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New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness! 0.59726962457338 59.7% [ 350 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm] 0.15870307167235 15.9% [ 93 ]
[insert your own thoughts here] 0.24402730375427 24.4% [ 143 ]
Total Votes:[ 586 ]
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Despite what you see...


I admire those who can have enough love in their hearts for more than one person. 3nodding This isn't my type of relationship, but as long as everyone is happy and consensual then good for you!


...I have confidence in me.
Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

@magpye: OOps missed your psot earlier (hw I'm not sure D: ) But I'm glad to see you here. smile

@Whatever Never Knew: Thanks so much for the question and again I'm glad to hear that things are working out for you now. I know jealousy wasn't necessarily an issue for you, but I felt it prudent to say because a lot of what people face in new poly relationships is the jealousy issue.

@writerserenyty: Thanks for dropping in, it's always nice to hear of the live and let live approach to life.

@Kcscooter: biggrin Thanks a bunch for the kind support!
User ImageIs there anyone who can tell me more about or give more information/links/sources about poly-mono relationships (ie, where one partner is monogamous and one partner is polymous)?

Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

Moonlight Silver
User ImageIs there anyone who can tell me more about or give more information/links/sources about poly-mono relationships (ie, where one partner is monogamous and one partner is polymous)?

Xeromag has a couple of good articles on this actually. Making it work for you, So you've fallen for a person who is polyamorous... and Introducing Polyamory- A monogamous person responds.

However I've found meeting and talking to people in poly-mono relationships is probably one of your best sorts of information as it's fresh and straight from the horse's mouth (and you get a variety of perspectives on the matter). (I suggest polyamorous percolation's forum community, they are very open there and willing to talk and help whoever comes in).
Mameoyashi


@Chikara: Bringing up the topic of polyamory can be a very tricky subject to start with. I'm quite lucky myself because I've never actually had to think about how to bring it up, because by the time me and my boyfriend started dating we'd already talked about our philosophies of relationships and found both of us would prefer something that wasn't monogamous (started out as an open/swinging style relationship which progressed slowly (and quite naturally for us) into polyamory.) This being said... I have had to debate and wade my way through how to bring it up with other people (friends, family, potential lovers...) so I hope I can be of some use to you.

I find one of the better tactics would be to take things slowly, do small things to test out the water first. First make a joke, then transition into hypothetical scenarios that are with John and Jane Doe, see how those go, how your partner reacts to them. If it seems positive slowly introduce the idea that you are polyamorous to your partner, let them ask questions, give them part of the literature associated with polyamory (either websites, youtube videos, books...). I think the slow transition from jokes, to philosophy, to hypothetical, to explaining your feelings works the best in those situations. I'm all for honesty, I believe it is one of the keystones to a happy, healthy relationship, but at the same time it doesn't have to be blunt slap-in-the-face style honesty.

This being said... From where I'm looking in you seem to be wanting polyamory to fill some gaps and voids in your current relationship, to use another person as sort of a stop-gap measure to gain things fundamentally lacking in your current relationship you're not happy with. I understand that you love your boyfriend and are dedicated to him, but if you cannot work things out between yourselves, if he's not giving you what makes you satisfied in your relationship, then you should perhaps reconsider this relationship as it is. If your relationship isn't healthy adding more people to the equation isn't going to solve the fundamental problems that exist in the pre-established relationship.

I suggest talking to him openly and honestly about how all of this makes you feel, and I know you have but try again. As for what you should say exactly to him.... just explain it how you did here. That you want to be more affectionate with him in public, that you don't really want to be all over him (like making out in the middle of the street), but just show some small token like hand holding to show that he cares. Essentially tell him what you told us about being upset about not being able to hold hands, try to find out exactly why he won't hold your hand (try to delve deeper than just 'it bugs him'), explain that you'd really like to explore and experiment in the bedroom with him and make sure he understands how important this is for you. If he doesn't listen, if he is still ignoring your needs and it's hurting you, then I would highly recommend talking to a couple's counsellor about it, because sometimes the moderator there to guide your discussions can really help get things said that are difficult to say.

