gaia_nitemareleft I agree with most of the other people here; I think maybe you should try psychoanalysis? (I would usually suggest something more like Cognitive behavioral therapy, but if it is sexual abuse then I think you would benefit more from psychoanalysis). The best option would be to combine sessions with a psychoanalyst and also go to CBT sessions. gaia_nitemareright
Sounds like repressed sexual abuse. Especially since you usually can't even think about it. Its like when you do it you mentally try to get away by imagining random s**t. You should see a therapist and resolve those issues somehow.
Nah, dude, when I first started, I would go to my bathroom afterward and shake and cry then later wonder why I was reacting so stupidly, 'cause I'd never heard of people getting so plain upset after ******** masturbating. It's gone away for me now mostly, sometimes I react badly still, but I don't think it's something you should be too worried about?? Maybe still see a professional like everyone else is saying, but, yo, you ain't alone.
I used to feel bad about it when I was younger, because idk, I felt I was doing something totally inappropriate and all that.
After awhile I realized I shouldn't feel so ashamed.
In your case, if you're certain you've never been abused then it's possible you have general anxiety/panic or an underlying phobia. That could be another possibility. Another possibility as to why you feel guilty is because you've been told it's wrong and indulging in these sorts of things is taboo.
Sometimes after release my happy feeling fades into a depressed or apathetic state and I can actually get really upset or angry much more easily just after doing that compared to my normal moods. I remember reading about it before but I can't recall much. I can't say it's nearly as strong as your feelings, OP, I wish I had more to say on it but I'm pretty lost myself.
As for what is seen during, I don't watch porn as I find it pretty disgusting but I've had random don't look or think about anything bouts as well as reading erotica or just listening to music, idk