Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

Well if you say so Davoth, but I think that could be changed if you want it to. Besides don't judge your whole life just by what's happened up until now, anything can make it change unexpectedly.

[druidkin]

I'm not sure anymore if poly is right for me or not.

I've thought of myself as poly for a few years now.
It was a combination of realizing I could be in love with more than one person at a time (which led to some really difficult situations) AND being cheated on a lot in a dishonest way I realized it was the dishonesty that really hurt me.
By nature, I am very open and easily connect with and love people on a deep level.. I don't like the idea of limiting myself to only ever being really close to one person.
But I'm not entirely sure poly is right for me anymore, for a lot of reasons.
I recently had my heart broken really bad, by someone who I cared about so much I would have been monogamous if it meant I could have stayed with him. The heartbreak has stayed with me, making me more afraid of commitment and of being hurt (which makes me think I am no longer poly for the right reasons), and less happy being present with those who are currently in my life.
Those I date have either been really dramatic, and I feel like I am always having to deal with emotional upheavals, either that or they don't seem trustworthy. It's never just mature and even tempered and caring.
Sometimes I just want to find one guy who is all around perfect. Sometimes I just want my life to be simpler.
On top of that, I am also submissive so I like the idea of having someone I belong to. My ex that really broke my heart, well that was kinda how I felt about him, but I had to go and ******** it up. I blame myself entirely for taking him for granted.

All in all though, I still think poly may be right for me right now, I'm not at a place in my life where I am ready to commit to one person and I don't even know exactly what I want. Sometimes I think I should stay single, but that would be squelching the way I am by nature.. I really just think I should go with the flow. Monogamy and polyamoury are both perfectly fine and it doesn't really matter which one a person does as long as they are able to value the people and are honest and caring.

[Pom Graines]

Hey myimaginaryband, have you ever thought of maybe talking to a therapist or counsellor about the issues caused by your last break up? There really isn't any shame in it and it often helps give perspective on situations and tools to work through things on your own as well. It seems like whatever happened has deeply affected you and you probably need some space or time at least before it's fixed, and perhaps a lot of talking and understanding as well.

I can understand the confusion caused by a really bad break up and I'm sorry that it happened to you.

I think we all want to find someone (or someones) who are all around perfect and for our lives to be simpler, I think everyone would be a lot happier if that were possible. But alas that's not really possible most of the time. For now just try to keep your chin up and if you continue to find new relationships just watch for the signs that past partners gave off of being over dramatic or untrustworthy.

I don't normally reccomend books too often because they're sometimes hard to get a hold of and I'd much rather link to free resources, but in this case I am probably going t recommend trying to find and pick up a copy of "The Ethical Slut 2nd Edition". Not only do I find it a really good guidebook in general for polyamory, open relationships and other non-monogamous adventures, it has an extremely good section on dealing with emotional upheavals and intense emotional conflict. It really is worth a read, especially if you find your partners tend to the more dramatic side of things.

I hope you can work things out to be happy again sad

[SinfulGuillotine]

I'll answer the weekly discussion question, since I'm new to this thread.



What kinds of new hurdles have you faced when first trying a poly relationship? What did you have to learn to do better or differently to make things work compared to previous monogamous relationships?

For me personally, a huge hurdle was the fact that my second partner didn't live near me, and I'd never been in a long distance relationship before. That was a huge adjustment. Also, I'd spent ten years in an emotionally exclusive relationship with my other partner who has given me an amazing amount of freedom and flexibility when it comes to sexual fidelity. Being in a relationship with someone who was actually angry to hear about my exploits of drug use and random make-out session was a foreign concept to me, but I'm learning that...well, most people aren't pleased with those things. I've learned to communicate and compromise much better than I've ever had to in the past. Also, how to get someone off via phone sex. Haha.

[Pom Graines]

Thank you SinfulGuillotine for the insight into the challenges of your relationship and sme of the things you learned from it. That last one can certainly be a tricky thing to master, haha XD

It's interesting to me that the answers are so far relatively different from one another (except improved communication skills). I honestly thought that there would be a bit more in common between the new experiences of polyamory, but hey you live you learn I suppose.

Hey Sinful while I've got you around I wanted to say awesome avatar. I've been seeing you around and every time I've thought you had a great avi, I just never said so until now, hah.