If in the end it's looking as though things can't be resolved and your relationship styles just aren't matching up in and out of the bedroom... then it may be time to reconsider if the relationship is right for either of you in the long run. After all it shouldn't be about one person sacrificing their happiness and comfort for the sake of the other, but it's supposed to be about enriching each other's lives right?

Thank you, and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that someone responded sweatdrop life, love, and food poisoning got in the way, if you will. I agree with you, that maybe polyamory is what I'm trying to use just to fill gaps, and that might not be the best thing. I tried talking to him yesterday and I think I may have gotten somewhere. My problem is that I'd like for him to listen to what I want and agree or disagree, because then I'd know if the relationship is going anywhere, but he never says anything, just sits quiet and listens and says "I don't know" whenever I ask him if something I said is ok or if he has anything to say about it. I'd love to go to a couple's counselor, but there's the problem of me being a poor college student and not having the 500 dollar to shell out. But at least we've targeted the problem of WHY he can't discuss it, and I've come to the decision that he's a bit autistic. Not a problem to me, but it would at least explain a few things... And now this is so off topic that I'll cut it off and just say thanks again for the advice smile
Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

Chikara Kitsune Takashi
Thank you, and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that someone responded sweatdrop life, love, and food poisoning got in the way, if you will. I agree with you, that maybe polyamory is what I'm trying to use just to fill gaps, and that might not be the best thing. I tried talking to him yesterday and I think I may have gotten somewhere. My problem is that I'd like for him to listen to what I want and agree or disagree, because then I'd know if the relationship is going anywhere, but he never says anything, just sits quiet and listens and says "I don't know" whenever I ask him if something I said is ok or if he has anything to say about it. I'd love to go to a couple's counselor, but there's the problem of me being a poor college student and not having the 500 dollar to shell out. But at least we've targeted the problem of WHY he can't discuss it, and I've come to the decision that he's a bit autistic. Not a problem to me, but it would at least explain a few things... And now this is so off topic that I'll cut it off and just say thanks again for the advice smile
Tell him how you feel about him just being silent or saying "I don't know" and give him time but try t get the answers out of him. And... you should check around your college, generally schools have counsellors and you may be able to get into onethere if your school does have one. Perhaps either the counsellor there will be able to help you, or perhaps points you in the direction of a cheap alternative to something that's 500 dollars. That's all I can think of, sorry.

Hope things work out for the best for you.
Honestly - if polyamory was more widely accepted, I really believe cheating on a whole would go down.

I believe cheating comes most into play because one, or both partners feel their mate isn't giving them adequate attention. More working hours is usually the cause, and lack of communication.

Which is why communication is all the more important.

If polyamory was more widely accepted, except in few colonized villages around the globe where it's okay, the rate of cheating would go down, because no one would feel like they'd have to hide their emotions.

..That didn't make any sense, did it?
Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

oceanicchild
Honestly - if polyamory was more widely accepted, I really believe cheating on a whole would go down.

I believe cheating comes most into play because one, or both partners feel their mate isn't giving them adequate attention. More working hours is usually the cause, and lack of communication.

Which is why communication is all the more important.

If polyamory was more widely accepted, except in few colonized villages around the globe where it's okay, the rate of cheating would go down, because no one would feel like they'd have to hide their emotions.

..That didn't make any sense, did it?
It makes sense (in the sense that I understand what you're saying), but I'm not sure if I agree with that notion entirely. While it may get rid of some of the problem of cheating... I don't think it would be erased entirely or go down that significantly.

While I agree people make mistakes and they can change, that living in monogamous relationships when you're not wired for such can make someone feel trapped, frieghtened and frustrated and without a proper outlet or understand can cause someone to slip up.

However I do not think all people who cheat are polyamorous or would make good polyamorous partners in general. The way I see it healthy relationships (of any kind) require trust, open honesty, communication and respect, people who cheat violate all of these tennants. They lie, they do not consider the needs of their partner, they do not remain in negotiated boundries. All of these problems could only be compounded by having multiple partners. (After all, cheating can and does still happen in polyamorous style relationships, it's not a solution to all the problems).

I think that it's possible for someone who has cheated to be polyamorous, and I believe they can learn to change their ways and become good partners... but I really don't think everyone who cheats are just confused polyamorists.

