LDR Posting Mule
Offline
- Quote
- Report Post
- Posted: Sun, 12 Feb 2012 23:40:31 +0000
Uuuuuug but it's gonna be so embarrassing because it involves ... the cyber nasty D: Makes me feel like such a slut crying
But, okay, gonna try to sum it up best I can... NEVERMIND. Prepare for a wall of text x_____x;;
Let's start with my background first. I've suffered from depression since.. I think even since I was a child, which has only worsened and worsened throughout my teen years. Then my mom made me move away from the friends I'd had for 6 years (we moved around a lot during my whole life so I've never made any friendships that lasted more than 6 years). So I finished highschool alone pretty much, and was planning on killing myself not long after I graduated as it became abundantly clear I was not getting into college, then or ever (we have no money for that and I know I will never be able to handle a job AND college at the same time). And my friends of course all got jobs because they're even poorer than I am and none of them were ever online to talk to, nor are they online now.
So after 6 or 7 months of hardly speaking to another person my age, I started playing an MMORPG I used to play before I moved, and met this guy there--let's call him "P". At first all I ever felt towards him was just a very close feeling of friendship--I'd never met anyone who could quote as much Family Guy as I could, and we had lots in common. Then after about 3 months of us playing that game nearly every day, he said, "Well apparently now college has ended I've got to hang out with my friends IRL" more or less, after he'd made it clear he found having to hang out with friends irl as insufferable as I did at times--we both just preferred to play video games than have to hang out with other people. During this time in my life I was going through therapy for my depression and went on Prozac, which I think may have contributed to my craziness, but his absence made me petrified because I was insanely jealous and stayed up until 5am most nights, waiting for him to talk to me--but he never did, because when he was online, it was for 10 minutes or so at most before he went out again. It made me petrified with fear because I was afraid I was in love with him--which sadly I was, but I knew net relationships were stupid and I knew he thought the same and that he would never want me.
(P also lives in the UK, and I live in Florida.)
Because of how he didn't seem to care at all that we were no longer spending time together, I did my best to stop caring about him. I still wanted to feel loved--and one of his college friends kept hitting on me all the time, so I finally gave into it just to have someone tell me I was worth something. When that one disappeared (his mom kicked him out because she couldn't afford him living there anymore), P and a bunch of our other friends from the online game had started doing random group calls on skype for the lulz.
So, because I still, despite everything I'd done to push myself away from P, had feelings for him, I ended up inviting him to private calls between me and him. At first they were innocent enough, but then I would have pain (this was actually true, sometimes when I have my period my hoo-hah gets really sharp pains for no reason Dx), and let out high moans. They were not on purpose, but when I realized I could do those to pleasure him, well... In the end I practically started seducing him. We called this relationship as being "******** buddies" with a possible intention to meet up if he ever had the time or money. I knew he was far out of my league, as I find him completely perfect... so I was willing to just be batting practice for him so he could get it right with the girl he'd always dreamt of.
Months after that, the skype calls having brought us much closer as I got more adventurous with him, another friend from our game tried to come between us. This friend, a guy, always said he was so ugly and no woman would ever sex him, etc, so I was always just trying to say no I totally would, because he was not as hideous as he said he was. Eventually, this guy took that way too far and came over and visited me because of what I said--but I didn't want to ruin the friendship and tell him not to visit. :/ (We didn't have sex but I still feel ruined for P after what happened.)
I tried to see if P ever felt anything more for me than just "fap material", and so before the other friend visited I tried to make P jealous. P only said, "I don't care if I get his sloppy seconds, go visit him first : P" (not exactly that, but close enough)
That was when I knew P would never love me. So I told myself that weird creeper friend was the best I could do, myself being so fat and ugly...
...Then the friend visited and P confesses love for me. So as soon as that friend left my house, I never wanted to be associated with them again, and I have not spoken to them for months. P and I have been saying how much we love each other at every chance and planning his visit here later this year.
But remember when I started seducing him? I used to masturbate for him, and to him, not that he knew it was to him, and moan and all that just to please him. Most of those calls were done on voice calls rather than cam at first (though we almost always do cam now for Any type of call)--and my depression told me it was because I was horrible to look at when a man is trying to masturbate.
Then it turned out to be true. Apparently, for at least the first month of those calls where he was masturbating to me--or at least, I thought he was--he was masturbating to pictures of other women. This would actually be OKAY with me, as they were random porn pictures and he had no imagination until I taught him how, EXCEPT FOR THIS. He had saved a picture, of a girl named H, that he knew for years, and said she was the one girl he'd ever had interest in having sex with the first few months I knew him. And he used that picture TO MY VOICE.
Am I wrong for not being able to let this go? Because it's killing me every time I think about it. I can be happy, very extremely happy with P--until I remember how he used me. He swears up and down that H never meant anything to him, and that he rarely even Used her picture during my calls. I believe those excuses, but that still doesn't change the fact he used me to masturbate to a girl he used to know IN PERSON and wanted to have sex with.
Anytime I think of how he used me like that, or how he's been to two or so parties in his whole life, and girls felt him up all over at those parties (and he is STILL a virgin, what the ******** is that s**t about?), and those girls were way hotter than I will EVER be, it makes me want to cut myself. And I have cut myself. A lot. I've always been suicidal so it's not as if his leaving me will have caused my death, but it causes these physical and emotional hurts so often. And we're both tired of arguing these things to death.
