Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Chieftain Twilight]

Blackrose_Knight

Group therapy is really working for me. We have an open lesbian, and I am open about my witch craft but I am hesitant about being open about poly. I was gonna talk to my individual therapist about this when she gets back.

Thoughts?

I would have to be filled in on what the group therapy is for/about before I gave an opinion.

[Chieftain Twilight]

MakaBunny

Ok so here I am back again. My issues from before have been happily resolved. So I just want an opinion on this new thing that has been thrown into our relationship. My girlfriend and boyfriend weren't very involved before but now they are which is fine. How ever they are talking about wanting to get spiritually married and I don't know how to take this. Me and him aren't even married so I feel kind of hurt by it in a way. Yet the other part of me know it's only spiritual not legal. Has anyone else ever faced anything like this before?

I've been in a similar situation, and I definitely understand the feeling of hurt. I will say that in my mind, marriage is of teh heart, not a thing on paper. the legal aspect has to do with money and laws and s**t. but the feeling of being connected is what the reall marriage is.

I would suggest talking to them about it. jealousy is a normal feeling, if not altogether healthy. the best way to deal with it is through open communication, and trust. if they love you they will want to include you and treat you with the love and attention that you want, as well. you have to let them know how you feel, and that you just want to make sure that it doesn't mean you mean any less to them.

I hope that helps.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Chieftain Twilight

Blackrose_Knight

Group therapy is really working for me. We have an open lesbian, and I am open about my witch craft but I am hesitant about being open about poly. I was gonna talk to my individual therapist about this when she gets back.

Thoughts?

I would have to be filled in on what the group therapy is for/about before I gave an opinion.

DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. Wiki

While developed for those with BPD, it is easily cross applied to people with mood disorders (me!)..

Group is 2 hours, hour one is presenting "homework" on what we learned the week before, and the second hour is learning above mentioned skill sets.

These past few weeks we are in the distress tolerance section and we are building distress tolerance boxes. Basically, its a box filled with items to help self sooth and distract. I want to put in the pendant M. gave me because I like touching things, holding things when I am anxious and it reminds me of how strong I can be, as well as the letter he wrote me describing why he loved me and decided to date me. We have to present and explain the items in the kit.

[Chieftain Twilight]

Wind-Up Puppet

I'm glad I found this thread.

I'm currently courting a couple, and they are both new to the poly scene as am I. They have been dating for 8 years and have only been with each other sexually, so they're looking to change that and also invite someone to be their long term. (Hopefully me)

The girlfriend is totally excited for me to be involved, but we share no romantic feels for each other, just close friends who are happy to be sexual with each other.

I'm in love with the boyfriend who has no romantic feelings for me, but is thumbs up with me sexually and friend wise (He loves his gf too)

I give them both equal amounts of attention, affection, and gifts...even took them both on a date that burned a hole in my wallet (Hadn't expected the bill to be so high...the gf was happy to split the bill, but I paid as I wanted to show I was serious about them.) The gf returns my attention and affection, but the bf....like not at all.

I don't know.

The gf wants to discuss the three of us getting sexual, but the bf just doesn't seem into it...and I communicate with both them about it....both insist he is fine with everything, but due to his indifference and cold but polite nature...I feel unwanted and I also told the gf that I will not force myself onto the bf if he doesn't want me...but he keeps insisting everything is fine.

=( We have a follow up date, but I'm so turned off....especially when I found out the bf can't be sexual with anyone outside his gf...without a few drinks...I empathize with this, but at the same time I'm taking offense....


Thoughts?

it really seems like he's just not into you. which I can understand isn't the plan, and even can feel upsetting... but it doesn't seem like he has a problem with you and your friend being together.

the awkward part I'm noticing is that you are romantically interested in the boyfriend but not the girlfriend, and he's not interested in you. I don't have any real advice on that other than let it be. you can't make someone interested in you who isn't.

that said, the sexual relationship with the girlfriend appears to still be good to go. I think you just have to think about if that's something you really want or not -- a sexual non-romantic relationship with your friend who is dating a man you are romantically interested in who isn't interested in you.

[vampire_queen7]

Probably a commonly asked question, but how did any of you guys know when you were finally, truly comfortable in your non-monogamous relationship? And when did you know that you did not and/or no longer desired monogamous relationships?

[Blackrose_Knight]

vampire_queen7

Probably a commonly asked question, but how did any of you guys know when you were finally, truly comfortable in your non-monogamous relationship? And when did you know that you did not and/or no longer desired monogamous relationships?