I can understand your point of view, especially because your views on why cheating happens... but I don't think it's quite as simple as that.
Mameoyashi
oceanicchild
Honestly - if polyamory was more widely accepted, I really believe cheating on a whole would go down.

I believe cheating comes most into play because one, or both partners feel their mate isn't giving them adequate attention. More working hours is usually the cause, and lack of communication.

Which is why communication is all the more important.

If polyamory was more widely accepted, except in few colonized villages around the globe where it's okay, the rate of cheating would go down, because no one would feel like they'd have to hide their emotions.

..That didn't make any sense, did it?
It makes sense (in the sense that I understand what you're saying), but I'm not sure if I agree with that notion entirely. While it may get rid of some of the problem of cheating... I don't think it would be erased entirely or go down that significantly.

While I agree people make mistakes and they can change, that living in monogamous relationships when you're not wired for such can make someone feel trapped, frieghtened and frustrated and without a proper outlet or understand can cause someone to slip up.

However I do not think all people who cheat are polyamorous or would make good polyamorous partners in general. The way I see it healthy relationships (of any kind) require trust, open honesty, communication and respect, people who cheat violate all of these tennants. They lie, they do not consider the needs of their partner, they do not remain in negotiated boundries. All of these problems could only be compounded by having multiple partners. (After all, cheating can and does still happen in polyamorous style relationships, it's not a solution to all the problems).

I think that it's possible for someone who has cheated to be polyamorous, and I believe they can learn to change their ways and become good partners... but I really don't think everyone who cheats are just confused polyamorists.

I can understand your point of view, especially because your views on why cheating happens... but I don't think it's quite as simple as that.


Oh I wasn't saying that. As I feared, I was unable to clearly state my point - cheating won't ever completely diminish, because to some, they're completely in denial they're even doing anything wrong.
Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

oceanicchild
Oh I wasn't saying that. As I feared, I was unable to clearly state my point - cheating won't ever completely diminish, because to some, they're completely in denial they're even doing anything wrong.
Or they get a thrill out of it, or they want to experience more but want their partners to remain faithful (I knew a guy at a place I worked who used to talk endlessly about his mistress but when he even suspected his wife of being unfaithful... well.. that got a bit messy). *shrugs* Plenty of reasons, really. It's a shame really.

I guess I did misunderstand you a little bit, sorry for that XD (It's a bit late for me, I should really read into things a bit mote or wait until I'm more awake to answer things...)
I think poly being more common/accepted (+ better communication in relationships) could definitely decrease some *types* of cheating. More people would just be able to say to their partner, hey, I'm going to see this other guy today, instead of sneaking away and having to make up an excuse and all that crap.

Moonlight Silver - I might hopefully be able to give you some insight on poly/mono relationships. I was previously in a relationship in which I was dating two people who were not dating each other. My boyfriend had no issues with the situation since we'd talked about it before and he was fine with me dating a girl at the same time as him. But my girlfriend had a lot of jealousy and insecurity from having been sort of tacked on to a preexisting relationship. As much as I cared about her she knew that I loved my boyfriend on a way deeper level and felt that she wasn't as important.

This is probably why I don't like the idea of primary/secondary partners, because looking at the people I love like that in the past caused problems. I think it's important to establish most firmly in everyone's minds, especially with people who are new to polyness, that regardless of any difference in the feelings towards, situation with, or time spent with each person involved, the relationships themselves are always of equal importance.

Trying to label or classify feelings and relationships (particularly as unequal to each other in any way) has affected the way I've perceived situations, and I've found that for relationships at least things turn out better if you let them flow and DON'T try to think about them too much until you're sure of how you feel and what you want.

Was that useful to you at all?
Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

Now I wonder are we talking about more accepted by society in general, or are we talking more people being comfortable/happy in polyamorous relationships(so more personal acceptance)? Because despite soceital acceptance some people are still just not wired or comfortable with polyamory (regardless of how well the communication is in the relationship.) And there will still be fallouts due to insecurity, incompatability, jealousy (possibly lying, cheating, hiding) ect... I think the number of polyamorous relationships may increase and cheating would decrease, but I'm not entirely convinced that it would be a giant change either way. Perhaps at least not right away. (Some days I'm an optimist, some days I'me a pessimist, I think this day may be one of the latter days... haha). I think it's the difference between acceptance and encouraged (in the form of being depicted as the norm and such, recomended or preffered by society in general ect).

