Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

Rainbow Treats

Hello all, I am so happy I found this.

Before I start I just want to say I am young (well in some people's eyes) I am sixteen.

So I have always like the idea of sexual having multiple partners, ever since my hormones started to develop. Now, mostly over the past month, I have begun to think about being in a relationship with multiple partners. As I was reading through your terms about different relationships I find myself drawn to the triangle andthe square with the x's through it.

I know I am young and that is why I seaked this out. I want your opinions and advice, could this just be a phase or maybe more?

Very confused. =(

Well, it could be a phase. Or it could be just your natural development. The thing is, just because you're young doesn't mean you can't know yourself or start exploring different relationship styles. After all, isn't that what youth is for, to figure out what you like and dislike so you can move forward with that into adulthood?

I've always leaned towards polyamory and made many mistakes in highschool and have had many nights laying awake because of seemingly contradictory feelings that I "should" feel guilty about. If I would have explored the option of polyamory, if I would have known about it as an option, I probably would have known a lot more about myself a lot sooner. But the potential of what I could have done had I realised these feelings I was having weren't "wrong", the possibilities of everything I could have explored are lost forever and I'm never getting them back. Personally I built myself into the monogamous lifestyle at such a young age..and five years later look at me, disagreeing with what I was doing back then. For me monogamy was a phase, lol.

If you go forward with polyamory in your lifestyle and as you go into more relationships... and later on find that it's not right for you then that's OK! It's a learning experience, and as you grow you'll keep having more of them. So if it ends up being "just a phase"...why should that be a bad thing? Everything is 'just a phase' in one sense or another, but they are all learning experiences.

Just do what you're comfortable with and what makes you happy.

[Rosebud Tisane]

I've never heard of this before. It is very interesting! I'd be more comfortable with having 1 partner, but I'm interested in what other people like...

[Pom Graines]

Thelastcupcake

I've never heard of this before. It is very interesting! I'd be more comfortable with having 1 partner, but I'm interested in what other people like...

Glad to be able to help inform you on the subject :3 If you have any questions not seen on the front page please feel free to ask questions and such.

[Pom Graines]

Saaaaandy

my boyfriend is the only person i could ever love.
so- i really do not understand this.
can someone explain the purpose of having more than one partner?

The purpose is hardly any different than a monogamous couple's purpose. You love eachother, you get together, because it makes you happy and fulfilled.

However if you're meaning to ask why do polyamorous people want or need more than one partner... that is a tricky thing to answer because it's very individualistic and highly dependant on the person.

For me... well. I believe in the capability of loving more than one person at a time, I have loved more than one person at the same time. I don't want to have to surpress and repress that feeling because it's unconventional. As long as everyone is okay and happy with the arrangement, I don't see why I shouldn't be able to express that love that I feel.

((Small edit: Also it's brought me and A (partner of 3.5 years) closer as a result of the branching into polyamory thing. I get all excited when he says he's going out for coffee with someone he met, and he's happy when I go out with someone I met and we share talks on how it went, feelings and emotions along the way. It adds a whole new dimension to things.))

Xeromag's "Polyamory for the Monogamous" is a great article for explaining possible reasons for why polyamorous people are the way they are in words much more eloquent than my short explaination., if you're really curious I'd give it a read.

(Also if you have a looonngg time there is also Mono/Poly Dialogue where it records an actual conversation between a monogamous person and a polyamorous person, and it's quite interesting to read. Though it is very long, I've only gotten around halfway through myself but keep meaning to get back to it because it is interesting to see the back and forth).

[Who is Morgan]

I have been in two different poly relationships before my current one. Both ended badly, but I would happily do it again. Their ending had nothing to do with them being poly and everything to do with incompatibility of the people in the relationships. Had they been monogamous, they would have failed eventually, too. And I think that, had they been monogamous, they would have lasted longer and been more painful when they ended because poly relationships are, IMO, more stressful (particularly the second one I was in, which was a "closed triad" ) because there are more people playing off one another. It's not that they're more stressful on the individual, it's that there's more stress on the actual relationship itself.

My current relationship, is poly, but my fiancé's other partner is about the same distance away from him as I am (we're very long distance) so I don't feel insecure about being left or forgotten due to convenience. I know it's a silly fear, and I'm trying to get over it, but it's a fear I have if my fiancé found a partner closer to him. I don't feel it would be fair to open our relationship to anyone nearer to him because it would trigger insecurity in me and you can't open a relationship to more people when it's unstable.

[raven3gg]

So um, does anybody ever dealt with parents finding out you have a polyamorous streak? Had experience with it, don't feel like spilling right now.

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

Saaaaandy

my boyfriend is the only person i could ever love.
so- i really do not understand this.
can someone explain the purpose of having more than one partner?

If you love more than one person, then being with both of them in an honest and consensual way is better than either cheating or being without one of them.

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

Inverted Hybrid

So um, does anybody ever dealt with parents finding out you have a polyamorous streak? Had experience with it, don't feel like spilling right now.

Yeah, but it wasn't a big deal.

[Delightful_FOOL]

Wow, this is awesome! Hello, all, nice to meet you.

So, I've always found it easy to love multiple people (in more than a platonic way), but have never been in a poly reltaionship. My fiancee has accepted this, and we've even talked about adding another partner. Thing is, I don't think he's really a poly, and would be down for it simply because there'd be another girl that he could have sex with and not get in trouble for it. It makes me a little uneasy, because I don't want this other partner to be put in a position like that. I mean, it's not really fair to them. Also, I would feel guilty being in two seperate relationships, were I'm the only common denominator...