Oh, I totally have a moment like this. I was out on a date with M. (my boyfriend no, ******** buddy at the time) we went to go see Django Unchained and he put his arm around me. I lit up with all those happy fuzzy feels. Then when I ended up with my husband a while after the movie we had our debrief, and explained to him my happy fuzzy feels, he asked if it was like when I held his hand for the first time. It was. Everything just kinda clicked and I held those two loves in my heart. It was a very nice feeling. All my non-mono encounters had been (looking back on it now) all just encounters of lust. This was truly a head over heels, I am in love, experience.

[Chieftain Twilight]

Blackrose_Knight

Chieftain Twilight

Blackrose_Knight

Group therapy is really working for me. We have an open lesbian, and I am open about my witch craft but I am hesitant about being open about poly. I was gonna talk to my individual therapist about this when she gets back.

Thoughts?

I would have to be filled in on what the group therapy is for/about before I gave an opinion.

DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. Wiki

While developed for those with BPD, it is easily cross applied to people with mood disorders (me!)..

Group is 2 hours, hour one is presenting "homework" on what we learned the week before, and the second hour is learning above mentioned skill sets.

These past few weeks we are in the distress tolerance section and we are building distress tolerance boxes. Basically, its a box filled with items to help self sooth and distract. I want to put in the pendant M. gave me because I like touching things, holding things when I am anxious and it reminds me of how strong I can be, as well as the letter he wrote me describing why he loved me and decided to date me. We have to present and explain the items in the kit.

ah, that makes sense. so is this about your current living situation, then? or just dealing with emotional coping barriers in general?

I'm definitely leaning towards the opening up in group right now, as it would make explaining the items less awkward and confusing then. and after all, the therapist can't just share your private group sessions with everyone.

[Yandere Succubus]

Chieftain Twilight

Wind-Up Puppet

I'm glad I found this thread.

I'm currently courting a couple, and they are both new to the poly scene as am I. They have been dating for 8 years and have only been with each other sexually, so they're looking to change that and also invite someone to be their long term. (Hopefully me)

The girlfriend is totally excited for me to be involved, but we share no romantic feels for each other, just close friends who are happy to be sexual with each other.

I'm in love with the boyfriend who has no romantic feelings for me, but is thumbs up with me sexually and friend wise (He loves his gf too)

I give them both equal amounts of attention, affection, and gifts...even took them both on a date that burned a hole in my wallet (Hadn't expected the bill to be so high...the gf was happy to split the bill, but I paid as I wanted to show I was serious about them.) The gf returns my attention and affection, but the bf....like not at all.

I don't know.

The gf wants to discuss the three of us getting sexual, but the bf just doesn't seem into it...and I communicate with both them about it....both insist he is fine with everything, but due to his indifference and cold but polite nature...I feel unwanted and I also told the gf that I will not force myself onto the bf if he doesn't want me...but he keeps insisting everything is fine.

=( We have a follow up date, but I'm so turned off....especially when I found out the bf can't be sexual with anyone outside his gf...without a few drinks...I empathize with this, but at the same time I'm taking offense....


Thoughts?

it really seems like he's just not into you. which I can understand isn't the plan, and even can feel upsetting... but it doesn't seem like he has a problem with you and your friend being together.

the awkward part I'm noticing is that you are romantically interested in the boyfriend but not the girlfriend, and he's not interested in you. I don't have any real advice on that other than let it be. you can't make someone interested in you who isn't.

that said, the sexual relationship with the girlfriend appears to still be good to go. I think you just have to think about if that's something you really want or not -- a sexual non-romantic relationship with your friend who is dating a man you are romantically interested in who isn't interested in you.

Yes, I can see him not into me, but the plot twist is....to me and the gf's surprise...he is the one who out of the blue said he wouldn't mind having sex with me. I had already thrown in the towel before he said this....so after that is when we went on a date.

Oh, yeah the gf and I are close friends who get sexual with each other, but honestly no romantic feels.

Hmm, to be truly honest....I don't just want one with her, but lucky for me...they said they are a package deal. Its just sucks....the bf just doesn't seem into me....and I don't want to force him

[vampire_queen7]

Blackrose_Knight

vampire_queen7

Probably a commonly asked question, but how did any of you guys know when you were finally, truly comfortable in your non-monogamous relationship? And when did you know that you did not and/or no longer desired monogamous relationships?

