Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

Oh! And never worry about being rambly or long-winded <.< I do it enough...

[o-Maryweather-o]

I am going to definately go out and get that book, it might be really good for me to read. If it has helped you, it will more than likely help me because it seems we have a lot of things in common.

[Just a note, my fiancee says he really likes you. Says you seem intelligent and he likes that I have found a friend that can help me with this <3 ]

The only other problem we are having is finding someone. I know what I want, and it's two types of people, and my fiancee says that is what he is looking for too. But we live in the south and finding anyone who is into this sort of thing is VERY difficult down here. I wanted to know, would you ever try finding someone online? And if so, where would be a good site to look?

[Pom Graines]

Twisted Lullabye

I am going to definately go out and get that book, it might be really good for me to read. If it has helped you, it will more than likely help me because it seems we have a lot of things in common.

[Just a note, my fiancee says he really likes you. Says you seem intelligent and he likes that I have found a friend that can help me with this <3 ]

The only other problem we are having is finding someone. I know what I want, and it's two types of people, and my fiancee says that is what he is looking for too. But we live in the south and finding anyone who is into this sort of thing is VERY difficult down here. I wanted to know, would you ever try finding someone online? And if so, where would be a good site to look?

Good! Glad to hear it.

[D'aw... ^^; I really appreciate that]

Actually that guy I mentioned dating in the last post I met online. While it didn't work out romantically between us we're still awesome friends too biggrin

One of the better sites for finding people I've found is OKCupid.com...oh and I've found that you'll also want to avoid Lavalife like the PLAGUE XD

OKC is generally poly-friendly actually. Though not *everyone* is on the site I've been trolled and flamed to pieces once or twice there it is 98% alright. It has a decent matching system, as well as the ability to just search for people where you want them and you get to answer a bunch of questions and it gives you match percentages based on your and their answers. It's pretty interesting.

I'd reccomend signing up and checking it out at least... if nothing else it has a huge database of quizzes and stuff that are fun to do.

[o-Maryweather-o]

Okay, I definately will check that out, and my fiancee is wanting me to do it now. Also, I am going to finish getting his page and avi set up here on Gaia and get him in here to talk to you. I think he would benefit from it. heart

Thank you so much for yer help, and I was wondering if I could add you to my friends? O.O

[Pom Graines]

Good luck with that! But be careful I believe OKC said somewhere that you're supposed to make profiles only representing one person, so you may have to make one for you and one for your fiancee and link them together and explain what you're looking for.

And I'm sure I'd love to talk with your fiancee and become friends with the both of you.

Add me as you'd like ^_^

[Store_Pause_Seemingly]

Mameoyashi

Hey welcome back around Smith! I still don't think that B 'owns' A just because A doesn't sleep with anyone else, that could very well be the base for a mono/poly or mono/swinging relationship and A choses to not sleep with anyone else because they don't feel they want to, not because B said so. I agree Kage that it should be about choice, and because there is always a choice I don't think that B's actions would necessarily have to dictate A's. While A may chose to agree to do what B says, there is always the choice to stop and get out of that mode of thought or relationship at the time. Now to be fair I'm not against ownership in the master-slave/bdsm type stuff lifestyle/kink sense, because there genuinely is still choice somewhere there. When it crosses into possessiveness to a level of unhealthy relationships, abusive relationships, repressive and opressive relationships or something that goes (in my mind) much too far such as Gorean lifestylists where they make themselves believe there really is no choice... that is where I draw the line of 'ownership'.

Just because A is exclusive to B doesn't mean B 'owns' A. [It could but it doesn't have to be as cut and dry as that].

And as for the "you are mine but I do not mind sharing you from time to time" I personally seriously disagree with that statement. But that's the way I do things.

But as I said before while I don't think ownership/possessiveness is mutually exclusive to polyamory I have found in my own personal experience talking to poly people, reading and interacting that it's less likely to come up that way.

@Twisted Lullabye: Hi there, we've always talked a little bit elsewhere about this but I think that you shouldn't give up on something just because past instances have failed. You just have to keep on at it and find people who are mature and respectful o your feelins and boundries. While I agree that boundries can and should change to reflegct the growing relationship, trying to force someone to go past a boundry they are uncomfortable or upset about by calling them names is not respectful at all and a definate warning sign to me. If you really want to I'm sure that you can make this work as there are people out there that could be good for you. But as they say sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince, eh? Some thing really applies to poly-relationships as well.

