Parenting: Tough love

[Earl of Jarlsberg]

Does it really work?

In my experience it doesn't really work. It makes the kid go into a deeper hole and/or distances the relationship.

[Srintella Tiagara]

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

[Tsubahi]

Depends on how parents treat kids.

If they bully them around and make them suffer, the relationship will suffer. neutral

[Earl of Jarlsberg]

Srintella Tiagara

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

That makes sense. But in my situtation it's more like your parents pointing out your flaws all the time with the excuse " If I don't say it no one will" and rarely giving compliments.

[Srintella Tiagara]

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

That makes sense. But in my situtation it's more like your parents pointing out your flaws all the time with the excuse " If I don't say it no one will" and rarely giving compliments.

That isn't tough love that's abuse.

[Earl of Jarlsberg]

Cuppolove

Depends on how parents treat kids.

If they bully them around and make them suffer, the relationship will suffer. neutral

Very true. I did understand that not everything a parents says is true nor right. They are human, too.

[Earl of Jarlsberg]

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

That makes sense. But in my situtation it's more like your parents pointing out your flaws all the time with the excuse " If I don't say it no one will" and rarely giving compliments.

That isn't tough love that's abuse.

I am beginning to see that. It is heartbreaking that parents would want to do this to their kids. I get really confused if they actually care for me or not.

[Srintella Tiagara]

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

That makes sense. But in my situtation it's more like your parents pointing out your flaws all the time with the excuse " If I don't say it no one will" and rarely giving compliments.

That isn't tough love that's abuse.

I am beginning to see that. It is heartbreaking that parents would want to do this to their kids. I get really confused if they actually care for me or not.

In their eyes they are helping. I deal with that slightly too.

I have a dad who thinks hes "helping" by telling me I am gaining weight. Then an argument steams from it.

So you are not the only one who deals with this. For the most part don't let them bring you down. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.


capsaw: Ear candy.

[Earl of Jarlsberg]

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

That makes sense. But in my situtation it's more like your parents pointing out your flaws all the time with the excuse " If I don't say it no one will" and rarely giving compliments.

That isn't tough love that's abuse.

I am beginning to see that. It is heartbreaking that parents would want to do this to their kids. I get really confused if they actually care for me or not.

In their eyes they are helping. I deal with that slightly too.

I have a dad who thinks hes "helping" by telling me I am gaining weight. Then an argument steams from it.

So you are not the only one who deals with this. For the most part don't let them bring you down. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.


capsaw: Ear candy.

It would have been nice if I weren't that sensitive to their comments. I respect them and their viewpoints as 'elders'. I want to beleive they are right but deep down I know they are wrong.
Instead of being insulting I wish they could actually help me.

[Srintella Tiagara]

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

It worked for me.

My relationship with my parents is great.

One of the toughest things I had to learn is how to earn my own money. I was not given an allowance when I was a kid. I had to go out and work for it.

The only time I got one was when I was stuck in a different county because we moved. I was up front with my dad 20 dollars a month (wasn't much he agreed until I got a summer job.)

That makes sense. But in my situtation it's more like your parents pointing out your flaws all the time with the excuse " If I don't say it no one will" and rarely giving compliments.

That isn't tough love that's abuse.

I am beginning to see that. It is heartbreaking that parents would want to do this to their kids. I get really confused if they actually care for me or not.

In their eyes they are helping. I deal with that slightly too.

I have a dad who thinks hes "helping" by telling me I am gaining weight. Then an argument steams from it.

So you are not the only one who deals with this. For the most part don't let them bring you down. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.


capsaw: Ear candy.

It would have been nice if I weren't that sensitive to their comments. I respect them and their viewpoints as 'elders'. I want to beleive they are right but deep down I know they are wrong.
Instead of being insulting I wish they could actually help me.

I agree 100%. All I can say is just..uhh...rise up above it. Prove them wrong.

[Earl of Jarlsberg]

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

H_O_L_I_K_O_O

Srintella Tiagara

That isn't tough love that's abuse.

I am beginning to see that. It is heartbreaking that parents would want to do this to their kids. I get really confused if they actually care for me or not.

In their eyes they are helping. I deal with that slightly too.

I have a dad who thinks hes "helping" by telling me I am gaining weight. Then an argument steams from it.

So you are not the only one who deals with this. For the most part don't let them bring you down. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.


capsaw: Ear candy.

It would have been nice if I weren't that sensitive to their comments. I respect them and their viewpoints as 'elders'. I want to beleive they are right but deep down I know they are wrong.
Instead of being insulting I wish they could actually help me.

I agree 100%. All I can say is just..uhh...rise up above it. Prove them wrong.

That is beautiful! But even if I did they would probably be like " If it weren't for me she would never be like that. I was right" my mum loves taking credit. But now that I kinda think about it maybe they are right. By pressuring me I would want to prove them wrong. Argh, so complicated XD

[Vardoger]

I believe tough love works. HOWEVER, "tough love" shouldn't be something that you do by itself. Constant "tough love" verges on abuse if not actually is abuse, and there's very thin line between "tough love" and being an a*****e and calling it tough love.

There's a lot of people out there who will say crap like "I'm saying it because nobody will" or "I say what I think because it's the truth" when really they're just using it as an excuse to spout bullshit.
These things are highly contextual and do have a time and a place but it's certainly NOT at any time and at every place.

You also have to take the person you're talking to into account. Some people like tough love. Other people cannot handle tough love, even if done appropriately. So therefore you should not be using it toward them. Everyone is different and responds differently to things. We should be careful to remember that.

[Mr Ransom 2]

As a father I was going to post something but I think Bornes gave an exceptional answer and put what I was thinking into words better than I could.

[5th Dimension Morning]

there is a difference between what people claim is "tough love" and what is actually tough love. some folks will erroneously use the term to excuse abuse or bullying, but I promise that there is an actually effective and proper way of being loving and being tough on somebody out of love for them.

true Tough Love involves doing what is in the best interest of somebody for their happiness, health, and safety, even if it means that you aren't sugar-coating it. it means telling painful truths instead of comforting lies. it means disciplining your children instead of rewarding destructive behavior. it means offering constructive criticism instead of reinforcing incompetency.

an example of tough love would be to tell your child that their pet fish died because he wasn;t taken care of, instead of buying him a new one and pretending it's the same fish. it's a bit of a cliche example, but there it is.

another example would be the following: your kid has decided to join band. you tell him that you are willing to pay for the events, and instruments, and extra music lessons after school, but only if he promises he is dedicated to it and won't give up. he gives you his word.

then, a few weeks go by, and he's had enough. he feels like he isn't as good as the other kids in band, and he hasn't made any friends, and he wants to quit. you ask him if he's sure, and he confirms that is what he wants to do.

the tough love approach would be to tell him that he's breaking his promise. and if he really wants to do that, it's fine. but he'll have to pay for his next extracurricular activity himself.

or, alternatively, the tough love approach would be to have him make the promise to himself instead of to you. and when he says he wants to quit, you ask him if he's sure but don't try to change his mind. when he asks if you are dissapointed in him, you simply tell him "why should I be? you didn't let me down -- you let yourself down."

I find tough love to be appropriate at certain times. you need to make careful judgements about when it's best to use tough love and when it's best to use the light touch. sometimes you can even blend them together. you don't use one tool for every job.