people really.

Though I don't really agree that making a relationship polyamorous automatically makes it crumble, it could be just up to his personal feelings on how he'd handle it and such so you both know the relationship better than me, so it could be true in your case. Well, as long as this relationship you're in still makes you happy. smile

[offtopic] nice tattoo by the by [/offtopic] XD

[raven3gg]

Quote:

@Inverted Hybrid: In fact yes, I've told my mother directly about being polyamorous and about communications with friends who may become a part of a quad with me and A. Sad to say she didn't take it very well. But she grew up in a very Catholic household (my grandparents from my mom's side were talking about one of my aunt's funerals being a horrible thing... she was still Christian, just a different denomination. The way they were talking you would think she was a [litteral] devil worshippper or something). The reason I came out to my mom was because my brother recently made a joke about being in a polyamorous triad which she believed and was okay with until he said he was kidding an hour or so after the conversation started. So, she said she was okay with it, coming out should be a snap, right? No. She doesn't understand, she is denying I'm even polyamorous and she's very not comfortable with it. But she was never comfortable with my relationship with A even when she thought that we were monogamous. But... she's getting a little better. The key is talking and explaining, giving them the resources to research it and read things for themselves.

I was in this odd triad relationship/friendship for a while, but somebody saw me making out with one of them and ratted me out to my mother, and she was so pissed when I tried to explain the situation as best as I could to her. Since I was pretty much winging the whole triad-thing, it...was confusing...and hard to explain to myself...let alone another person...is just was. A really long story...but it was good while it lasted still close to one of them...the other and I sorta drifted apart since she would often go for several weeks since she didn't feel like talking to me. >_<

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

Who is Morgan

Mameoyashi

Well I can understand it somewhat, after all most people only hear about the fundamentalist religious polygamy that makes the news... in which case most of the time women and children are forced into things, abused, treated as posessions ect... So it's more of a misunderstanding in most cases. Which is another reason for making this thread, to help educate people on the subject matter and show that people can have very happy, healthy poly relationships smile

Bad for the children... eh. I don't get it either. It is highly dependant on how the children are treated, but that's no different than in any family setting. As long as it's not an abusive household... there shouldn't be any problem with it.

But what I don't get is why people think, for example, that you can ONLY DATE ONE PERSON. I mean, 30 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for a girl (or guy) to have a few people they took out on dates, unless they were "going steady" with someone, which was a pretty formal thing and was usually discussed. Nowadays, it's like, you go out for coffee with someone once or twice and you're their possession and only they, out of all the folks of their gender/sex, may take you out for coffee. Which seems silly. I dunno... It seems like monoamory has gotten out of control, in a way. How can a person find out who they have what in common with if they can't go out for coffee with multiple people? (or out for dinner, or dancing, or for a couple drinks, or whatever?) I was in a relationship as a teenager that lasted almost 4 years with a guy I had very little in common with. Honestly? If it wasn't a case of "I go out with him and only him" from the moment we first started going out, I would probably have seen that there were better people for me YEARS earlier and never gone through some of the things I went through.

Yeah...out of control is a good description I mean, especially with younger people, it seems like they think that having coffee once or twice is a commitment.

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

Mameoyashi

Sexical

I'm confused about the title. Does it mean that you're against monogamy, or is it just another way to say polyamory without being redundant?

It's not that we're against monogamy or think it's wrong... it's just that polyamory is also called a form of "consentual non-monogamy". In short... yeah a way of not seeming as redundant in the title <.<

Also provides a definition, and clarifies that we are talking about consensual non-monogamy, as opposed to the other kind.

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

Who is Morgan

Mameoyashi

Who is Morgan

But what I don't get is why people think, for example, that you can ONLY DATE ONE PERSON. I mean, 30 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for a girl (or guy) to have a few people they took out on dates, unless they were "going steady" with someone, which was a pretty formal thing and was usually discussed. Nowadays, it's like, you go out for coffee with someone once or twice and you're their possession and only they, out of all the folks of their gender/sex, may take you out for coffee. Which seems silly. I dunno... It seems like monoamory has gotten out of control, in a way. How can a person find out who they have what in common with if they can't go out for coffee with multiple people? (or out for dinner, or dancing, or for a couple drinks, or whatever?) I was in a relationship as a teenager that lasted almost 4 years with a guy I had very little in common with. Honestly? If it wasn't a case of "I go out with him and only him" from the moment we first started going out, I would probably have seen that there were better people for me YEARS earlier and never gone through some of the things I went through.

Yeah, I am also a little confused about how the whole dating thing turned into just going steady right off hte hop. I understand that polyamory isn't for everyone, but even in monoamorous (hehe, it's nice to e able to use that word..) relationships I don't understand that possession as it does extend into friendships sometimes. When I was growing up about 80% of my friends were guys... so if ever I had a boyfriend who said I couldn't hang out with other guys because they got jealous...well... it just wouldn't work out.

Even so, I think that people are more just leaving out the 'getting to know you' dating, it's even in how we ask eachother out these days. Instead of asking people on dates we ask "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" Skipping dating and jumping into going steady. This may work fine and dandy when the person is, say, a friend of yours that you've known a long time and already know... but not as much for those who barely know the perso nthey are asking to go out with.

Call me old fashioned I guess (lol!) but I really do prefer the concept of dating and then going steady with someone...

I don't mean to sound stuck up, but I do think that this whole "Be my girlfriend" instead of "Let's go out sometime" thing is contributing to higher divorce rates. It could just be me. I just know that, had we gotten married like everyone assumed we would, my ex (the one I was with for nearly 4 years) and I would be divorced by now. I have no doubt. He was mean, abusive by times, we had little in common and, just to top everything off, he wanted 6 children, the first one to be named Ignatius, when I wanted no children.

With my current partner, there was no "do you want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever?" Heck, we were engaged through mutual agreement after a tonne of discussion before he actually "popped the question." Everything has been a natural evolution of discussion, getting to know each other and being best friends first and foremost and this is, honestly, the single most comfortable and comforting relationship I've ever been in. The only *major* stressor is the fact that we're 1400 miles apart. He's quite happy with his other partner as well (his other partner is gay and therefore it's unlikely his other partner and I would ever be more than friends) and we are comfortable, except for the lack of touch, which sucks rancid dicks.

I think that, if polyamory became more mainstream, we'd see a revival in dating, then going steady, even among monoamorous people and it would be better for individuals, relationships and society.

I have nothing to say other than HELL YES!

[Davoth]

I support poeple in these kind of relationships. If you can spread the love around then all the better. I wouldn't mind being in one, but I can't hold on a single girlfriend. ********, it's even hard for me to keep my friends!