I'm pretty sure that BDSM type stuff is what Smith91 meant, I know it's what I meant...anyway...what's wrong with Goreans? I mean, aside from the idea that submission is a specifically female thing, and domination a specifically male one...although not even all of them believe that. I mean, what's wrong with not believing that you have a choice?

[Contagious Cure]

Where have you been all my life!?

[o-Maryweather-o]

Kage_no_Taren

Mameoyashi

Hey welcome back around Smith! I still don't think that B 'owns' A just because A doesn't sleep with anyone else, that could very well be the base for a mono/poly or mono/swinging relationship and A choses to not sleep with anyone else because they don't feel they want to, not because B said so. I agree Kage that it should be about choice, and because there is always a choice I don't think that B's actions would necessarily have to dictate A's. While A may chose to agree to do what B says, there is always the choice to stop and get out of that mode of thought or relationship at the time. Now to be fair I'm not against ownership in the master-slave/bdsm type stuff lifestyle/kink sense, because there genuinely is still choice somewhere there. When it crosses into possessiveness to a level of unhealthy relationships, abusive relationships, repressive and opressive relationships or something that goes (in my mind) much too far such as Gorean lifestylists where they make themselves believe there really is no choice... that is where I draw the line of 'ownership'.

Just because A is exclusive to B doesn't mean B 'owns' A. [It could but it doesn't have to be as cut and dry as that].

And as for the "you are mine but I do not mind sharing you from time to time" I personally seriously disagree with that statement. But that's the way I do things.

But as I said before while I don't think ownership/possessiveness is mutually exclusive to polyamory I have found in my own personal experience talking to poly people, reading and interacting that it's less likely to come up that way.

@Twisted Lullabye: Hi there, we've always talked a little bit elsewhere about this but I think that you shouldn't give up on something just because past instances have failed. You just have to keep on at it and find people who are mature and respectful o your feelins and boundries. While I agree that boundries can and should change to reflegct the growing relationship, trying to force someone to go past a boundry they are uncomfortable or upset about by calling them names is not respectful at all and a definate warning sign to me. If you really want to I'm sure that you can make this work as there are people out there that could be good for you. But as they say sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince, eh? Some thing really applies to poly-relationships as well.

I'm pretty sure that BDSM type stuff is what Smith91 meant, I know it's what I meant...anyway...what's wrong with Goreans? I mean, aside from the idea that submission is a specifically female thing, and domination a specifically male one...although not even all of them believe that. I mean, what's wrong with not believing that you have a choice?

I've heard about the Gorean lifestyle, I've even been friends with a couple Gorean lifestylists. I personally see nothing wrong with it, and as a matter of fact, I support it completely. Of course, just as with any TPE relationship, there is still a bit of control as far as the submissive is concerned. It is still 'safe, sane, and consensual'. I mean, if the slave leaves, then the Master has no one to dominate, right?

There is really no difference between most TPE relationships and being Gorean, except when you are Gorean there is a lot more ceremony involved and a LOT of positions that a Kajira is required to learn.

[Felix-C91]

Mameoyashi

Hey welcome back around Smith! I still don't think that B 'owns' A just because A doesn't sleep with anyone else, that could very well be the base for a mono/poly or mono/swinging relationship and A chooses to not sleep with anyone else because they don't feel they want to, not because B said so. I agree Kage that it should be about choice, and because there is always a choice I don't think that B's actions would necessarily have to dictate A's. While A may chose to agree to do what B says, there is always the choice to stop and get out of that mode of thought or relationship at the time. Now to be fair I'm not against ownership in the master-slave/bdsm type stuff lifestyle/kink sense, because there genuinely is still choice somewhere there. When it crosses into possessiveness to a level of unhealthy relationships, abusive relationships, repressive and oppressive relationships or something that goes (in my mind) much too far such as Gorean lifestylists where they make themselves believe there really is no choice... that is where I draw the line of 'ownership'.

Just because A is exclusive to B doesn't mean B 'owns' A. [It could but it doesn't have to be as cut and dry as that].

*sigh* ok, i was saying that B owns A, not because of who A is sleeping with, but because A and B have made an agreement that A is owned by B. i was in no way referring to the "Gorean" life style. thats not even a term i have heard used before.