Personally I would just be happy with more societal acceptance in general so that those who are polyamorous or in poly relationships wouldn't need to hide or fear losing their jobs or children just because they chose a form of consentual non-monogamy. As long as the home isn't abusive, neglectful and harmful for the child there isn't a real reason for parents to lose their kids over this, and people's personal lives should not be a reason to fire anyone (as long as it's not like seriously damaging their work performance and interfering there).

But I think I may have gone a bit far on a tangent... (Sorry, sometimes I ramble @.@)
Pom Graines's avatar

Familiar Citizen

Hey Everyone! News Time!


Just wanted to let everyone know that the front page is all officialy updated with our first Weekly Discussion and our first article of Polyamory in the Media. I invite you all to partake in the weekly dsicussion, please we want to know your thoughts!

Quote:
Weekly Discussion


Because it is a brand new thread how about we talk about the experiences of when we were brand new to poly (or for those of us who are, share your current experiences!)

What kinds of new hurdles have you faced when first trying a poly relationship? What did you have to learn to do better or differently to make things work compared to previous monogamous relationships?

Thank you Whatever Never Knew for the question for the weekly discussion.


Quote:
Polyamory in the Media


Out of around 520 videos on Youtube (not including music videos with the song "Polyamorous" by Breaking Benjamin I set myself the painstaking task of creating a short list of "the best". Sure, YouTube isn't the media at large, but with as popular and as expansive it is these days, with the amount of people going there each day (for hours on end!) I think it deserves a little recognition is the Poly in the Media section here.

(this article also featured in Polyamory in the News on Polyamorous Percolations :3)

Boyfriend(s)
It's a great short film. 16-year-old Kelly comes out to her boyfriend Will about falling in love with one of their friends, Brian. Will struggles with the idea before coming to his own conclusions about polyamory....

Hi! I'm Minx and I'm Polyamorous
An excellent informational film by Polyamory Weekly podcaster Cunning Minx. It gets across what poly is, isn't, and where to find more information. It's put over in very clear terms.

A Couple's Guide to Polyamory
Dr. Joy Davidson, psychologist and sex therapist, talks about the difference between swinging, polyamory and polygamy; how to build a happy, healthy relationship while being realistic about not only the benefits but pitfalls for a couple of venturing into polyamory.

Oberon Zell Ravenheart - Polyamory
Oberon Zell Ravenheart — Challenges of Polyamory

Oberon, a legendary force behind the poly and neo-pagan movements since 1962, talks in his old age about the evolution of polyamory over the decades and how the term came to be. In the second video he talks about the challenges of polyamory and how to overcome some of these issues.

The New Low 6/2/07 Part 1
The New Low 6/2/07 Part 2
Starting at 8:26 of Part 1 and ending at 3:19 of Part 2, this absolutely hilarious and pointed talk about polyamory gets the word out there while being very entertaining about it. It made me laugh, it made me think, it works.


This is a little exciting for me because this is our first weekly discussion as well as the first time we have something in the Media section.

I would like to remind everyone that we welcome questions, comments and discussion from everyone, polyamorous or not as long as you keep things civil!

(I'm also still open for more discussion topics, and if you hear of poly things in the media please PM so I can feature you and what you find on the front page and spread the news!)

Have a good evening all!
Woo, a lot of reading on that first page you've done up ;3

But i love the dots example, so many people think that polyamory is the same thing as polygamy. And i always have some issues explaining the difference.

I'm kind of surprised no one has came here with the question x3
You know I always thought polygamy** was a Mormon thing.

I know of one couple that stries me as wrong, can you help me with this train of thought?

I have a friend who lives with a woman. She has a "fiancee" and a "boyfriend" and they all live in the same house. Does that count as a polygamistic relationship? Sorry Can't Spell It D:/....


...meh.

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