Halp? crying
But, okay, gonna try to sum it up best I can... NEVERMIND. Prepare for a wall of text x_____x;;
Let's start with my background first. I've suffered from depression since.. I think even since I was a child, which has only worsened and worsened throughout my teen years. Then my mom made me move away from the friends I'd had for 6 years (we moved around a lot during my whole life so I've never made any friendships that lasted more than 6 years). So I finished highschool alone pretty much, and was planning on killing myself not long after I graduated as it became abundantly clear I was not getting into college, then or ever (we have no money for that and I know I will never be able to handle a job AND college at the same time). And my friends of course all got jobs because they're even poorer than I am and none of them were ever online to talk to, nor are they online now.
So after 6 or 7 months of hardly speaking to another person my age, I started playing an MMORPG I used to play before I moved, and met this guy there--let's call him "P". At first all I ever felt towards him was just a very close feeling of friendship--I'd never met anyone who could quote as much Family Guy as I could, and we had lots in common. Then after about 3 months of us playing that game nearly every day, he said, "Well apparently now college has ended I've got to hang out with my friends IRL" more or less, after he'd made it clear he found having to hang out with friends irl as insufferable as I did at times--we both just preferred to play video games than have to hang out with other people. During this time in my life I was going through therapy for my depression and went on Prozac, which I think may have contributed to my craziness, but his absence made me petrified because I was insanely jealous and stayed up until 5am most nights, waiting for him to talk to me--but he never did, because when he was online, it was for 10 minutes or so at most before he went out again. It made me petrified with fear because I was afraid I was in love with him--which sadly I was, but I knew net relationships were stupid and I knew he thought the same and that he would never want me.
(P also lives in the UK, and I live in Florida.)
Because of how he didn't seem to care at all that we were no longer spending time together, I did my best to stop caring about him. I still wanted to feel loved--and one of his college friends kept hitting on me all the time, so I finally gave into it just to have someone tell me I was worth something. When that one disappeared (his mom kicked him out because she couldn't afford him living there anymore), P and a bunch of our other friends from the online game had started doing random group calls on skype for the lulz.
So, because I still, despite everything I'd done to push myself away from P, had feelings for him, I ended up inviting him to private calls between me and him. At first they were innocent enough, but then I would have pain (this was actually true, sometimes when I have my period my hoo-hah gets really sharp pains for no reason Dx), and let out high moans. They were not on purpose, but when I realized I could do those to pleasure him, well... In the end I practically started seducing him. We called this relationship as being "******** buddies" with a possible intention to meet up if he ever had the time or money. I knew he was far out of my league, as I find him completely perfect... so I was willing to just be batting practice for him so he could get it right with the girl he'd always dreamt of.
Months after that, the skype calls having brought us much closer as I got more adventurous with him, another friend from our game tried to come between us. This friend, a guy, always said he was so ugly and no woman would ever sex him, etc, so I was always just trying to say no I totally would, because he was not as hideous as he said he was. Eventually, this guy took that way too far and came over and visited me because of what I said--but I didn't want to ruin the friendship and tell him not to visit. :/ (We didn't have sex but I still feel ruined for P after what happened.)
I tried to see if P ever felt anything more for me than just "fap material", and so before the other friend visited I tried to make P jealous. P only said, "I don't care if I get his sloppy seconds, go visit him first : P" (not exactly that, but close enough)
That was when I knew P would never love me. So I told myself that weird creeper friend was the best I could do, myself being so fat and ugly...
...Then the friend visited and P confesses love for me. So as soon as that friend left my house, I never wanted to be associated with them again, and I have not spoken to them for months. P and I have been saying how much we love each other at every chance and planning his visit here later this year.
But remember when I started seducing him? I used to masturbate for him, and to him, not that he knew it was to him, and moan and all that just to please him. Most of those calls were done on voice calls rather than cam at first (though we almost always do cam now for Any type of call)--and my depression told me it was because I was horrible to look at when a man is trying to masturbate.
Then it turned out to be true. Apparently, for at least the first month of those calls where he was masturbating to me--or at least, I thought he was--he was masturbating to pictures of other women. This would actually be OKAY with me, as they were random porn pictures and he had no imagination until I taught him how, EXCEPT FOR THIS. He had saved a picture, of a girl named H, that he knew for years, and said she was the one girl he'd ever had interest in having sex with the first few months I knew him. And he used that picture TO MY VOICE.
Am I wrong for not being able to let this go? Because it's killing me every time I think about it. I can be happy, very extremely happy with P--until I remember how he used me. He swears up and down that H never meant anything to him, and that he rarely even Used her picture during my calls. I believe those excuses, but that still doesn't change the fact he used me to masturbate to a girl he used to know IN PERSON and wanted to have sex with.
Anytime I think of how he used me like that, or how he's been to two or so parties in his whole life, and girls felt him up all over at those parties (and he is STILL a virgin, what the ******** is that s**t about?), and those girls were way hotter than I will EVER be, it makes me want to cut myself. And I have cut myself. A lot. I've always been suicidal so it's not as if his leaving me will have caused my death, but it causes these physical and emotional hurts so often. And we're both tired of arguing these things to death.
Halp? crying