Oh, I totally have a moment like this. I was out on a date with M. (my boyfriend no, ******** buddy at the time) we went to go see Django Unchained and he put his arm around me. I lit up with all those happy fuzzy feels. Then when I ended up with my husband a while after the movie we had our debrief, and explained to him my happy fuzzy feels, he asked if it was like when I held his hand for the first time. It was. Everything just kinda clicked and I held those two loves in my heart. It was a very nice feeling. All my non-mono encounters had been (looking back on it now) all just encounters of lust. This was truly a head over heels, I am in love, experience.

Wow, that's amazing. Just goes to show you can love more than one person. 3nodding

[Chieftain Twilight]

vampire_queen7

Probably a commonly asked question, but how did any of you guys know when you were finally, truly comfortable in your non-monogamous relationship? And when did you know that you did not and/or no longer desired monogamous relationships?

I've always been the kind of person who could never reconcile my wandering heart. I was 16, and always found myself falling in love with more than one person.... there was a particular 4 girls that I kept dating on and off, and I always ended up cheating on them with eachother. I didn't know any other life but monogamy at the time, and yet I couldn't keep myself from being affectionate and romantic towards all four of these girls.

I was 17 when I learned about Polyamory. I decided that from then on, I would live as an open Poly, and would not let myself get romantically involved with people who were not ok with that. I chose to stop being with people who were monogamous. it was a means for me to not cheat on anyone anymore.

I never looked back.

well, my latest ex-girlfriend was an exception. I was in a monogamous relationship with her, and it almost worked out. I did fall in love with a mutual friend that we had met at the same time as meeting eachother... but I didn't act on it until after we broke up anyway.

I take it as proof that I'm meant to be non-monogamous.

[Chieftain Twilight]

Wind-Up Puppet

Chieftain Twilight

Wind-Up Puppet

I'm glad I found this thread.

I'm currently courting a couple, and they are both new to the poly scene as am I. They have been dating for 8 years and have only been with each other sexually, so they're looking to change that and also invite someone to be their long term. (Hopefully me)

The girlfriend is totally excited for me to be involved, but we share no romantic feels for each other, just close friends who are happy to be sexual with each other.

I'm in love with the boyfriend who has no romantic feelings for me, but is thumbs up with me sexually and friend wise (He loves his gf too)

I give them both equal amounts of attention, affection, and gifts...even took them both on a date that burned a hole in my wallet (Hadn't expected the bill to be so high...the gf was happy to split the bill, but I paid as I wanted to show I was serious about them.) The gf returns my attention and affection, but the bf....like not at all.

I don't know.

The gf wants to discuss the three of us getting sexual, but the bf just doesn't seem into it...and I communicate with both them about it....both insist he is fine with everything, but due to his indifference and cold but polite nature...I feel unwanted and I also told the gf that I will not force myself onto the bf if he doesn't want me...but he keeps insisting everything is fine.

=( We have a follow up date, but I'm so turned off....especially when I found out the bf can't be sexual with anyone outside his gf...without a few drinks...I empathize with this, but at the same time I'm taking offense....


Thoughts?

it really seems like he's just not into you. which I can understand isn't the plan, and even can feel upsetting... but it doesn't seem like he has a problem with you and your friend being together.

the awkward part I'm noticing is that you are romantically interested in the boyfriend but not the girlfriend, and he's not interested in you. I don't have any real advice on that other than let it be. you can't make someone interested in you who isn't.

that said, the sexual relationship with the girlfriend appears to still be good to go. I think you just have to think about if that's something you really want or not -- a sexual non-romantic relationship with your friend who is dating a man you are romantically interested in who isn't interested in you.

Yes, I can see him not into me, but the plot twist is....to me and the gf's surprise...he is the one who out of the blue said he wouldn't mind having sex with me. I had already thrown in the towel before he said this....so after that is when we went on a date.

Oh, yeah the gf and I are close friends who get sexual with each other, but honestly no romantic feels.

Hmm, to be truly honest....I don't just want one with her, but lucky for me...they said they are a package deal. Its just sucks....the bf just doesn't seem into me....and I don't want to force him

I do wish you the best of luck in this whole thing. and who knows? Love isn't an immediate thing, anyway. smile with neough romancing and screwing, he may fall for you in time. if you each put in the work, magic can happen.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Chieftain Twilight

ah, that makes sense. so is this about your current living situation, then? or just dealing with emotional coping barriers in general?

I'm definitely leaning towards the opening up in group right now, as it would make explaining the items less awkward and confusing then. and after all, the therapist can't just share your private group sessions with everyone.