Quote:

And as for the "you are mine but I do not mind sharing you from time to time" I personally seriously disagree with that statement. But that's the way I do things.

But as I said before while I don't think ownership/possessiveness is mutually exclusive to polyamory I have found in my own personal experience talking to poly people, reading and interacting that it's less likely to come up that way.

rolleyes this was also said in the BDSM sense. i do think that there should always be a choice, and that some one who is owned, should be owned voluntarily.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Smith91

Mameoyashi

Hey welcome back around Smith! I still don't think that B 'owns' A just because A doesn't sleep with anyone else, that could very well be the base for a mono/poly or mono/swinging relationship and A chooses to not sleep with anyone else because they don't feel they want to, not because B said so. I agree Kage that it should be about choice, and because there is always a choice I don't think that B's actions would necessarily have to dictate A's. While A may chose to agree to do what B says, there is always the choice to stop and get out of that mode of thought or relationship at the time. Now to be fair I'm not against ownership in the master-slave/bdsm type stuff lifestyle/kink sense, because there genuinely is still choice somewhere there. When it crosses into possessiveness to a level of unhealthy relationships, abusive relationships, repressive and oppressive relationships or something that goes (in my mind) much too far such as Gorean lifestylists where they make themselves believe there really is no choice... that is where I draw the line of 'ownership'.

Just because A is exclusive to B doesn't mean B 'owns' A. [It could but it doesn't have to be as cut and dry as that].

*sigh* ok, i was saying that B owns A, not because of who A is sleeping with, but because A and B have made an agreement that A is owned by B. i was in no way referring to the "Gorean" life style. thats not even a term i have heard used before.

Quote:

And as for the "you are mine but I do not mind sharing you from time to time" I personally seriously disagree with that statement. But that's the way I do things.

But as I said before while I don't think ownership/possessiveness is mutually exclusive to polyamory I have found in my own personal experience talking to poly people, reading and interacting that it's less likely to come up that way.

rolleyes this was also said in the BDSM sense. i do think that there should always be a choice, and that some one who is owned, should be owned voluntarily.

No need to act so frustrated. This is a thread about polyamory, not BDSM. That's not to say that the two can't overlap, but I think it's safe to assume that when someone mentions that polyamory is not associated with ownership, that person is referring to non-BDSM relationships, and contrasting it against monogamous relationships, where even if the relationship is free from any BDSM practises, there is often still a feeling of ownership or one partner belonging to another.

[Pom Graines]

Kage and Twisted: I think it just goes a little too far. Again, if people can be happy in it that's one thing, but believing you have no choice is something that I have often seen in very abusive relationships. Not to say *all* Gorean master lifestylists are abusive, but the potential is very high for it to become abusive because there is absolutely no choice on the part of the Kajira (or so they let themselves believe). From how I've always heard Gorean described Twisted it has not been 'safe sane and consentual', safe and sane are determined by the master and the slave had no choice in the matter once they're taken. That is the part of the Gorean lifestyle that bothers the hell out of me.

I don't have a problem with the ones who will see when things go to far and get out if it becomes and overly abusive relationship that they don't like, but that's not (from what I have read and talked to Gorean people about) an inherent part of it because the Kajira I've talked to say that there is absolutely no way out unless their master frees them-no matter what he's done or doing to them, no matter if the Kajira is miserable. There is no way out. That is what I find wrong with the Gorean lifestyle, because it takes TPE and takes it one step too far.

It may be how it was explained to me, it may be just the things that I've read that have tainted my perception. I am sure there are some very happy, very wonderful Gorean styled relationships out there...but from my understanding it has too high a potential of being abusive for me to be comfortable with it as a concept. Even some friends of mine who are into the Gorean thing (and not abusive about it) have said this themselves and admit to having seen far too many abusive relationships this way.

Contagious Cure: Ha, I've been around.

Smith and Kage: I apologise for the misunderstanding about all of this but I was in no way implying that BDSM and Poly cannot co-exist. As it was my understanding weats was not talking about BDSM sense of ownership yet the unhealthy possessiveness that goes into a numbr of monogamous relationships that was the stance I took when I was talking about ownership as well.

