I've been on and off meds a lot. I'm really starting to believe I'll never ever be a normal human being.
I started out on Zoloft, then when that wasn't working well enough, I got on Zoloft & Trozodone, as a teenager. I don't remember dosages but I was on those for at least a year. They didn't help my mood but the helped me function. I was the poster child for depression, any side-effect related to depression, I had it. But probably the worst one was just zoning out completely for hours on end and not really knowing where I was or caring about anything. Meds helped that. But I still felt sad all the time.
Eventually I thought it was stupid so I weened myself against everyone's wishes and lived life "normally" for at least 7 years. However "Normally" still had crippling depression, it was just a lot easier to deal with in comparison to highschool. I never kept a job for more than 3 months because around the 3 month mark, I had to go crazy and go missing from the world for some reason.
Even so I guess I thought that all was normal and I joined the Navy and lied, said I never had depression, blahblah, s**t happened, in the Navy for 3 years. Struggled with it SO HARD but I was trying. I became a really bad alcoholic and s**t got real, always talking to the chaplain. Finally I needed help, couldn't stop crying all the time. They prescribed me Sertraline (Off-brand zoloft, essentially).
It helped. It really did. I didn't go crazy or anything. It made me normal. I was me but I didn't think about killing myself all the time.
Well for one reason or another if I missed a pill one day It was like climbing mt. Everest to make me take the pill the next day. Withdrawal hits me hardcore, and then the whole philosophical thing hits "Why should I take pills to be normal? What's normal? Am I me without pills? What is this s**t?" At some point I managed to get over a 3 or 4 day hump of not taking the pills and I just never took them again.
Now I'm 25 and it's not
crippling but I know it's probably going to get there soon if I don't do something about it. I'm in therapy but I hate it. I don't want the pills again even though they helped. I'm willingly making my life harder for myself and I don't know why. I just feel like, if everything in me is saying "Don't take the pills" then maybe the urge is right and I shouldn't?
So... Yeah. Woe is Q.
Tl;dr I've been off and on pills. I'm mentally unstable like bad. I refuse to take the pills even if they work.