Its a combination of the both. The continual stress of my living situation places on me ******** with my anxiety disorder. Its a cascading chain of fail. Its gotten to the point I am having night terrors OVER my medication. Hopefully that is changing soon. Looking at an apartment on Thursday.

Oh, my therapist knows I am poly. I said that day one. Scare the bad ones away. I refuse to give money to a therapist that invalidates how I understand and participate in forming romantic structures. She is fully supportive and is doing her due diligence on understanding the dynamics of polyamory.

Ya, I think I am going to open up to the group about it. Whatever they can blow me if I ruffle their undies. M. and Chryos are both massive social supports for me. Without the both of them, I would be in the loony bin. They each deserve a place in my distress tolerance box (which is totally a pirate chest!) I am putting in my old engagement ring (Chryos had to cut it off my finger) and a copper rose he made me when we were dating. Oh, and the stuffie of ebola Chryos got me.

vampire_queen7

Wow, that's amazing. Just goes to show you can love more than one person. 3nodding

Ya, husband and boyfriend are my earth and sky.

[Chieftain Twilight]

Blackrose_Knight

Chieftain Twilight

ah, that makes sense. so is this about your current living situation, then? or just dealing with emotional coping barriers in general?

I'm definitely leaning towards the opening up in group right now, as it would make explaining the items less awkward and confusing then. and after all, the therapist can't just share your private group sessions with everyone.

Its a combination of the both. The continual stress of my living situation places on me ******** with my anxiety disorder. Its a cascading chain of fail. Its gotten to the point I am having night terrors OVER my medication. Hopefully that is changing soon. Looking at an apartment on Thursday.

Oh, my therapist knows I am poly. I said that day one. Scare the bad ones away. I refuse to give money to a therapist that invalidates how I understand and participate in forming romantic structures. She is fully supportive and is doing her due diligence on understanding the dynamics of polyamory.

Ya, I think I am going to open up to the group about it. Whatever they can blow me if I ruffle their undies. M. and Chryos are both massive social supports for me. Without the both of them, I would be in the loony bin. They each deserve a place in my distress tolerance box (which is totally a pirate chest!) I am putting in my old engagement ring (Chryos had to cut it off my finger) and a copper rose he made me when we were dating. Oh, and the stuffie of ebola Chryos got me.

vampire_queen7

Wow, that's amazing. Just goes to show you can love more than one person. 3nodding

Ya, husband and boyfriend are my earth and sky.

I'm glad to hear that you're on your way out of that hellhole. smile and yeah, I agree. if anyone in group has a problem with your life, they can just ******** off because it ain't anything to do with'em. besides, I'm sure that self-righteous hatred won't fly in a support group.

I have to ask... did he have to literally cut it off? like skin and blood? cause somehow, I picture you being that badass. also, I cannot imagine you wearing normal mundane clothe.s in my mind, you are always in pirate garb. xd I dunno why.

EDIT: also, did you say plushie of ebola? as in, the disease?

[Blackrose_Knight]

Chieftain Twilight

I'm glad to hear that you're on your way out of that hellhole. smile and yeah, I agree. if anyone in group has a problem with your life, they can just ******** off because it ain't anything to do with'em. besides, I'm sure that self-righteous hatred won't fly in a support group.

I have to ask... did he have to literally cut it off? like skin and blood? cause somehow, I picture you being that badass. also, I cannot imagine you wearing normal mundane clothe.s in my mind, you are always in pirate garb. xd I dunno why.

Ya, things have changed, and worsened in a way, but not for me thankfully. The moving out process has been sped up. Chryos and I, and the roommate I like are moving out together.

There was a little blood, but no I still have my ring finger. I have very terrible eczema flairs on my hands and fingers. It was February, I was a dishwasher, and that shitstorm caused my eczema to swell my fingers to nearly double their size. My original engagement ring was snipped off with metal cutters by Chryos as I sobbed. I am a big believe in placing meaning in objects (its part of my witchcraft, consider it "enchantment" for lack of a better term). I saved the ring, its been in my jewelry box since Chryos cut it off. Thankfully, I have a resolution for my eczema now - hemp seed oil. Tames it just fine.

Lol I wear mundane clothing most of the time. Today is a jean skirt, and red tank top with a black rose print. 3nodding My traditional wear is jeans, a tank top, a hoodie, and Birkenstocks.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Chieftain Twilight

EDIT: also, did you say plushie of ebola? as in, the disease?

I did! His name is Benny.

Chryos gave him to me when I had a terrible flu.