As I am not into BDSM I didn't think of it right away when Kage replied 'ownership doesn't rule out polyamory' (I have nothing against it, I find it interesting, it's just not in the forefront of my thoughts).

As Sinful said, this is a poly thread not a BDSM thread and since this thread isn't directly related to BDSM without clerification I still didn't think of that sort of ownership.

So I'm sorry that I didn't understand right away that we were talking about two different things.

[o-Maryweather-o]

Mameoyashi

Kage and Twisted: I think it just goes a little too far. Again, if people can be happy in it that's one thing, but believing you have no choice is something that I have often seen in very abusive relationships. Not to say *all* Gorean master lifestylists are abusive, but the potential is very high for it to become abusive because there is absolutely no choice on the part of the Kajira (or so they let themselves believe). From how I've always heard Gorean described Twisted it has not been 'safe sane and consentual', safe and sane are determined by the master and the slave had no choice in the matter once they're taken. That is the part of the Gorean lifestyle that bothers the hell out of me.

I don't have a problem with the ones who will see when things go to far and get out if it becomes and overly abusive relationship that they don't like, but that's not (from what I have read and talked to Gorean people about) an inherent part of it because the Kajira I've talked to say that there is absolutely no way out unless their master frees them-no matter what he's done or doing to them, no matter if the Kajira is miserable. There is no way out. That is what I find wrong with the Gorean lifestyle, because it takes TPE and takes it one step too far.

It may be how it was explained to me, it may be just the things that I've read that have tainted my perception. I am sure there are some very happy, very wonderful Gorean styled relationships out there...but from my understanding it has too high a potential of being abusive for me to be comfortable with it as a concept. Even some friends of mine who are into the Gorean thing (and not abusive about it) have said this themselves and admit to having seen far too many abusive relationships this way.

Contagious Cure: Ha, I've been around.

Smith and Kage: I apologise for the misunderstanding about all of this but I was in no way implying that BDSM and Poly cannot co-exist. As it was my understanding weats was not talking about BDSM sense of ownership yet the unhealthy possessiveness that goes into a numbr of monogamous relationships that was the stance I took when I was talking about ownership as well.

As I am not into BDSM I didn't think of it right away when Kage replied 'ownership doesn't rule out polyamory' (I have nothing against it, I find it interesting, it's just not in the forefront of my thoughts).

As Sinful said, this is a poly thread not a BDSM thread and since this thread isn't directly related to BDSM without clerification I still didn't think of that sort of ownership.

So I'm sorry that I didn't understand right away that we were talking about two different things.

Well, the potential is there definately for abuse, and I've know Gorean couples who are trapped in the relationship and I've also know one Kajira who is extremely happy with the situation. I guess it just depends on the type of submissive you are, and how much control you want taken away from you.

Good news, Yashi! heart I went to that site you recommended and I actually found someone [a cute someone sweatdrop ] that lives right here in my town! I am on pins and needles waiting for him to send me a message back.

[Pom Graines]

Twisted Lullabye

Well, the potential is there definately for abuse, and I've know Gorean couples who are trapped in the relationship and I've also know one Kajira who is extremely happy with the situation. I guess it just depends on the type of submissive you are, and how much control you want taken away from you.

Good news, Yashi! heart I went to that site you recommended and I actually found someone [a cute someone sweatdrop ] that lives right here in my town! I am on pins and needles waiting for him to send me a message back.

Well I think that's the difference between the TPE and Gorean lifestyles, as from my understanding in the 'rules' of that lifestyle Kajira have no rights, not even the right to leave the abusive relationship. That is the part that I have a problem with in Gorea style relationships. However I've gone over to the Gorean Lifestyle thread to get clerification on the subject in the hopes of better understanding. yay growing and learning and all that jazz XD

As for your good news... YAY! I'm happy that you've been able to find someone, I hope that he replies and you guys hit it off :3

[o-Maryweather-o]

Gah, I hope he does, but I think I might have scared him off...I sent him a message and I was sleep deprived... sweatdrop But I am going to remain optimistic.

[Pom Graines]

Twisted Lullabye

Gah, I hope he does, but I think I might have scared him off...I sent him a message and I was sleep deprived... sweatdrop But I am going to remain optimistic.

Ah I generally try to avoid it while sleep deprived because I tend to ramble... <.< But I'm sure it'll be alright. smile Just keep the hopes up <3s