[Pom Graines]

@ Who is Morgan: Sorry to hear things didn't work out in the past, glad to see that you have a decent thing going right now with your fiance. However I do think that if you do want to make the poly-relationship last you are going to have to work through these feelings of insecurity, though it sounds as though it would probably help if there wasn't as much distance between your fiance and you right now. I hope that things continue working well for you in the future.

@Inverted Hybrid: In fact yes, I've told my mother directly about being polyamorous and about communications with friends who may become a part of a quad with me and A. Sad to say she didn't take it very well. But she grew up in a very Catholic household (my grandparents from my mom's side were talking about one of my aunt's funerals being a horrible thing... she was still Christian, just a different denomination. The way they were talking you would think she was a [litteral] devil worshippper or something). The reason I came out to my mom was because my brother recently made a joke about being in a polyamorous triad which she believed and was okay with until he said he was kidding an hour or so after the conversation started. So, she said she was okay with it, coming out should be a snap, right? No. She doesn't understand, she is denying I'm even polyamorous and she's very not comfortable with it. But she was never comfortable with my relationship with A even when she thought that we were monogamous. But... she's getting a little better. The key is talking and explaining, giving them the resources to research it and read things for themselves.

However! All hope is not lost. I know a lot of people whose parents have accepted their polyamorous relationships whole heartedly. It really depends on the parent.

@Delightful_FOOL: There isn't anything to feel guilty about. As long as the two people are consenting to the relationship and are happy then everything is fine. It's all about making sure you and your partners are happy, and if this makes you happy... there isn't a problem. You're not doing anything wrong as long as no one is disagreeing and against the relationship as a whole.

However you should talk to your boyfriend about the polyamorous thing... after all just because you like someone and they like you back doesn't mean they'll want to sleep with your fiancee. It's possible to find someone who would be open to that, but that doesn't come automatically as a perk to dating a poly-person and he should understand that. If you do want a lasting relationship he hould know that you're serious about it and it's not just about sex for you. Keep in mind mono/poly relationships can work out well, but communication and understanding are key to the relationship.

[Who is Morgan]

Mameoyashi

@ Who is Morgan: Sorry to hear things didn't work out in the past, glad to see that you have a decent thing going right now with your fiance. However I do think that if you do want to make the poly-relationship last you are going to have to work through these feelings of insecurity, though it sounds as though it would probably help if there wasn't as much distance between your fiance and you right now. I hope that things continue working well for you in the future.

We're working on it. It seriously is a matter of me being far away. I get to see my fiancé twice a year and it makes me jealous that other people get to touch him. We're working on getting my visa so I can live with him. I'm very touch oriented. So that makes it WAAAY harder. We have more of a V going on--I have virtually no contact with his other partner. Not because I like it that way or we don't get along or anything, but because our schedules don't mesh to have contact outside email very often.

[Pom Graines]

Who is Morgan

We're working on it. It seriously is a matter of me being far away. I get to see my fiancé twice a year and it makes me jealous that other people get to touch him. We're working on getting my visa so I can live with him. I'm very touch oriented. So that makes it WAAAY harder. We have more of a V going on--I have virtually no contact with his other partner. Not because I like it that way or we don't get along or anything, but because our schedules don't mesh to have contact outside email very often.

Well it's good to hear that it should get better once you're close together. Good luck with the visa and the move, I know they can be challenging things sometimes...

[Who is Morgan]

Mameoyashi

Who is Morgan

We're working on it. It seriously is a matter of me being far away. I get to see my fiancé twice a year and it makes me jealous that other people get to touch him. We're working on getting my visa so I can live with him. I'm very touch oriented. So that makes it WAAAY harder. We have more of a V going on--I have virtually no contact with his other partner. Not because I like it that way or we don't get along or anything, but because our schedules don't mesh to have contact outside email very often.

Well it's good to hear that it should get better once you're close together. Good luck with the visa and the move, I know they can be challenging things sometimes...

Oh yes. We've been planning the visa application and move for over a year, but we only got the application in last month, so we've got close to a year of more waiting. crying

But yeah, imo, I don't see why people go all "OMG POLY BAD." The other thing I don't get is why people get all "IT'S BAD FOR THE CHILDREN!" That really depends on the people. In, for example, a closed triad, I can't imagine how having THREE parents to love you and take care of you and make sure you have everything you need would be bad.

[Pom Graines]

Who is Morgan

Oh yes. We've been planning the visa application and move for over a year, but we only got the application in last month, so we've got close to a year of more waiting. crying

But yeah, imo, I don't see why people go all "OMG POLY BAD." The other thing I don't get is why people get all "IT'S BAD FOR THE CHILDREN!" That really depends on the people. In, for example, a closed triad, I can't imagine how having THREE parents to love you and take care of you and make sure you have everything you need would be bad.

Well I can understand it somewhat, after all most people only hear about the fundamentalist religious polygamy that makes the news... in which case most of the time women and children are forced into things, abused, treated as posessions ect... So it's more of a misunderstanding in most cases. Which is another reason for making this thread, to help educate people on the subject matter and show that people can have very happy, healthy poly relationships smile

Bad for the children... eh. I don't get it either. It is highly dependant on how the children are treated, but that's no different than in any family setting. As long as it's not an abusive household... there shouldn't be any problem with it.