[SinfulGuillotine]

Well, there really aren't the same traditional relationship models for poly relationships as there are for monogamous relationships, so that may be why there's so much variety within the community. Of course, there's a lot of vareity in monogamous relationships as well, just because human beings tend to be pretty unique.

Communication is so key in any good relationship, but it's especially important when you're trying to navigate the emotions of more than one partner. My longtime partner and I always had very good communication, I thought, but it was never something that we really had to work at. I also always thought I was good with compromises, given that I'm a pretty laid-back person, but I'm finding out that I'm a lot more selfish than I ever thought I was, just because my longtime partner is okay with things that the vast majority of people would not be okay with. I've had so many fights with my newer partner just because he gets mad at me for something totally valid, but it never occured to me that disappearing and having my mobile off for 12 hours might be cause for concern for some people.

Haha, I'm glad you like the avatar. I'm very fond of this one myself. Usually I change it more often, but I can't bring myself to change this one just yet.

[Pom Graines]

That's true, but even without road maps I figured there'd be a little bit more similarities. But oh well, it's a nice pleasant surprise for me.

I highly agree communication is such a staple for a happy healthy relationship. Over the years I've found that a lot of people (monoamorous and otherwise) have very large problems with communication, not just between their partners but also families and friends... I haven't always been top notch with communication myself, but I don't know, talking and asking questions has always been a big thing of mine so applying that to relationships (of all kinds) just seems natural. But everyone is different and has different skills and everyone needs a little help in some areas. Like you said we're all unique in some way.

Well it's definately a smashing avatar. I generally switch out often enough, but I dunno..most of this outfit was a part of my first avatar on Gaia so I guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic X3

[SinfulGuillotine]

I always thought I was good with communication just because I'm good at being really honest. I have a pretty blunt, straight-forward personality. I hate bullshit and dancing around issues, so I try to avoid doing it myself. And I'm realising that I also lack tact, and that's not aslways a good thing. People have trouble wanting to take you seriously if you insult them or hurt their feelings, even if you didn't mean to. I'm also realising that I'm not THAT good at really listening. I thought I was, but I'm really only good at listening when I'm being told what I want to hear. I'm getting better, though. This whole thing is such an amazing learning experience for me. Even if it doesn't work out, I think I'll be a much better person because it happened.

[Pom Graines]

Sin, I adore your attitude! Treat life, evne the painful parts, as learning experiences and grow from them! Accept and acknowledge your faults, but also take the steps to improve upon them. *happy sigh* That is a very great way of living and it's entirely refreshing to hear it smile

[SinfulGuillotine]

Thanks.

Mind you, I'm not always so objectively optimistic when the s**t hits the fan, but I find that generally in hindsight I can look at most experiences as a positive thing.

[Pom Graines]

Well I don't think it's reasonable to expect anyone to be perfectly calm and reasonable when s**t hits the fan <.< But you understood what I meant it seems.

[iigukyii]

you still on this home why?

[Reinforest]

iigukyii

you still on this home why?

....What?

♀ ♥ ♫

[Pom Graines]

iigukyii

you still on this home why?

Pardon? I'm sorry but I'm having trouble understanding what you mean.

[Celadian]

I actually just got out of a poly-relationship.

I have been with my current girlfriend for 10 months now.

We mutually decided, that we were proud and comfortable with our level of communication.

We haven't ever lied to eachother, and I don't keep anything from her.

We had discussed the possibility of "spicing up the love life" by introducing a 3rd partner.

We had been interested in threesomes, however, we didn't want to go through multiple partners together, which is how we decided to date a 3rd person.

Things had started out great.

The only reason everything went downhill it seems, is that when we started dating the 3rd person, my current girlfriend and I started to lose the level of communication we had before.

This caused problems, such as miscommunication, jealousy, deceit, etc.


I just wanted to say, to anyone out there that may be interested in engaging or pursuing a poly-relationship....


Communication, as in any form of relationship is key.

If we had been able to sustain the level of communication we had before, then it may have worked out.

Now the 3rd person we had brought in, doesn't talk to us anymore. Unfortunately, because I was the one that called it off, the 3rd girl is upset. She was growing attached to us, however, I felt as though my primary relationship was at risk, and I didn't want to lose that.


Just some food for thought.

Thanks.