Frequently Asked Questions
This section is for questions that are NOT covered in posts 3 and 4. We'll try to keep this updated with questions people have asked in the thread as well as a short vocabulary section with terms that may pop up from time to time in the thread.
Q. When you love multiple people at the same time, do you love them all equally much or is it possible that there are multiple degrees in how much you like them?
A. The answer, is a bit complicated, because it varies. Relationships are part of a growing process, so if you ask whether I love my boyfriend as much as I love someone I just started dating... odds are, the love probably isn't at the same level. But once the relationship is established and has been going on for awhile... yes the love is equal. But that is how I do relationships.
Some polyamorous relationships work differently, working with "primary" and "secondary" ("tertiary" ect) relationships, valuing the primary above the secondary and ect. That doesn't necessarily mean that the love is different levels though, just priority I suppose. Since I don't work on the relationship hierarchy scheme I probably can't do it justice with my explanation. (If you can explain the primary/secondary/ect relationship scheme better, please post and your answer may show up here!)
Q. When they are not polyamorous and you are, when it comes so naturally to you but not to your partner, then what do you do?
A. You talk to your partner about the situation. You'd be surprised there are many mono/poly relationships out there, one partner being polyamorous the other partner being monogamous and it works out very well. It takes a lot of communication, trust and honesty (just as with all healthy relationships!) but it can work out. Not for everyone, mind you, some people just cannot handle polyamory (or refuse to accept it) and that happens. If your partner cannot handle you being in a polyamorous you need to make a decision for yourself, if you can handle and be happy in a monogamous relationship, stay, but if you cannot...leave.
In the end it's not worth one person sacrificing their happiness for the sake of a relationship, one should not be forced into a polyamorous relationship if they are not comfortable with it, but likewise one should not be forced into a monogamous relationship if they are not comfortable with it. If there is absolutely no way you could be happy in a monogamous relationship, and absolutely no way your partner could be happy in a polyamorous relationship then you really have to re-examine the relationship. Are you really right for each other if one of you has to sacrifice a part of their happiness to force it to work?
Q. How do you broach the topic of polyamory to a monogamous partner?
A. Bringing up the topic of polyamory can be a very tricky subject to start with. I'm quite lucky myself because I've never actually had to think about how to bring it up with my current partner, because by the time me and my boyfriend started dating we'd already talked about our philosophies of relationships and found both of us would prefer something that wasn't monogamous (started out as an open/swinging style relationship which progressed slowly (and quite naturally for us) into polyamory.) This being said... I have had to debate and wade my way through how to bring it up with other people (friends, family, potential lovers...) so I do have some experience trying to explain myself.
I find one of the better tactics would be to take things slowly, do small things to test out the water first. First make a joke, then transition into hypothetical scenarios that are with John and Jane Doe, see how those go, how your partner reacts to them. If it seems positive slowly introduce the idea that you are polyamorous to your partner, let them ask questions, give them part of the literature associated with polyamory (either websites, youtube videos, books...). I think the slow transition from jokes, to philosophy, to hypothetical, to explaining your feelings works the best in those situations. I'm all for honesty, I believe it is one of the keystones to a happy, healthy relationship, but at the same time it doesn't have to be blunt slap-in-the-face style honesty.
Q. Do you think polyamory is only something for people without children?
A. Polyamory is not just for people without children, there are many happy healthy families out there where everyone is involved with raising the kids. It can be quite healthy for the child as well because more often than not in polyamorous families they'll always have a parental figure there for them, even if the biological parents aren't around at the time. These things really aren't terribly different than with monogamous parents except there can be a greater support network for the child, think about it really, with the amount of people in the home (living with everyone under one roof) it would be like having an extended family around all the time. Personally I grew up in a large family where I was around extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) most of the time anyway so it seems little different to me.
There can be some challenges, such as explaining the relationship to the child, children dealing with the fact that their family is different than other kid's families at school and ect.
But I think with everything it's a matter of keeping it calm and keeping the explanations and answers to questions age appropriate and just like how it is with monogamous parents you keep the sex and such behind closed and locked doors, but the affection (hugging, light kissing, holding hands, ect) should be fine to be out in the open.
But those are my views on the matter, every parent is different, some polyamorous people chose not to tell their children, or at least not tell them until they are older [mid-teens/adults].
As for words from a teenager from a polyamorous family there is an article
here on the subject as well as
Polyamorous Percolations has a section on "Poly and Parenting" which may prove helpful because it has things for parents such as coming out to your kids as well as forthings for kids to help coping with being 'different' [right hand side, bottom link under "Polyamory Issues"].
Have a question? ASK! smile
Vocabulary
1. NRE = New Relationship Energy
This is often described as the beginning stages of a relationship where everything is seen through rose-coloured glasses. Everything is fresh, new and exciting. Almost every relationship goes through this phase be it poly or mono. Also known as: Euphoric or Honeymoon stage of a relationship.
2. DADT = Don't Ask Don't Tell
This is often used when a relationship consists of a couple that is 'okay' with the person having other relationships/lovers but don't want to know about them. This is often seen more in swinger/open relationships but sometimes poly take this form as well. It seems ideal way to avoid jealousy problems, but can often cause more problems because it omits the 'open honest communication' part of a healthy relationship.
3. Serial Monogamy
Most monogamous people take part in this. It is the act of having more than one monogamous relationship, over time. Having one partner, breaking up with them, starting new relationship with another person [does not have to be jumping into a relationship right away, just eventually].
4. Starvation Model of Love
The starvation model of love is based on the idea that "you only have a limited amount of love, and if you give your love to one person, there is none left to give to anyone else--so if you fall in love with another person, you have to "pay" for it by withdrawing your love from the first person."
5. Scarcity Model of Love
The notion that love is rare, that we can only have one true love, and that once we meet that one true love, the part of our brains which take notice of other people suddenly and mysteriously shut off. It also implies that we're all put on this earth to love only one other person, our one true soul mate in a world of six billion people... the single person who is right for us, and who by some astounding coincidence happens to go to the same school as us, work in the same place as us.
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